The Wrecked House

It’s Tuesday. There are 378 days until the midterm elections and TWO WEEKS UNTIL THIS YEAR’S ELECTIONS. ICE has an ass problem, a Jan 6er does Jan 6 stuff and Trump destroys the White House.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t bulldoze the East Wing like an asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How is your week going so far? Still feeling the resolve that came from protesting a bunch of asshole fascists? Yeah, us too. And we’d like to thank butthurt Republicans for keeping our vibe going. They’re all so whiny and pathetic, and they keep accusing us of hating America. Well you know who doesn’t hate America? Jesse Watters’ mom.

LOL! That’s too perfect. We’ve known for a while that Jesse’s mom is one of us and hates her son as much as we do. But we wanted to learn more. So here’s a letter we wrote…

Dear Mrs. Jesse’s Mom,

How’s it going? Gurl, you’re looking fine as all hell. We almost mistook you for that miserable piece of shit’s sister. So what the hell happened? Did you drop him? A lot? On purpose? It’s ok. You can tell us. We would totally understand why you did it. It can’t be easy knowing you gave the world Satan’s bitch weasel. We know you did your best. And if you ever wanna talk about it, give us a call. Or just come on over. Again.

Best,

Sam (Adam insisted that his name not be added to this)

If we live to be a thousand years old, we will still laugh at and regularly employ your mom jokes. Especially against miserable fucks like Jesse Watters. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s election season, baby! Have y’all early voted? Do you have a plan? Are you working phones and sending text messages? They’re trying to ignore our march. Let’s see them ignore our votes.

Note three: The creep Trump nominated to lead the Office of Special Counsel is a racist scumbag who said he has a “nazi streak.” Even Republican senators are saying he’s toast. It sure is a crazy coincidence that so many fucking nazis love Trump, ain’t it? More: HuffPost

Note four: Warner Brothers is for sale. You can expect some rich right-wing asshole to buy it and make it suck. More: NBC

Note five: If you’re ever doubting your power, just remember you made Mickey Mouse cower.

Note six: Virginia Giuffre’s book is out today. We hope it brings her some peace in the afterlife. And we hope it brings some accountability to the demons who preyed on her. More: USA Today

Note seven: A three-judge panel said Trump can send troops into Portland, but they put it on hold for now. You won’t be shocked to learn that the two judges who said it’s ok are fucking Trump judges. More: NBC

Note eight: The next Dem president is going to have to shut down ICE. It won’t be easy since they’re now armed like the goddamn Marines. More: New Republic

Note nine: Jim Comey is trying to have his case thrown out. We hate that sonofabitch, but we’re rooting for him here. More: AP News

Note 10: Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays on making it to the World Series where they’ll face off against the Dodgers. If you were watching the game last night, you might have seen this holy shit ad from the Canadians.

Note 11: While we’re talking sports, the NBA is back today. That noise you hear is Sam’s blood pressure coming down. More: NBC

Note 12: While we were writing this morning, House Republicans held another press conference to smear and insult Americans and then talk about the Epstein files. That tells us the pressure is getting to them. So let’s keep it up.

Note 13: This original post is from a New York Times editor. They are the most out-of-touch people on the fucking planet.

Note 14: Even Sean “Fathead” Hannity is grossed out by the George Santos commutation. And it’s hard to gross Hannity out. He eats shit for a living. More: Mediaite

Note 15: The former president of France is in prison now. So it can be done! More: HuffPost

Note 16: We’re gonna need Maryland and Illinois to draw new congressional maps. So let’s get on it. More: NBC

Note 17: The next time Republicans lecture us on civility, just remember that the Speaker of the House defended the president shitting on Americans.

Note 18: Whoa. You know how Trump and Hegseth tried to murder another fisherman but failed? Well they sent him to Ecuador and Ecuador let him go because there was no evidence he did anything wrong. So yeah, Trump is a fucking murderer. More: CBS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, Joe Biden rang the bell. If you know, you know. More: The Guardian

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And if not, just remember that you didn’t give birth to Jesse Watters. That always makes us feel better. Love y’all!

LardICE

The country’s biggest assholes are falling all over themselves to join ICE and punish the world for laughing at their tiny peckers. There’s only one problem. They can’t do push-ups. Yeah, according to the Atlantic, the losers signing up are too out of shape to get the job. A third of the would-be masked thugs can’t meet the physical requirements. Haha. We’re happy to see this, but also how strong do you have to be to rough up children, fruit vendors and abuelas?

More: The Atlantic

Political violence

A man Trump pardoned for his crimes on Jan. 6 has been arrested and charged with threatening to kill Hakeem Jeffries at an event in New York City. The man, using the same language as Mike Johnson, said that Jeffries is a “terrorist.” This morning, Johnson tried to condemn political violence while also refusing to answer a question about pardoning Jan. 6 scum. It’s a good reminder that the law-and-order party released hundreds of violent criminals, including child porn creeps. Ya know, Trump people.

More: The Independent

The Wrecked House

Y’all, we got a little choked up at this. We’ve known for a while that Trump as figuratively destroying the White House, but seeing that he is physically destroying it too had us all fucked up. You won’t be shocked to hear that Trump lied when he said his new ballroom wouldn’t hurt the existing building or that he lied about the cost. But just look at these fucking pictures, man. We’re either gonna have to tear down the ballroom or make it the Hillary R. Clinton Childcare Center.

Today’s clips

A 61-year-old woman who was wearing a penis costume was pinned down by three policeofficers in Fairhope, Alabama, during this weekend’s “No Kings” rallies against President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

More than 420 anti-science bills attacking longstanding public health protections – vaccines, milk safety and fluoride – have been introduced in statehouses across the U.S. this year, part of an organized, politically savvy campaign to enshrine a conspiracy theory-driven agenda into law. More: AP News

Maine Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner was grilled on Monday over an unearthed social media post in which he asked why black people don’t tip. More: Mediaite

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) is ramping up her criticism of GOP leadership during the government shutdown by warning that Republicans could lose the House if they don’t keep their promise to decrease the cost of living. More: HuffPost