The U.S. surrenders to Russia

It’s Tuesday. There are 609 days until the midterm elections. The U.S. surrenders to Russia, Mr. Free Speech declares war on college protests and prices are about to be higher than Don Jr.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We think it’s hooked on gas station diet pills too.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, tonight is a good night to have other plans. As you probably know, President Burnt-Sienna-Buttface is giving an address to Congress tonight, and we’d rather cut off our own ears and shove them up our asses than listen to even a second of that dumb, crazy shit. But we’re not members of Congress who are paid to listen.

We’ve thought long and hard about what Democrats should do tonight. Boycott? Show up? Be respectful? Well here’s our suggestion — show up and heckle that sorry sonofabitch to hell and back. Bring whoopee cushions. Shine reflective light in his eyes. Boo and cuss when he lies. Yell out “THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT, YOU PUTIN WHORE!!!” Because why the hell not? Are we still worrying about that civility nonsense? Republicans sent an idiot in face paint and goat horns to attack the same fucking building and voters gave them unified control of the whole damn government. So let’s get stupid! Surely there are some rubber Putin masks in the DC area. When is the last time we had a good congressional mooning? And don’t be afraid to fling your own feces for god’s sake!

It’s hard for some elected Democrats to understand their roles in this new reality. Your job is not to be a statesman. It’s to be a troll. We tried being the adults and the smart party and we got kicked in the nuts. So it’s time to go all Marjorie Boebert Dumbfuck. Let’s see just how dumb this shit can get. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re really starting to think god is dead because what kind of deity would allow Dolly Parton to suffer even for a second? We’re sending love, Dolly!

Note three: This story is paywalled, but we thought it was worth sharing. That bullshit lunatic U.S. attorney tried to empanel a grand jury to go after Chuck Schumer. We’re not about to defend Schumer these days, but this is still pretty fucked up. Maybe now Senate Democrats will get the picture. More: New York Times

Note four: While we have been pretty disappointed by Schumer, we have to give him credit for keeping the caucus together last night to defeat that gross anti-trans bill that would’ve allowed officials to inspect kids’ genitals. This is the kind of fight we’re looking for. More: NBC News

Note five: If you didn’t see Jordache Dillweed (JD) Vance on Fox News last night, then you’re lucky. What a repugnant little shit. More: Yahoo News

Note six: Great news, everybody! The Trump administration has a plan to reduce the price of eggs. We just have to start raising our own chickens. Goddamn these people are stupid.

Note seven: Yikes. Want to read a fucked up story about Sen. Joni Ernst? Of course you do! More: ProPublica

Note eight: The former chair of the Social Security Administration is warning that checks might be delayed for the first time ever. We almost fucking dare Trump to do this. More: CNBC

Note nine: The head of Paramount is telling the people at 60 Minutes that they are planning to surrender and everyone should be ready to apologize to Trump. Keep in mind that they literally didn’t do anything wrong and this is about kissing orange ass so he won’t stop a merger. Makes us want to cry and throw shit. (Oliver Darcy’s Status newsletter)

Note 10: It’s hard to describe how much we need to be Elon Leon’s weirdo asshole candidate for state Supreme Court in Wisconsin. More: Associated Press

Note 11: Hmmmm. This doesn’t seem very America First.

Note 12: Trump’s Injustice Department is going after the state of Colorado for convicting clerk Tina Peters, who tampered with voting equipment and then assaulted a cop. Laws really don’t mean anything anymore. More: Colorado Sun

Note 13: Elton John seems to finally be getting the idea that his good buddy Trump is an evil fuck who will kill lots and lots of people. More: Billboard

Note 14: Lech Walesa, a hero of the Cold War, is calling out Trump for being a dickhead to Zelensky. It sure sucks to be on the opposite side of things than Lech. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We freaking love videos of people hating on Elon Leon’s fugly fake trucks…

Note 16: The town halls are REALLY getting to Republicans. This morning the head of the House Republican campaign committee put his foot down and said no more town halls. So their plan is to fuck over their voters and then go into hiding? LOL. Good plan. (In Politico, and we ain’t linking to that crap)

Note 17: We had no idea Melania was trying to bring back that dumb Be Best bullshit and we can’t stop laughing that even the Trump cult is ignoring it. Nice try, trash. More: The Daily Beast

Note 18: The Virginia Military Institute became the latest U.S. military installation to fire its Black boss because in Trump’s military only white drunks and rapists get the big jobs. More: WRIC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to share this video of people gathering to thank federal workers. It’s a powerful reminder that we’re on the good side and the billionaire nazi shitheads aren’t.

Note 20: And on that much-needed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have plans tonight so you don’t have to subject yourself to a bunch of bullshit from a fucking moron. But if not, we’ll be cussing and throwing rotten fruit at the screen with you. Love y’all!

America’s shame
Under Trump, the U.S. is now out of the Ukrainian resistance to Russia. Whining about not being respected enough, Trump announced yesterday that he is pausing all military aid to Ukraine. We’re supposed to believe this was all about Zelensky not kissing enough orange ass in the Oval, but we all know this was Trump’s plan all along. It’s getting hard to keep up with all the allies we’re fucking over. But we sure are being nice to Russia. Weird, ain’t it? This is a dark day, and it would be nice if one of the cowards in the White House press would ask Trump about being the first U.S. president to surrender to Russia. More: Associated Press

But muh free speech
This morning Trump continued his war on the First Amendment and college campuses by threatening anyone who protests at colleges with arrest and deportation. The second part really gives away that Trump is talking about protests about the Middle East. The really fucked up thing to consider is that Trump pardoned people who attacked the Capitol and beat cops, but he wants to punish kids who protest peacefully. He wants another Kent State, and he wants it bad. Be safe out there. More: The Hill

Expensive mistake
So how is the economy doing while Trump is taking a hammer to all of our institutions and values? Not so great! Yeah, President Shit-for-brains went ahead with his tariffs on Canada, Mexico and China, and they are retaliating as expected. The stock market has erased all the gains it made since Election Day. The Atlanta Fed is warning of negative GDP. Tesla’s stock is in the crapper and getting worse. Even that crypto bullshit ain’t doing too well. So congratulations to everyone who voted to end American democracy for cheaper eggs. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
A scientist with a doctorate who issues tsunami alerts. A hurricane-hunting flight director. A researcher studying which communities will get flooded when a storm strikes.

They were among the more than 600 workers the Trump administration cut last week when it eliminated about 5% of the workforce at the National Weather Service and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. More: NBC News

The head of the FBI’s New York field office, who was reported to have resisted Justice Department efforts to scrutinize agents who participated in politically sensitive investigations, has told coworkers that he has retired from the bureau after being directed to do so. More: Associated Press

President Donald Trump was the target of widespread mockery and criticism Monday during the annual carnival parade in Düsseldorf, Germany. More: Huff Post

Trump Golf Track (visit)