The Reflecting Poo

It’s Monday. There are 141 days until the midterm elections. Happy for Gotham, a disgraceful night at 1600 and Trump surrenders to Iran. Again.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell all those UFC bros to go fuck themselves.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And a belated happy birthday to our great country that can’t stop shooting off its own dick. Yeah, there were plenty of reminders of just how far we’ve fallen these last few years. But there was also reason to hope after we learned that White House workers covered Trump with a tarp so we couldn’t see him sobbing and anger pooping as workers finally took his name down from the Kennedy Center. We might have that a little wrong. There was definitely a tarp and some anger pooping involved…

LOLOL!!! What a soft little shit! His poor widdle feelings would have been hurt if he had to see all those Americans cheering when his name hit the dirt. That’s some real loser shit. And it gets worse. Because that’s not the only thing we renamed this weekend. Yeah, we’re sorry to report that it is now officially known as the Reflecting Poo…

Well that’s fucking gross. It’s like they used it to wash off Trump before his big shindig. You can almost smell that goddamn picture. You really have to congratulate the old boy on losing negotiations to Iran and Milli Vanilli while also fucking up a one-foot deep pool of water. Every day he doesn’t try to stick his tongue in a helicopter blade is a damn miracle. Ok maybe miracle isn’t the right word.

The point is this man is a joke and a failure, and we’re excited to spend the next few months tying every last goddamn Republican to him and his loserness. When we’re done, they’ll all be swimming in that nasty green shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: As far as we know, that tarp is still up. They should get one for the whole White House. Then maybe Trump’s approval wouldn’t be in the 30s. More: NBC News

Note three: We’re still shaking with rage from last night’s shitshow, so let’s start with some happy. Did y’all see the US men’s team get a big win Friday night? They must’ve learned it from the women’s team. We’re so proud of them! More: Yahoo Sports

Note four: Speaking of sports, Mitch McConnell is in the hospital. Oh well. More: NBC News

Note five: There was something uglier than the behavior at last night’s event. Someone should have told Rogan to adhere to Mr. Wonka’s instructions…

Note six: Jonathan Swan and Maggie Haberman’s new book says that Stephen Miller and JD came close to getting Trump to suspend Habeas Corpus and invoke the Insurrection Act. Yeah, Couch Boy wanted to “crush” the protests in Minnesota. We almost can’t wait for this weird fuck to run for president. More: AOL

Note seven: Trump is 80 now. But that’s only a big deal when it’s a Democrat. Sorry. More: Yahoo News

Note eight: Ol’ Cankles is headed to the G7, where he will likely make a fool of himself while reminding everyone why our allies now hate us. More: NBC News

Note nine: A judge on Friday ordered the administration to stop erasing slavery from America’s history. Remember when mainstream reporters just couldn’t be sure if Trump is racist or not? More: NBC News

Note 10: Hey it turns out Dwight Schrute is a loser ass loser in real life too. Fuck off, Dwight.

Note 11: Stephen A. Smith always goes off when he’s in a disagreement with a Black person. So it’s notable he turned into a total puss after Trump called him “low IQ.” Chickenshit. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Democrat Angie Craig thought she could vote for ICE and we wouldn’t notice. Well, voters in Minnesota definitely fucking noticed. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Dan Patrick says that James Talarico is going to hell. Remember when this shit used to just be about losing elections? More: HuffPost

Note 14: The judiciary does not seem cool with Trump trying to use our money to pay off terrorists and pedophiles. Let’s hope this holds. More: NBC News

Note 15: Man, Georgia sure did a great job electing senators. Thank you, Rev. Sen. Warnock!

Note 16: Trump announced that the national Fourth of July celebration this year will be a Trump rally at the Lincoln Memorial. Anybody know of any cheap tickets to Mexico that weekend? More: The Hill

Note 17: Congrats to the Carolina Hurricanes on winning the Stanley Cup! (See? We’re trying hockey-loving Sexy Patriots) More: HuffPost

Note 18: And while we’re talking sports, we hope the pitching staff for the San Franciso Giants spends the day eating shit, fucking off and kissing our asses. Bigoted scum. More: SF Standard

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the GOAT. And from there, well, we’ll just let Mr. DeNiro speak for himself…

Note 20: And on that on-message note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and successfully avoided all the stupid. If nothing else, you can be proud that you didn’t fuck up the Reflecting Pool like a goddamn moron. Love y’all!

Empire State of Mind

It was a huge weekend in sports as the New York Knickerbockers ended a 53-year-old drought and won the NBA championship. The only loss they had in two months came when Trump’s gross ass waddled into Madison Square Garden. But the Knicks were able to shake off that curse and beat the San Antonio Spurs. We were so happy to see the elation and celebration in NYC as folks like Mayor Mamdani reminded us of the greatness of that city. The parade is on Thursday. We know this isn’t necessarily a political post, but we were touched to hear Mayor Mamdani talk about how the team had unified the city in ways that usually only tragedy can do.

More: ABC7 NY

The White(s only) House

Well the White House cage fight was just as gross as we thought it would be. But even worse. Because some scumbag piece of shit fighter won his bout and then took the mic with Joe Rogan to tell the world that “Michelle Obama is a man.” Of course the scumbag racist president was fine with this, and the White House has made zero effort to apologize. This is the human garbage we are up against. And a largely white mainstream media are happy to smile and go along with it. Shame on every last fucking one of them.

More: The Daily Beast, Hollywood Reporter

Surrender

Trump was so desperate for a deal with Iran ahead of his big party that he gave them everything. Not only is Iran getting to keep contol of the Strait of Hormuz and their nuclear program, but they are also getting $300 million to rebuild all the shit that Hegseth destroyed and then another $24 billion in unfrozen assets just to negotiate some more. So yeah, Trump bribed Iran to open up the Strait and the U.S. got its pants pulled down in front of the whole world. This shit deal will still be celebrated by the MSM who will magically forget that President Dumbfucks started this whole thing. Btw, Israel is furious about this deal and Hezbollah loves it, so we’ll see how long it holds.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

NEW YORK (AP) — Stock markets are rallying worldwide, and oil prices are easing after the United States and Iran reached a tentative deal to get the global flow of crude going again. The S&P 500 rose 1.4% early Monday on hopes that this time, the announcement of an Iran-U.S. agreement will mean a long-term fix to a conflict that has sent inflation painfully upward. The Dow Jones Industrial Average climbed 620 points, and the Nasdaq composite jumped 2.3%. Brent crude’s price fell 4.7%, helping stocks of companies with big fuel bills to lead the market. AI stocks also rallied following their sharp swings over the last couple weeks. More: AP

GENEVA (AP) — FIFA’s discrimination monitor at the World Cup called Monday for a video review official to be removed for appearing to make a hand gesture resembling a white supremacist sign. More: AP

Many Asian American and Pacific Islander adults have experienced or witnessed some degree of upheaval because of the Trump administration’s heightened immigration policies, a new AP-NORC/AAPI Data poll finds, while most say the U.S. is no longer the land of opportunity for immigrants. More: AP

**ORLANDO, Fla. —** Democratic Congressman Maxwell Alejandro Frost will serve a third term in Congress after qualifying for the 2026 elections without facing Democratic or Republican opposition. More: WESH