The Real Subway Hero

Happy Friday. There are 445 days until the midterm elections. Putin punks Trump before the surrender summit, the president’s pathetic Nobel fishing and Gavin gets nasty.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We think it stole our credit cards too.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, you can all relax. They got him, and now you and your family can sleep safe at night. What dangerous and disgusting criminal are we referring to? Well the Subway sandwich guy of course. No, not that one. The dude who threw a sandwich at one of Trump’s stormtroopers was arrested and charged with a felony. And look how Trump’s goons got him…

We sure feel safer, don’t you? This really is Trump in a nutshell. What a soft, pathetic loser. If this dude had beat up his girlfriend (Cory Mills) or run an international pedophile ring (Ghislaine Maxwell) or beat the shit out of some cops with the American flag (Jan. 6), Trump would be kissing his ass and giving him a sweetheart deal. The fucked up truth is that Trump would have gone easier on the other Subway guy.

We know how upsetting these videos of fascism in our nation’s capital can be. That’s why it’s probably a good idea to speed it up and play it with Benny Hill music. Then you’ll remember that these are the pathetic and cowardly actions of a small-peckered candy-ass dictator who is to be mocked more than feared. After all, what kind of chickenshit needs this many cops to take down someone for throwing a fucking sandwich? Yeah, tough guy don’t seem so tough. Fuck him and his stormtroopers. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: By the way, Sandwich Guy was such a threat that the judge let him go pretty much immediately. He didn’t even need to be on the Epstein list to get treated well. More: WUSA

Note three: We had such a great time doing yesterday’s Thursday Therapy Session. We’re trying to figure out how to do two a week. We will be posting the session shortly (Adam is piecing together both of them since he had to drop the first one - he says sorry for fucking that up yesterday!)

Also, here’s a link to our friend James Joyce III and his Coffee with a Black Guy initiative. James is the freaking best, so drop him a line if you’re gonna be in Santa Barbara or Ventura. More: CWABG

Note four: Pew has Trump’s approval rating at 38 percent. Good thing they’re called pew because those numbers are stank ass. More: USA Today

Note five: This is the disgusting racist shit the guy who wanted to kill the Central Park Five is doing with the White House social media account. Remember when white New York Times reporters just weren’t sure if the birther guy was a racist or not?

Note six: The city of D.C. is fighting back. Last night, Bondi tried to put in her own chief of police and city officials are fighting back, filing a lawsuit. We hope they embarrass the shit out of Trump and his trash. More: CNBC

Note seven: Remember how Republicans spent years telling us how important free markets are? Well Trump’s White House literally has a fucking scorecard to rate how loyal to Trump’s America’s businesses have been. So yeah, we’re the Soviet Union now. More: Axios

Note eight: So every time we talk about Tom Cruise we get emails about how fucked up Scientology is. And that might be the case. But there are reports that Cruise turned down a Kennedy Center honor from Trump, and we would certainly get on our knees and thank Xenu for that. Well done, Maverick. You can be our wingman anytime. More: NY Post

Note nine: Badass reporter Brandy Zadrozny is at MSNBC now, and she has a great piece looking at how much of a clusterfuck the brain worm guy really is. After we read it, we had to go take some livestock medicine and lie down. More: MSNBC

Note 10: We are really digging Gavin Newsom right now. Yeah, he sucks in a lot of ways, but look at how he owns this reporter for holding him to a higher standard than the president of the United States.

Note 11: Back to D.C. for a moment — Need a laugh? Jeanne Pirro can’t get grand juries to indict the people Trump is going after. LOL! We’re not even sure it would have helped to have a real lawyer or serious person in that job. More: WUSA

Note 12: Another person died while being chased by ICE in L.A. Shining city on a hill, right? More: The Guardian

Note 13: In today’s edition of JD Vance Is a Fucking Joke, a British pub told him to go the eff away after the bar’s staff said no freaking way. We honestly think there’s a way to unify the world in our mutual disgust of couch boy. More: Raw Story

Note 14: President Obama and Eric Holder had a call with Texas Democrats yesterday to thank them for fighting for democracy. Obama has been getting more and more involved lately, and we’re happy to see it. More: The Guardian

Note 15: The wig is what makes this art.

Note 16: Trump is supportive of Melania going after Hunter Biden. We’re supportive of Hunter Biden telling them to go fuck themselves. More: HuffPost

Note 17: This isn’t about politics, but it’s funny as hell.

Note 18: Well this is a new one. A South Carolina gubernatorial candidate was arrested walking around in his underwear and shoes and identified himself as Superman. He’s still not as fucking crazy as Nancy Mace. Hard to believe the guy will someday be president. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Anchorage, where proud Americans are standing up for Ukraine and sending a message to Putin’s little bitch. Getting dusty in here. Thank you, Alaska!

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. Unless you’re one of the many, many cops who went after sandwich guy. In which case you can eat shit. Love y’all!

Surrender Day
While we were writing this morning, President Fuckhead J. Cankles was on his way to Alaska to kiss some Russian ass and probably hand over Ukraine, Alaska and maybe Los Angeles to Putin. In advance of the highly anticipated summit, Putin bombed the living shit out of Ukraine, making clear that he has zero respect for Trump. If we had a real press corps, Trump would be getting grilled over this. Instead we got some weak ass kinda question this morning and Trump played off the deadly attack as a negotiation tactic. So yeah, everyone knows what’s coming. But that doesn’t make it any less fucked up. More: NBC News

President Thirsty Bitch
Trump really, really wants a Nobel Prize. Why? We think it’s because Obama has one and lives rent free in Trump’s giant empty head. How desperate is Trump to get one? He cold-called the foreign ministers of Norway and basically threatened him with tariffs if he didn’t get one. People who aren’t sociopathic losers would be embarrassed by this. But not Trump. So now if he gets one, we’ll know he got it through extortion. Also, we need Democrats to stop joking about giving Trump the prize. We get what they’re doing, but this man is using the military against his own people, he put hundreds of violent criminals on the streets, he’s coddling a notorious child rapist and trafficker, he has threatened Canada, Mexico and Denmark and he launched a violent coup attempt against his own country. This doesn’t even include the millions of people he’s killing off foreign aid. There is no universe where Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, and we shouldn’t fucking joke about it. More: The Guardian

Go, Gavin, go
We are not the biggest Gavin Newsom fans. Basically we never know what that guy is up to, and we sure as shit didn’t love the anti-trans podcast love sessions with Charlie Kirk and Steve Bannon. But right now Gavin is fighting like hell to help us win the midterms next year, and we are cheering like crazy. He’s even got Trump so scared that asshole sent ICE troops to Los Angeles yesterday to try and intimidate the governor at his own press conference. Between the top-notch trolling and the move to fight Texas’s bullshit, Newsom is on a roll. And we have a new mission. On Nov. 4, we’re gonna need to win in California and fight fire with fire. More: ABC7, CNN

Today’s clips
With Texas expected to end its first special legislative session Friday and immediately begin a new one, the dozens of Democratic legislators who fled the state to block Republicans’ redistricting proposal are hammering out a plan for their return home. More: NBC7

We’re sure there will be bad blood.

Taylor Swift has broken a record previously held by President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov touched down in Anchorage on Thursday wearing a white “CCCP” sweater – the Soviet-era Cyrillic spelling of USSR – ahead of Russia-Ukraine peace talks with President Donald Trump. More: Mediaite

Sara Gonzales, a host at Glenn Beck’s conservative network BlazeTV, was manhandled out of a town hall on Thursday after she called Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) a “fake ghetto hoodrat” and “a spoiled rich kid from Missouri.” More: Mediaite

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) tore into Senate Budget Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham (R-SC) on Thursday for delivering a “ridiculous,” “1,000% false” speech claiming God would “pull the plug on us” if Republicans stopped supporting Israel. More: Mediaite

The Trump administration on Thursday sought to clarify Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s support for women’s voting rights following controversy spurred by his repost of a video tied to a pastor who said the opposite. More: The Hill