The Real Leader of the Free World

It’s Monday. There are 442 days until the midterm elections. Trump tries to rig another election, Laura Loomer’s war on children and the real leader of the free world comes to D.C.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never rolled out a red carpet for a murderous piece of shit.

Interview alert: We have the first exclusive joint interview with J.D. Scholten and Josh Turek face to face live on substack today at 3 PM ET/12 PM PT. Please tune in!

Note: Hot damn, Sexy Patriots! A lot has happened since we last met, and we really shouldn’t waste a second before we start talking about it. That’s why we’re going to start off this week by making fun of the First Lady. If you didn’t see it, Trump Wife No. 3 wrote a letter to Putin. We wish we were kidding. Please enjoy this for yourself, but keep in mind that it’s real and this isn’t the parody version…

Well we did it. We finally found something so fucking stupid that even ChatGPT doesn’t want credit. What a fucking moron. What the hell does that gibberish even mean?! The only nice thing we can say about that vapid shit is that she clearly didn’t plagiarize it from Michelle Obama. But it gets worse. There was another page. And we have it exclusively here at AltMedia.com…

The thing is, sir, children are like people like you and me but they are smaller. And then there are little people but that’s a whole different story. Children can’t make war, sir. Their feet won’t reach the pedals in the tanks. I guess if one child stood on another child’s shoulders then they could be a soldier. Hey that rhymes kinda. Children love rhymes. They also like being breastfed by the nanny because ewwww yucky. My husband has a bunch of children but they are big now and Barron is not his. He also has a little orange weiner and he gets very mad because it doesn’t work. He likes children too. So did our friend Jeff. I gotta go, sir, but children. Children are little adults. Bye, sir. And if you know Trudeau, please tell him I said hi.

Admit it — you believed she wrote it for a second. We confess it’s fake, but it’s sure as hell not any more embarrassing than the dumb shit she actually did write. We apologize for not being best, but that’s fucking stupid too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This is one of those mornings when it sucks to be a Democrat. Why? Well because MSNBC is now MS NOW and it was already a shitty excuse for a liberal network and now it’s got a dumb name to boot. We really need a Fox News. More: HuffPost

Note three: We don’t think we’ve ever mentioned Bari Weiss’s Free Press. Mostly because we think it’s a sucky joke. But this weekend they posted a story about how a bunch of children who starved to death in Gaza actually had preexisting conditions so it’s ok that they starved too. We’re not making this up. We decided to link to it just so you can see it for yourself. But be warned that it’s pretty dang fucked up. Just a reminder that you can support the existence of Israel without making excuses for dead children.

They Became Symbols for Gazan Starvation. But All 12 Suffer from Other Health Problems.

Note four: It’s official. Sherrod Brown is running for the U.S. Senate. This is already a win for Democrats because Sherrod is a great candidate who will force Republicans to spend money in Ohio. Go get ‘em, Sherrod! More: NBC News

Note five: D.C. spent the weekend resisting while a bunch of masked fuckheads terrorized their city.

Note six: Yeah, Republican states really want to start another civil war, so West Virginia and South Carolina and Ohio sent National Guard troops to D.C. When dumb rednecks used to say that the South shall rise again, we thought they were just drunk. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Millions of Israelis took to the streets this weekend to protest the war in Gaza and call for a real plan to get the hostages home. We stand with these protesters. End this war. More: Associated Press

Note eight: D.C. restaurants saw a 25 percent droop in diners this weekend. Trump’s war on small businesses is going great. More: The Hill

Note nine: Love him or hate him, Gavin Newsom is on a roll. That man and his social media team are giving Trumpers the fits, and we are loving every goddamn second of it. More: CNN

Note 10: This one made us snort-laugh.

Note 11: Bill Maher says that big name Democrats are too afraid to do his show. Yeah, it’s either that or they just think he’s a Republican and an asshole. It’s not them, Bill. It’s you. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Did y’all see Marco Rubio on the Sunday shows? We had no idea we could still be so embarrassed for such a sad little slug man. More: Rolling Stone

Note 13: Thank you to the Texans who took to the streets this week to protest their state’s bullshit power grab. You’re not alone, Sexy Patriots. There are people pushing back against this madness all over the country. More: KXAN

Note 14: Trump was so embarrassed and angry about the media coverage of his surrender to Putin that he was reduced to tweeting about his fucking flag pole. More: Mediaite

Note 15: RIP to actor Terrence Stamp. Yes, he was a brilliant General Zod, and he was great in Young Guns. But you gotta see this dude in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Rest easy, sir.

Note 16: Ugh. Russian forces actually put a fucking American flag on one of their military vehicles. It’s flying next to the Russian flag. Respected around the world! More: Politico

Note 17: Um so did Trump really do a favor for another gross child porn creep? Because it sure as shit looks that way. More: The Jerusalem Post

Note 18: If you want to cry this morning, read this piece about Andry Hernandez Romero, who we all know as the gay stylist that Trump sent to a concentration camp. His message to the U.S. LGBTQIA+ community sure made it dusty in here. More: Advocate

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to D.C. The thugs who call themselves ICE decided to tear down a pro-immigrant sign and replace it with a dildo. The people of D.C. returned and put up new signs. Because fuck fascism. Keep resisting, D.C.

Note 20: And on that undeterred note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. But we get it if you spent the last couple of days embarrassed as hell to be an American. At least you’re not Melania. Love y’all!

Putin’s election tips
Trump’s daddy Putin told him that America shouldn’t have mail-in voting (even though Russia has mail-in voting) and so dipshit woke up this morning and declared he will issue an executive order to get rid of mail-in voting and some voting machines. So Trump is now openly taking tips on running elections from Vladimir fucking Putin. Remember when Biden warned about shit like this and CNN focused on the Marines who stood behind him while he did it? Anyway, try not to be too alarmed as Trump has zero authority to do any of this shit. But yeah, it ain’t great. More: The Guardian

Fuck them kids
American shadow president and all-around nutjob Laura Loomer seems to want more kids to die. Loomer told Trump and Marco Rubio that the U.S. was being too kind to children who are wounded in Gaza, so they decided to do away with their medical visas. Rubio was asked about it yesterday and he said their parents might be Hamas. If we can’t all agree that it’s bad to hurt kids, then we’re in real goddamn trouble. It’s also pretty fucked up that a woman who was banned from Uber for being racist trash is now calling the shots. More: Mother Jones

The Free World vs. Trump
Last night, President Zelensky, the real leader of the free world, arrived in Washington. Today he will meet with Trump, who spent the weekend raging after his highly-anticipated meeting with Putin on Friday was universally dismissed as a global humiliation. After getting his ass handed to him by Putin, Trump spent the last few days saying it’s on Zelensky to end the war by giving up Ukrainian territory. That’s why we’re so happy to see that European and NATO leaders are making an emergency visit to D.C. to have Zelensky’s back. Wanna bet that TACO pusses out today? More: CNN

Today’s clips
Texas Democratic lawmakers said they had returned to the state Monday after a two-week absence that temporarily blocked Republican leaders from enacting a plan aimed at padding their party's majority in the U.S. House, a move that sparked a national political firestorm over redistricting. More: NBC News

Hurricane Erin remains a Category 4 storm, forecast to bring life-threatening surf and rip currents across the U.S. East Coast this week. More: NBC News

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn.) called President Donald Trump’s recent meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin a “disaster,” claiming that it resulted in the Russian leader getting “everything he wanted.” More: HuffPost

Newsmax will pay Dominion Voting Systems $67 million to settle the defamation lawsuit brought against the right-leaning news outlet over its pushing of debunked claims that the 2020 presidential election was stolen. The settlement reads that “parties agreed to resolve the lawsuit among them for a total amount of $67 million to be paid in the current and next two fiscal years. The payments will be made in three installments: (1) $27 million paid on August 15, 2025; (2) $20 million on or before January 15, 2026; and (3) $20 million on or before January 15, 2027.” More: Mediaite

Comedian John Oliver devoted a Sunday night takedown on Last Week Tonight to Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) campaign, a wellness crusade that the host warned fused fringe health fads and replaced key public health institutions with “liver smoothies.” More: Mediaite