‘The Protection Program’

It’s Monday. There are 127 days until the midterm elections. A weekend of more war, Mike Little Johnson gives away the game and E. Jean beats Trump again.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never spanked it at the national fair.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you today. Did you have a great weekend? Did you go to Trump’s big dumb fair? Of course you didn’t! Because nobody did!

LOLOL! Wow that’s pathetic! We’ve seen more people at a lepers’ orgy! We spent part of our weekends monitoring the crowds for this thing, but that didn’t take very long because nobody showed up. Because Trump fucked up America’s birthday just like he fucks up everything else. Try to imagine how the press would have covered it if Obama or Biden had turned America’s 250th into a joke that even Milli Vanilli wanted no part of.

But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe there was a big crowd and we just didn’t see it. So here’s an interview with all the people at the fair…

Us: Hello?
Fair-goers:
Us: Is anyone here?
Fair-goers:
Us: Wait! There’s someone!
Fair-goer: Hey dudes. Sorry I didn’t hear you. My ears are packed with bullshit and Trump’s tiny weiner. Isn’t this fair awesome? Vanilla Ice asked me for a dollar!
Us: Ok, well nice to meet you, Dean Cain.

So it wasn’t completely empty. But it was pretty fucking close, and that’s a big damn embarrassment for Trump and America. Why isn’t it being covered that way? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s a Supreme Court opinion day, so brace your sexy selves. More: AP

Note three: The potential 2028 Democrats are getting the feature treatment. Here’s how Andy Beshear is looking these days. It’s a good piece about a good dude. More: New York Times

Note four: Putin admitted that Russia is having fuel shortages because Ukraine keeps drinking his milkshake. It reminds us of the old proverb — don’t start none; won’t be none. More: NBC News

Note five: We can’t stop laughing at this fucking fair. Especially as Trump lies and lies and lies about it…

Note six: The New York Times has some new polling out of Maine. The topline is Platner leading Collins 49-47, but they are both underwater in terms of favorability. Gonna be a rock fight. More: The Hill

Note seven: Some miserable piece of shit went after Pete Buttigieg and his family. We hope whoever did this rots in hell. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump spent his Sunday ranting about “criminally-made algae” and the public golf courses he’s stealing from the people of D.C. Guess that’s another weekend where Baron has to throw a ball to himself. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Our planet is sick and getting worse, so the weather is getting scary as a motherfucker. Y’all be safe out there. More: NBC News

Note 10: Wow. Ron DeSantis is really, really fucking racist. We’re shocked his bitch ass didn’t do this in blackface…

Note 11: We hate talking about Bill Maher because he’s a fucking nobody. But this weekend he kissed the couchfucker’s ass and said he was open to voting for JD or Rubio. Anyone who still thinks this dude is anything other than a MAGA asshole is lying to themselves. More: USA Today

Note 12: Btw, Maher was given the Mark Twain prize, which used to go to real comedians like Richard Pryor and Steve Martin. And the only people who showed up were Republicans, Stephen A. Smith and John Fetterman. But we’re being redundant. More: The Hill

Note 13: Well this is the wildest thing we saw all weekend. Thomas Massie turned the tables on a Fox News reporter, chasing him down with some homophobic taunting…

Note 14: Big congrats to former Speaker Nancy Pelosi on her Institute for Democracy that is launching at UC Berkeley. What a cool and well-deserved honor. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Not only are Republicans not helping Americans with student loans, they are going out of their way to make them more painful. It’s wild how it’s illegal to help these folks but it’s just fine to fuck them over. Cool country. More: NBC News

Note 16: Our idiot president showed off the new passports this weekend. He also revealed he doesn’t know how passports work because he’s a goddamn idiot. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Fox News is on an apology tour over Kevin O’Leary’s lies. We hope they are getting sued to hell and back. Again.

Note 18: Phew. While we were writing, our corrupt and broken SCOTUS upheld grace periods for counting mail-in votes. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hungary. That beautiful country and those beautiful people have already showed us there’s a way out of fascism. Now they’re showing us what it looks like when you come out the other side and still have hearts full of love. We will never forget the way these people showed up last year despite Orban threatening them. Now they’re partying and he’s out on his ass. Looking good, Hungary!

Note 20: And on that proud note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had the best weekend. And if you did, we assume it’s because you didn’t go to that lame fair. Love y’all!

More War!

You’ll never believe this, but Trump’s ceasefire with Iran didn’t do so great over the weekend as missiles started flying again. But the markets are open today, so Trump told everyone that the ceasefire is back on and the two sides will meet in Doha this week to negotiate some more. What’s wild is that there are people out there who believe he’s going to figure this mess out. What’s even wilder is that they all seem to work on Wall Street.

More: NBC News

The Protection Program

Today’s headline comes from a jaw-dropping admission from Speaker of the House Mike “Little” Johnson. Watch this video, ponder what a scandal it would have been if Nancy Pelosi had said this and then share it with everyone. In the past, this kind of thing would have been a massive scandal and shown non-stop to Americans. But the media is fucking cooked these days so it’s on all of us.

More: bsky.app

President Rapist

Our Supreme Court is racist, corrupt and broken. But even they won’t bail out Trump for being a rapist. This morning, SCOTUS officially denied Trump’s efforts to appeal the verdict he lost to Carroll in civil court, meaning it’s time for that gross piece of shit to pay up. It’s hard to put into words how grateful we are to E. Jean for taking this all the way, for refusing to be cowed by Trump’s threats and attacks. It’s a level of courage few have shown in the Trump years, and we hope she gets her money soon. We also hope the mainstream media start taking this seriously and asking the president of the United States real and hard questions about him being a rapist.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Sen. Chris Coons, D-Del., was taken to the hospital and treated for what his office called minor injuries after a multi-car crash Sunday. More: NBC News

A man with the same name and party affiliation as Alaska Republican U.S. Sen. Dan Sullivan is eligible to challenge the senator in the August primary, a judge ruled Friday. More: NBC News

Comcast is planning to split itself into two separate publicly traded companies by spinning off NBCUniversal and Sky. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court said Monday it will consider a Republican push to enforce strict Arizona voting laws passed in the swing state after the 2020 election. More: AP

Former President Joe Biden didn’t hold back from ripping “loser” President Donald Trump over his Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool and his other controversial Washington renovation projects while delivering remarks Saturday night at a gala hosted by the Maryland Democratic Party. More: HuffPost

PARIS (AP) — Every few minutes, the mortuary owner’s phone rings. Since a record-smashing heat wave started taking lives and storage space for bodies in Paris and beyond, the funeral directors and mourning families calling him mostly have the same question: Do you have room for one more? More: AP