The pro-slavery president

It’s Wednesday. There are 440 days until the midterm elections. Elon’s latest explosion, Ossoff uncovers ICE’s abuses and the pro-slavery president.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s not some racist shit-for-brains who thinks slavery was good.

Note: We could never lie to you, Sexy Patriots. We’re too honest, and you’re too Sexy and Patriotic. So we’ll just come clean and tell you that shit is royally fucked up, so it makes sense if you’re freaked out and occasionally bursting into tears or fits of loud cussing. That’s why it’s so weird that we can’t stop laughing right now. What has us cracking up? The governor of California.

We’ve had our problems with him, but Gavin Newsom’s trolling operation is driving Republicans (more) insane, and we are loving every second of it. Watch this sad shit and tell us you didn’t almost bust a gut…

Yeah, she definitely doesn’t get it. What a fucking square. But what makes that really funny is the idea that some tight-ass PTA Karen is gonna decide what’s funny and what’s not. Like we’re gonna take comedy lessons from the preachers from Footloose?! Dana wouldn’t know funny if it took a giant shit on her face. None of these freaks would. How do we know that? Because they think Trump is funny, and they absolutely cannot handle having this garbage thrown back in their face. They now want us all to be woke and sensitive and politically correct. Well fuck that and fuck them.

So please join the governor of California and his team in trolling Trump and his cult of dipshits to hell and back because they really can’t take it. What a bunch of fucking snowflakes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did you miss yesterday’s therapy session? Well catch up here, and join us tomorrow when we get back to it. Yeah, that’s how bad shit is. We’re now doing two therapy sessions a week.

Note three: Want another laugh? Steven Cheung, one of Trump’s top kiss-asses and quite possibly the ugliest human being in history, absolutely lost it after rock star Jack White criticized Trump’s trashy Saddam Hussein Oval Office decor. It is really easy to get under these assholes’ skin. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump is going after another Black woman. If only we had some sort of mainstream media who could call out this racist crap. Or maybe they could call out a housing agency being used to go after Trump’s political enemies. More: NBC News

Note five: We know Trump likes to attack women. We also know it’s because they’re always kicking his sorry ass. Git him, Mayor Wu!

Note six: Think things can’t get any worse? Well Walmart is selling radioactive shrimp. Wonder how many you have to eat to get super powers. More: USA Today

Note seven: The New York Times has a big story today about how the Democratic Party is hemorrhaging voters. This really ain’t good, but we’re always just one election away from turning it around. We just need real fighters with real backbones. More: New York Times

Note eight: Trump called himself a “war hero” yesterday. We ran that through the fact-checker and it blew up. What a fucking liar. More: The Hill

Note nine: The crazy lunatic with the brain worm who wants to kill a shitload of people has finally explained why he wears jeans to work out. It’s not much of an explanation, and we continue to believe he is seriously mentally ill. More: The Hill

Note 10: Robert Garcia is the new ranking member on House Oversight, and we are already super impressed. Stuff like this is why…

Note 11: We got some more detail on how the soulless fucks at Fox News lied to America about the 2020 election to try and boost their ratings. They’re lucky their friends in the media didn’t really give a damn. More: Mediaite

Note 12: What’s left of the Washington Post has a story this morning about how Passed Out Pete Hegseth’s security detail is so massive that it’s literally straining the military. We’re excited to read more about it when he starts drunk-texting on Signal. More: The Independent

Note 13: Thank you to Kamala Harris for having Nicole Collier’s back. Collier has now spent two nights as a prisoner in the Texas House chamber. This is what heroism looks like. More: HuffPost

Note 14: A lot of Republicans and reporters wanted to shit on Newsom’s plan to fight back against Texas Republicans based on one cherry-picked poll. Well now Newsom’s numbers show Californians support the idea by a 22-point margin. More: Axios

Note 15: South Park and Towelie are back tonight! We’re so excited to see that weed-smoking towel take on Trump’s invasion of D.C.

Note 16: Well this is confusing. Trump and Pirro keep telling us D.C. is dangerous and crime-filled, but they’re not gonna charge anyone who walks around with a shotgun or a long rifle. It’s almost like they want white assholes to show up and administer some vigilante justice. More: NBC Washington

Note 17: Some Los Angeles Democrats are selling us all out and hosting a fundraiser for Susan Collins. Why do rich Democrats suck so much? More: New York Times

Note 18: Dogkiller Kristi Noem announced yesterday that Trump wants the partially-constructed wall at the Southern Border to be painted black so that it gets really hot and burns people. This is the first time in recorded history that Trump has wanted something to be black. More: KTVU

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to show you what a real goddamn hero looks like. It’s true that shit is bleak right now. But that means there are lots of opportunities for ordinary people to be extraordinary. Thank you to whomever this dude is and fuck ICE.

Note 20: And on that heroic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great hump day. Don’t forget to laugh at the squares. Love y’all!

A real genius
Remember how Elon Leon was launching his own political party because Trump is on the Epstein list and Elon Leon is furious about government spending? Well that shit blew up like one of his rockets, and the America Party is deader than disco. Yeah, the Wall Street Journal is reporting that the sad-sack drugged-out billionaire has crawled back to Vice President Couchfuck to cozy back up to the Republican Party and he wants to get Vance elected in 2028. Maybe he suddenly remembered they’re all in a big corrupt deal together that allows them to line their pockets while fucking over Americans. Or maybe he just got all fucked up and ketmaine-dialed Vance. Regardless, expect the billionaire buttlick to spend a lot more money trying to help Republicans win elections. More: The Independent

Abolish ICE
We have to reelect Sen. Jon Ossoff. And not for political reasons. No, we have to keep him in office because of the work he’s doing. Ossoff has found more than 500 allegations of abuse of migrants in ICE custody, including physical and sexual abuse, miscarriages and child neglect. We wish we could say we’re surprised by this, but ICE are lawless thugs who have been let off the chain by a criminal. We are enormously grateful to Ossoff for pursuing this and releasing the findings. Now let’s keep this man in office, win back the House and Senate and start investigating ICE scum.

Ossoff Report Details ICE Abuse of Pregnant Women and Children

Slavery was bad
If we live to be a thousand years old, we will never forgive the white reporters who just couldn’t be sure if the birther asshole was a racist or not. In case there was any doubt, Trump took a break from calling Black women “low IQ” yesterday to announce to the world that he has directed lawyers to go through the Smithsonian exhibits and get rid of anything “woke.” Yeah, President Cankles the Klansman said that the museums focus too much on “how bad slavery was.” We wish we were making that up. We’re sure Ice Cube will speak out any moment the way he did against Biden. Just kidding. Anyway, slavery was fucking evil and so is Trump. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump has purchased at least $103 million worth of corporate and municipal bonds since taking office in January, according to new filings from the Office of Government Ethics. More: NBC News

United States and NATO military officials were set to meet Wednesday to discuss security guarantees for Ukraine as the White House worked to arrange a summit between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Russia's Vladimir Putin. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump’s press pool was treated to a demonstration of his DJ skills on the new White House patio — which boasts umbrellas “literally” flown in from Mar-a-Lago. More: Mediaite

Joe Rogan obliterated President Donald Trump’s claim that the Jeffrey Epstein story is a Democratic-driven hoax. More: Mediaite

More Texas House Democrats spent the night at the state Capitol in Austin in support of Rep. Nicole Collier, who wasn’t allowed to leave the building after she refused to consent to a police escort. More: HuffPost