‘The president’s main priority’

Happy Friday. There are 375 days until the midterm elections and 11 DAYS UNTIL THIS YEAR’S ELECTIONS! Standing with Letitia, Jack Smith wants to talk and Trumpflation!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t stay up all night screaming at Canada like a goddamn idiot.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we regret to inform you that the president of the United States is still a fucking moron. So get ready for war with Canada. Yeah, shit is somehow getting dumber, so we woke up today to the asshead-in-chief announcing in all caps that trade negotiations with our neighbors to the North are over because the couch potato (not the couch fucker) saw that ad from Ontario and lost his shit. Thanks to our friends at Meidas Touch, you can watch the original thing Reagan said about tariffs here…

LOLOL. No wonder dipshit is so mad. He’s getting owned by a ghost. The Reagan Foundation tried to lie to help Trump, but we aren’t buying it. So here’s an interview with Ronald Reagan…

Us: What’s up, asshole? How’s hell?

RR: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! And hell is hot!

Us: Yeah, we figured. So are you for tariffs?

RR: No, that would be stupid economics. And I’m the scumbag who pushed that dumb trickle-down shit.

Us: You see the new guy tear down part of the White House?

RR: Yeah, it’s appalling. And I let millions die from AIDS.

Us: Yeah, we figured that’s one of many reasons why you’re in hell. How’s Nancy?

RR: She left me for Elvis. I’ve been sleeping with one of Satan’s demon goats.

Us: Weird. We figured Elvis could do better.

Well there you have it. A burning-in-hell Ronald Reagan said that tariffs are stupid. So now Trump can stop being a fucking idiot and stop starting fights with our friends and allies. Or he can keep being a fucking idiot. We think we know which way this is gonna go. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNBC

Note two: It looks like Trump’s revenge efforts against Adam Schiff aren’t going so great. He’s been reduced to calling Schiff “scum.” If only Schiff got the same love from Trump that Ghislaine Maxwell did. More: CNN

Note three: The World Series starts tonight. We’re excited because no matter who wins, MAGA will be furious. LOL. More: Associated Press

Note four: The East Wing of the White House is no more. Motherfucker. More: CNN

Note five: Steve Bannon is declaring that Trump will be president again in 2028. Bannon is jailhouse trash who’s probably drunk on toilet wine. Don’t let him get to you. We fight one battle at a time. More: HuffPost

Note six: The scummy deputy AG who made a sweetheart deal with Maxwell is now threatening elected California officials with arrest. We fucking dare him. More: Yahoo

Note seven: Target is cutting 1,800 corporate jobs. We don’t usually cheer when Americans get canned, but we sure hope they fired the dumbshit who thought a war on DEI was a good idea. More: NBC News

Note eight: It’s about that time! Have y’all voted? Do you have a plan to vote? Let’s do this, y’all!

Note nine: Yesterday Trump pardoned a guy who helped him and his sleazy sons make millions off of crypto. We just don’t even have a joke for this level of blatant corruption. More: CNBC

Note 10: We’re not the biggest Hunter Biden fans, but we love the way he hates Jake Tapper. More: Mediaite

Note 11: If Sam seems less horrified today, it’s only because Kentucky Wildcat basketball is back. Find shit that brings you joy. It’s a great defense against the crazy assholes.

Note 12: Here’s a handy list of companies that helped Trump wreck the White House. If you can make them feel some financial pain, then please do. More: NBC News

Note 13: Yesterday, Lyin’ Leavitt said that the ballroom is Trump’s “main priority.” Fortunately, we found a Democrat who doesn’t think politics is beneath him and is willing to call this shit out.

Note 14: Remember the American hero who was following troops around in D.C. playing the imperial march from Star Wars? Well they arrested him. And now he’s suing the shit out of them. More: NBC News

Note 15: Bari Weiss wants Bret Baier to host the CBS news show. So yeah, CBS is just gonna be Fox now. More: Mediaite

Note 16: We are so excited to see this thug motherfucker at the Hague.

Note 17: We have finally figured this out. It’s not that Marjorie Taylor Greene is getting smarter. It’s just that it seems that way because Trump is getting dumber. More: HuffPost

Note 18: How much of a piece of shit is John Fetterman? Well he went on Hannity to attack Kamala Harris for calling Trump a fascist and insisted he would never do that. Except he has before. What an asshole. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to San Francisco, where TACO Trump has backed off his plans to invade after some of his billionaire butthead buddies asked him to. It’s a good reminder that in addition to being an idiot and an asshole, Trump is also a total chickenshit. More: Mediaite

Note 20: And on that cautiously optimistic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are able to unplug and escape this madness this weekend. And if not, we hope you’ll use that time to help win some elections! Love y’all!

Got her back
New York AG Letitia James is being arraigned today on trumped up charges. See what we did there? Anyway, this whole thing is bullshit, and we hope she quickly gets this garbage thrown out of court. Regardless, we’ve got her back. And we’re damn glad to see other Democrats do too…

Let Jack speak!
Republican senators have been howling that former Special Counsel Jack Smith spied on them. Smith said he’s willing to testify to clear shit up, but he wants it public and he wants an assurance that DOJ won’t “punish” him for telling the truth. Sounds like a cool and normal country we’ve got here. The reality is that Smith was investigating a coup attempt against the United States and any senator bitching about being spied on is telling on themselves for being a part of that attempt. We hope Jack is allowed to speak to the public, but we just can’t imagine Gym Jordan would let that happen. More: HuffPost

Trumpflation!
It turns out that Donald Trump didn’t lower prices on Day One. It also turns out that late-night tweeting, wrecking the White House, seeking revenge on his enemies and sucking Putin’s ass haven’t done anything to tame inflation. But hey, it’s not like we just had a whole goddamn presidential election about this issue. According to the Consumer Price Index, inflation went up a bit in September, moving up 3 percent from a year ago. Somehow this is being hailed on Wall Street as good news since it wasn’t as bad as everyone thought it would be. But apparently it’s so embarrassing for what’s left of the White House that they also announced this morning that they won’t release the data next month. So that’s no CPI and no jobs report. Welcome to fucking Russia. More: Reuters, NY Times

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump went from balding and crepe-necked to stern and statesman-like on Time magazine’s new cover released this week. More: HuffPost

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said Friday that the U.S. struck a boat allegedly carrying drugs in the Caribbean Sea, marking at least the third time this week that the U.S. has attacked a vessel it says was involved in drug trafficking. More: NBC News

Vice President JD Vance stressed Wednesday that U.S. officials were not seeking to babysit the Gaza Strip ceasefire and that Israel was a partner, not a “vassal state,” as questions rose over the next steps in the Middle East. More: NBC News

Law enforcement officers fired shots at a vehicle that backed into a U.S. Coast Guard base in the San Francisco Bay Area that had earlier been the site of protests against federal immigration agents, and hours after President Donald Trump called off a planned surge of federal agents into San Francisco to quell crime. More: Associated Press

A New Yorker dubbed “polka dot dress woman” by the internet has gone viral after footage captured her flipping double birds at a law enforcement Humvee on and tussling with agents Tuesday when an ICE sweep triggered protests on Manhattan’s Canal Street. More: Mediaite