The (No) Jobs Report

Happy Friday. There are 424 days until the midterm elections. A Seal Team Six debacle, Trump’s mortgage fraud cabinet and the Golden Age ain’t so Golden.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t totally fuck up the economy.

Note: What a week, Sexy Patriots! It reminded us of one of our favorite movies — Dumb and Dumber. There is A LOT going on, but we want to be sure that this crazy shit gets the attention it deserves. Professional scumbag James O’Keefe, who sent a woman undercover as a rape victim to try and clear Roy Moore’s name (we’re not kidding) has now ensnared his own people in one of his traps. Watch this insanity…

WHAT?! THIS SHOULD BE A MAJOR FUCKING SCANDAL!!! And it somehow got even grosser and dumber and more scandalous. You might be wondering how DOJ reacted to this jaw-dropping revelation from one of their own right-wing dirtbags. Well, they put out a screenshot from the DOJ official that says he met a woman he thought was an au pair on a dating app and she turned out to be an undercover reporter. He said the crazy and obviously truthful shit he said were his “own personal comments on what I’ve learned from the media.” Yeah, sure, bro. We totally believe that.

We normally try to be funny in this opening note, but this is some truly fucked up shit and we hope it gets the attention it deserves. We know there’s a lot going on with Trump fucking up the economy and uniting our enemies and all, but the president of the United States and his administration covering up for child rapists should be front and fucking center. Lock this motherfucker up and then do the people he reports to. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Need some therapy? Trick question. We all need some therapy. So please join us today at 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT for our weekly therapy session.

Note three: We feel bad that the opening note wasn’t humorous so here’s a clip from this week’s South Park to get you chuckling…

Note four: Amy Coney Barrett, who is on her book tour with other right-wing trash, said the country is not “currently” in a constitutional crisis. Well, we feel better. Don’t you? Fuck Amy Coney Barrett. More: NBC News

Note five: While we were writing, Trump responded to the dumpster fire jobs reports by posting about Epstein and blaming Democrats. “It’s time to end the Democrat Epstein Hoax.” We sure hope someone reminds this fucking asshole that the victims said just this week that this was no hoax. Disgusting. More: The Hill

Note six: This is paywalled by CNN, but it’s a pretty shocking report about the freak Trump picked to lead the Bureau of Labor Statistics. He ran an anonymous twitter account that said some really gross shit about Kamala Harris. You can see why Trump likes him so much. More: CNN, Mediaite

Note seven: She doesn’t get as much attention as other Democrats, but Boston Mayor Michelle Wu is a badass and we are big fans. Get their asses, Michelle.

Note eight: Trump had a dork dinner with a bunch of tech geeks last night. Elon Leon wasn’t invited. He might have been the lucky one. We regret to report that nobody choked. More: HuffPost

Note nine: At the dinner last night, Trump denied that he is interfering in the NYC mayoral race. Today we found out that he’s probably going to offer an ambassadorship to Saudi Arabia to Eric Adams to get him to drop out. Sounds legit, right? More: Politico

Note 10: Thank you to the Democratic senators who tore RFK Jr. a new asshole yesterday. And fuck you to the Republican senators who are just now figuring out what a dumb idea it was to put a psycho freakshow in charge of our health. More: MSNBC

Note 11: Did y’all hear RFK Jr. breathing on the microphone? It sounded like Darth Vader giving a blowjob to a weed-whacker. Who in the hell listens to this lunatic and thinks yeah that’s the guy who should be in charge of my kids’ health?

Note 12: We almost entitled today’s newsletter as “the robots are here” because we think it is so fucking funny to hear our brainless dumbshit Worst Lady say stuff like that. Don’t worry, everyone. She has an Einstein Visa and she’s going to save us from the Terminator. More: CNN

Note 13: ICE did a massive raid on a Hyundai plant in Georgia today as Trump continues his war on the American economy and our allies. It’s like watching America commit suicide in slow motion. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Looks like former President Biden had some skin cancer removed. We hope he’s doing great. More: Mediaite

Note 15: Trump is still putting out passive-aggressive social media posts about the way he united China, Russia and India. We saw this video of Kim’s minders cleaning his chair and realized Trump’s people probably do the same. But only after he poops on it.

Note 16: Greg Gutfeld says he doesn’t know how vaccines work. So just add this to the list right after gravity, democracy and the female orgasm. More: Media Matters

Note 17: This is our second mention of Darth Vader in this edition. Someone bought his lightsaber. It wasn’t us, but it would be if we won the Powerball. More: NBC News

Note 18: Mitch McConnell is warning everyone about Trump. Yeah, he’s still alive and apparently just now figuring out that Trump is bad for Ukraine and democracy. Seriously, Turtlenuts? More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to the NYC mayoral race. We were gonna show a video Mamdani put out this morning asking people to stop sending him money (we have never seen a politician do this before), but we enjoyed this clip of him challenging Trump to come talk shit to his face so much that we had to share it. The White House press need to ask Trump why he’s too much of a coward to debate Zo.

Note 20: And on that hell yeah note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. You’ve earned it. And if you’re on Hinge, stay the fuck away from creeps at DOJ who cover for pedophiles. Love y’all!

BONUS HAPPY ENDING — Y’all know that Sam is a huge John Candy fan so we just had to share this preview. Try to ignore the part about Amazon Prime.

Killer Seals
The New York Times has a jaw-dropping scoop this morning about a Navy SEAL mission from Trump’s first term that went horribly wrong. Trump sent SEAL Team Six into North Korea to plant listening devices, and the team was immediately discovered by a North Korean fishing boat. So what did they do? They murdered everyone on board, punctured their lungs so the bodies would sink and then left without even planting the listening devices. Congress was never notified of any of this. And this was the first term. Can you imagine the fucked up evil and dumb shit they’re doing now?! More: New York Times, Mediaite

Found some more
You know how Trump and his lackey Bill Pulte have been going after Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook over alleged mortgage fraud? Well ProPublica found three Trump cabinet members who have done the same shit. So why isn’t Pulte going after them? Well you know the answer to that. They’re not Black women and they’re not stopping Trump from being a total dictator. This is some fantastic journalism, and it really should be a bigger story. More: ProPublica, CNBC

Golden Age? More like Golden Shower
Trump is so goddamn incompetent he can’t even rig the jobs report right. Yeah, after firing the head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics after last month’s shit jobs report, Trump learned today that even his new flunky can’t hide how bad it is. The U.S. economy only added 22,000 jobs last month, and the unemployment rate went up to 4.3 percent. It gets worse. The June numbers were revised down 27,000 jobs. We’ve lost like 80,000 manufacturing jobs since Trump came back. The administration was in full cope mode this morning, telling everyone that the good numbers won’t kick in for a year and this is all Jerome Powell’s fault. So yeah, the Sleepy guy handed Trump a humming economy, and Trump fucked it up in a matter of months. GREAT AGAIN!!! More: The Guardian, Mediaite

Today’s clips
Hamas released a video on Friday of two Israeli hostages seized from a music festival in Israel in October 2023, and one said he was being held in Gaza City, where the Israeli military has launched a major offensive to wipe out the militant group. More: NBC News

Polling showing that a majority of President Donald Trump’s voters support vaccines was shared with several Republicans lawmakers’ staffers in a closed-door meeting Wednesday, according to two people familiar with the meeting. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump savaged veteran New York Democrat Jerry Nadler as a “bum” and “psychopathic nut job” and a “bum” as he celebrated the congressman’s decision to retire after 34 years in the House. More: Mediaite

The Trump administration said Thursday it is abandoning a Biden-era plan that sought to require airlines to compensate stranded passengers with cash, lodging and meals for flight cancellations or changes caused by a carrier. More: Associated Press

Prosecutors informed a judge Thursday that they were withdrawing federal charges against a man they accused of threatening to kill President Donald Trump, marking another embarrassing setback for Trump ally and former Fox News host Jeanine Pirro amid Trump’s D.C. crime crackdown. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam