The Most Busted Name in News
Happy Friday. There are 249 days until the midterm elections. DOJ tries to cover for Nutlick, the men’s hockey team learns a painful lesson and the end of CNN.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it gets easily confused and frightened by England’s politics.
Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it to the weekend looking fine as hell and smelling like success and hotness and we’re really proud of you for doing it. Plus, we really like the way you don’t have an affair with a pscyho while flying around the country in luxury terrorizing brown people on our dime. We wish Kristi Noem was more like you…
LOL! Sure, dog-killer. Everyone totally believes you. Kristi is spiraling because there’s a new book coming out, and That Atlantic has an excerpt that’s all about her and Creepy Corey having an affair. We kinda figured this was coming when Kristi started appearing with her husband lately and posting bullshit videos of them as a happy couple. But we didn’t want to make assumptions so we caught up with Mr. Noem…
Us: LOLOL!!! Hey there, little guy.
Mr. Noem: Oh god no. No no no no no no no.
Us: Don’t you wish your wife would say that to Corey?
Cuck Noem: Please leave me alone. I have a happy marriage!
Us: LOL! Sure you do, buddy. Do you think your wife is in the Nazi Mile-High Club as we speak?
Noem: (Starts crying uncontrollably)
Us: Awww, come here, little fella. She can’t hurt you or Cricket anymore.
Poor guy! We’re just kidding. We’re sure he’s a piece of shit too. We would normally never delight in the martial misery of two people we don’t know. But these people really suck. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: It’s been another crazy, fucked up week so we need some more therapy. How about y’all? Let’s do today at 2 p.m. ET/ 11 a.m. PT. See you then!
Note three: Remember how Republicans kept telling us they beat inflation? Well you’ll never believe this, but they were fucking lying. More: CNBC
Note four: You know DHS killed that blind refugee this week? Well they also lied about it like the soulless scum that they are. More: HuffPost More: WLNS
Note five: Some big doings in British politics overnight as the Greens picked up a big victory, and anti-trans, anti-immigrant bullshit took a big L. Also, this is the funniest thing you’ll see today, and it’s a nice preview of what CNN reporters can expect…
Note six: NBC got a hold of 911 calls from one of America’s concentration camps. It’s pretty fucking awful, so be advised. More: NBC News
Note seven: The Pentagon is exactly as incompetent as you think it is right now. The FAA had to close the airspace around El Paso again because DOD used a laser to shoot down a drone. The best part? It was a Border Patrol drone. Fucking idiots. More: HuffPost
Note eight: Welp, if you want to know how Trump is going to try and steal our elections, a new report came out yesterday. Fuck him. Let him try so America can see what he really is. Again. More: HuffPost
Note nine: Bill Clinton is becoming the first former president to have to testify in front of Congress today. Two thoughts on this — 1. We’re really glad Republicans are setting this precedent and 2. Bill does have some shit he needs to answer for.
Note 10: Hillary, on the other hand, never even fucking met Epstein and it’s insane she was hauled in while Melania just skates. Fortunately, Hillary is smarter than the people going after her…
Note 11: Man, Zohran Mamdani might just be the most charming man in the world. He went back to the White House yesterday and got Trump to agree to help New York City build more housing. He also got Trump to release some Palestinian students that Trump abducted. We couldn’t do it, but props to Zo. More: USA Today
Note 12: One of the students Zo got released was abducted from her dorm at Columbia yesterday morning after DHS officers lied and said they were cops looking for a missing child. More: NBC News
Note 13: This is hard to watch, but we thought it was important to share. So many people are hurting right now, and the media keep acting like it’s all a big game.
Note 14: The Atlantic is furious because Jasmine Crockett’s campaign escorted one of their reporters out and revoked her access. We’re seeing a lot of folks on our side condemn this, but frankly we think it’s overdue for our party to start treating the press the way Republicans do. More: The Atlantic
Note 15: You know how Trump said the other night that Iran will soon have missiles that can hit Iran. Well that was another lie. Yeah, we don’t know what’s going on with him. He’s usually way more honest. More: NBC News
Note 16: Trump’s election suppression bill looks to be dying in the Senate. But keep making calls to make sure. More: NBC News
Note 17: This is how seriously Republicans are taking the Epstein stuff…
Note 18: A new poll shows that Americans have shifted sympathies from Israel to Palestinians. People don’t remember but Joe Biden warned Israel after Oct. 7 to not do what Americans did after 9/11 and squander the goodwill from the rest of the world. More: Associated Press
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take back Note Five. This is the funniest thing you will see today. As two guys who have met plenty of women who were busy washing their hair, we can read between the lines here…
Note 20: And on that awkward note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend until we go to war with Iran. But it could be worse. You could be married to Kristi Noem. Love y’all!
Nice try, Nutlick
There’s a weird photo of Howard Nutlick with Epstein on Pedo Island, and DOJ tried to make it go away. It’s pretty wild how this continues to be a shocking cover-up in plain sight, and the msm barely seem to care. Nutlick has repeatedly been caught lying about his relationship with Epstein, and this just adds to the pile. Also, we don’t see his wife, kids or nannies in the photo. More: The Independent
Heated Rivalry
After days of pissing everyone off, the U.S. Men’s Olympic hockey team is learning a painful lesson. Brady Tkachuck (spelling?) is not happy that the White House posted an AI video of him shitting on Canada because he plays for Ottawa and that’s pretty uncomfortable. A number of the other players have used the past couple of days to express regret about laughing at Trump’s shitty joke about the women’s team. Rick Wilson really nailed it when he said that everything Trump touches dies. Obviously that’s a bit dramatic for these young men, but we do hope they’re able to learn and grow from this. More: ESPN
The Most Busted Name in News
Welp, that’s the end of CNN and maybe HBO. Yesterday, after the Netflix CEO went to the White House, Netflix suddenly decided to pull out of negotiations to buy Warner Bros., leaving Trump-owned Paramount as the only buyer. This is really, really bad news. According to StatusNews, the White House was celebrating that Trump will be able to destroy CNN. Media consolidation has already led to the death of competition and truth, and now it could lead to the end of democracy. We have confidence that people will be able to see through whatever bullshit CNN becomes, but we will miss the good work they did. And yes, they often did good work. Don’t look so surprised:) More: CNBC
Today’s clips
TEL AVIV — The United States on Friday told some embassy staff that they could leave Israel — and that those who want to must do so quickly — as fears of an American attack on Iran fueled alarm throughout the region. More: NBC News
PESHAWAR, Pakistan — Pakistan declared “open war” Friday on Afghanistan, after the two South Asian neighbors traded overnight attacks in a sharp escalation of their long-running dispute. More: NBC News
WASHINGTON (AP) — Scouting America will alter several policies at the urging of the Pentagon, including one targeting transgender youths, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday as he pushes a campaign against military support for diversity, equity and inclusion efforts. More: Associated Press
WASHINGTON (AP) — A public showdown between the Trump administration and Anthropic is hitting an impasse as military officials demand the artificial intelligence company bend its ethical policies by Friday or risk damaging its business. More: Associated Press
MAGA Rep. Troy Nehls (R-Texas) defended his colleague Rep. Tony Gonzales’ (R-Texas) decision not to resign or suspend his reelection campaign amid involvement in an apparent affair with a staffer who died by suicide last year. More: HuffPost
"Fortunately, Hillary is smarter than the people going after her …"
I have cats that are smarter than any Republican I know. And one of those cats is a stuffed toy and still outdoes them.
Note 19: I believe the proper answer is: "Absolutely fucking not."
And as far as the US Men's hockey team being total douchebag idiots allowing themselves to be used and then whine that "You make everything political," welp, that's life, buckos. Everything IS political because politics shapes your lives, whether it's water rights, voting rights, or breathing rights. Ask them how they feel about Kansas immediately yanking drivers' licenses from trans folk and threatening them with prison just for driving. THAT kind of cruelty is what your bullshit WH visit endorsed, as well as shooting people on the streets and abandoning blind people in a fucking blizzard. Pay attention, dumbasses.