‘The Last of Our Concerns’

It’s Tuesday. There are 231 days until the midterm elections. Buh-bye to Bovino’s beotch-ass, the White House says eff the American consumer and Trump loses a proud boy over Iran.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Which is much healthier than throwing dung balls at Kevin Hassett.

Note: Sexy Patriots! What the hell is going on? We’re not making small talk; we’re actually asking. Trump lost 92,000 jobs last month, he’s already lost 13 soldiers in an unpopular war that’s costing $1 billion a day to fight and he’s got shit approval numbers. And it actually gets worse. This dumb sonofabitch thinks he’s talking to former presidents…

Um what?! CNN reached out to the four living former presidents, and they have no idea what this asshole is talking about. We know a lot of people assume it’s Bill, and that’s a pretty good guess. But it’s actually us.

LOL! Yep. We’ve been catfishing Trump as a former president for months. We got his cell phone number and started calling him on the reg just to fuck with him. We had no idea he was taking it so seriously. We didn’t even use a real president’s name. We told him we’re President Harry Nutsachs. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Didn’t even ask when we were president. Just started talking about windmills and his fucking ballroom. But he’s lying about us endorsing his war on Iran. In fact, we still have the transcript from that call…

(In-Progress…)

Trump: … and that’s when I told her that it’s not going to get any bigger just because the water is warmer.

Us: That’s fascinating, bro. So you’re not really so shit-for-brains that you’re going to attack Iran, are you?

Trump: I do believe I’ll have the honor of taking Iran.

Us: What a weird fucking thing to say. You sound like a Game of Thrones rapist instead of just the regular rapist that you are. You really don’t give a shit who dies, do you?

Trump: Xylophone radar, my squirrels. Shazbot ate the dinghy and now my ankles hurt. I must go because Gorbachev is on the other line.

Us: Gorbachev died four years ago.

Trump: Fake news! Rigged election! Full diaper!

Well, he seems to be doing well. That’s a made-up interview, but it’s really not that far off anymore, is it? We’re glad he’s going down. It just really sucks that he’s taking the whole goddamn world with him. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump did actually talk all rapey about Cuba yesterday, and he’s totally fine letting the poor people on that island starve. Remember when we were the good guys? Or at least good enough to lie to ourselves? More: NBC

Note three: It’s Election Day! For some of us! If people are voting near you, join them! And please don’t vote for any fascists or wimps. More: Bolts Mag

Note four: We’re damn curious to see what happens in the Illinois Ninth District. Y’all know we stay out of primaries, but we’ve been damn moved by Kat’s campaign. Any candidate who will get thrown to the ground by ICE thugs and then jump right back up to get back at them is our kind of candidate. More: NPR

Note five: We know you don’t need it, but here’s another shocking reminder that the president of the United States is an idiot. Just an absolute idiot.

Note six: Do you know how racist and lawless you have to be to lose Florida sheriffs? More: Florida Phoenix

Note seven: Trump spent a year threatening and insulting our allies, and now they’re telling him to eat shit. And we agree with them. More: HuffPost

Note eight: The D.C. pipe bomber says he was pardoned by Trump. And that’s probably true because Trump put lots of violent criminals back on the streets. If only there was some kind of White House press corps to ask about it. More: NBC

Note nine: Pakistan bombed an Afghan hospital, killing at least 400 people. Isn’t this one of the wars Trump ended?! More: The Independent

Note 10: How much does this stupid war suck? Republicans are afraid to admit they’re going to put Marines on the ground. We think this asshole should go first to make sure it’s safe.

Note 11: Trump is losing everything. All he has left is the media, and he’s losing them too. So he’s lashing out. More: AP News

Note 12: We hope everyone is being safe and warm with all this crazy weather. We’re not sure how it’s Trump’s fault, but we’re sure it is. More: AP News

Note 13: America is now the world’s biggest asshole. Let’s see Lee Greenwood write a song about this heinous shit.

Note 14: A federal judge is trying to save kids from the brain worm felcher guy. More: NPR

Note 15: RIP to the one and only Kiki Shepard. More: TV Insider

Note 16: Trump is offering statehood to Venezuela because they won a baseball game. We kinda want them to beat the U.S. in the championship game to see if the offer still stands. More: HuffPost

Note 17: You simply cannot imagine the coverage if a Democratic president talked like this. So why is it treated like a totally normal thing when this asshole does it?

Note 18: The White House chief of staff has breast cancer. We hate cancer even more than we hate Trump, so we hope this soulless piece of shit beats it so she can rot in prison. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. We had never seen this clip until this morning and we have about a million questions…

Note 20: And on that confusing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a lovely St. Patrick’s Day and don’t go too hard on the green beer. And that’s an order from your fake president, Harry Nutsachs. Love y’all!

Don’t go too far

Speaking of leprechaun penises, Greg Bovino announced yesterday that he will be retiring at the end of the month. After gassing and tormenting innocent people and getting off on it, Bovino was sent to the showers by our asshole president after the PR got too hot in Minnesota. That tends to happen when you murder innocent people. We appreciate JB Pritzker making clear that he ain’t done with Bovino yet, and we continue to hope that little shit will spend the rest of his days inside a cell.

More: The Guardian

Kevin!

We said that in our best Catherin O’Hara voice. God we miss her. Normally we would put a video clip like this in the Notes section, but this one was too important for that. So please enjoy this video of Trump’s top economic adviser telling American consumers to fuck off…

Nazi out

Big news this morning as antisemite and Proud Boy enthusiast Joe Kent announced he is resigning as Trump’s director of the Counterterrorism Center. Kent said he is leaving because America should not have gone to war with Iran and only did so after being manipulated by Israel. So yeah, he’s definitely sticking with the antisemitism. Kent is a scumbag, and we won’t be welcoming him to the resistance. We will simply point out that the Iran War is so fucking stupid that even nazis don’t like it.

Today’s clips

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Closing arguments are set to kick off Tuesday in a trial pitting Elon Musk against Twitter shareholders who say the world’s richest man engaged in a pattern of deceptive behavior that misled investors as he attempted to back out of his $44 billion deal to buy the social media platform in 2022. More: AP News

MEXICO CITY — Iran’s Embassy in Mexico on Tuesday said the country is negotiating with FIFA to move Iran’s World Cup matches from the U.S. to Mexico after President Donald Trump discouraged the team from attending the tournament, citing safety concerns. More: NBC

President Donald Trump said Monday that the U.S. requested that his trip to China be delayed by “a month or so,” citing the war in Iran. More: NBC

ALVARADO, Texas (AP) — A Palestinian woman who was the last person still in immigration detention after the Trump administration’s 2025 crackdown on pro-Palestinian activism on college campuses was freed Monday after a year in custody. More: AP News

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republicans are launching an unprecedented effort on Tuesday to hold the Senate floor and talk for days about a bill that they know won’t pass — an attempt to capture public attention on legislation requiring stricter voter registration rules as President Donald Trump pressures Congress to act before November’s midterm elections. More: AP News