Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And its son said its first non-cuss words today.
Note: Sexy Patriots! Who’s ready to flip Congress and make some scary assholes cry? Yeah, us too. Because shit is royally fucked up and we need some people who can start un-fucking it asap. But before we do, we want to say thank you to President Trump (don’t worry; this is a bit). As y’all know, we hate that motherfucker. Like really, really, really, really hate him. But we have to hand it to him. He did the impossible and made us laugh. How? By hating Ken Paxton as much as we hate him. We seriously can’t stop cracking up at the endless abuse Kenny has to endure for this shit endorsement…
LOLOL!!! The thing everyone forgets about making a deal with the devil is that the devil never comes through and then he shows up in your home state and makes fun of you for being a corrupt loser. And it got worse. We have an exclusive transcript of the rest of Trump’s remarks on Paxton
*… Now I know pieces of shit. I happen to be a YUGE piece of shit. The yugest! Right, Natalie? But even I have to admit that Ken Paxton is a bigger piece of shit than me. Many people are saying he’s the biggest piece of shit in the universe. If being a piece of shit was being a planet, I would be Jupiter and Ken would be the Sun (*note: Trump probably thinks the sun is a planet*). Big strong men straight out of central casting are coming up to me with tears in their eyes and telling me ‘Sir, you’re a giant piece of shit, but even you don’t compare to Ken Paxton.’ So I guess vote for this enormous piece of shit because a piece of shit told you to. God bless Texas.*
Ok so that’s not real. But we bet we’re not that far off. Fuck Paxton. Motherfuck Trump. Save Texas. Save America. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about today at 3:30 p.m. ET/12:30 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then.
Note three: Thank you to New York Gov. Kathy Hochul for naming Letitia James as a special prosecutor to look into the Cornell gang rape allegations. We all need some answers and some justice here. More: ABC7 NY
Note three: Fuckhead has pictures of Putin and Xi in our White House. He really ain’t hiding the dictator shit anymore. More: ABC7 NY
Note four: Speaking of hiding, Susie Wiles has told everyone in the administration to be cool on abortion until after the election. So we really need a House and Senate to stop whatever the fuck they’re planning on abortion and Iran. More: Washington Sun
Note five: Thank you to our friends at Bolts Mag for laying out voter registration deadlines here. Please make sure to check your registration. More: BlueSky
Note six: Speaking of Bolts, they have published the most comprehensive voter guide you will find anywhere. Check it out! More: Bolts Mag
Note seven: We were serious about the first words thing. Adam’s boy Brooks said “Da Da” this morning, and we’re all real excited about it. He’ll be saying “fuck Trump” by the end of the month.
Note eight: Trump is sending a third aircraft carrier to the Middle East. Why? Didn’t we already win this war that isn’t a war? More: HuffPost
Note nine: Trump was hanging out with Dennis Rodman last night. It’s like he’s running out of scumbags. More: Reuters
Note 10: If you’re tempted to rest the next 32 days, just remember this is what we’re up against.
Note 11: Big congrats to A’ja Wilson and the Las Vegas Aces on beating the Indiana Fever (and their racist sexist fans) in the first round of the WNBA playoffs. A lot of people who pretend to watch women’s sports are gonna be very angry when they hear about this. More: ESPN
Note 12: Renee Good’s family are suing the federal government. We’re sure as shit rooting for them. More: NPR
Note 13: When does Davey Hearn get his apology from Trump and Pirro? And why don’t the press give a shit that Trump tried to put an innocent American in prison? More: NBC News
Note 14: Hey Ohio, Max Miller is the absolute scum of the earth. If you vote for him, you are too. More: Mother Jones
Note 15: Man, Mandani really is the dumbfuck whisperer.
Note 16: Abdul called JD “low T JD” and we are dying. It’s almost as good as couch fucking freak. More: HuffPost
Note 17: Looking for an unlikely Senate race to get involved in? Take a look at Mississippi. No, we are not joking and neither is Democrat Scott Colom. More: Yahoo News
Note 18: Republicans are trying to exonerate Nixon. Richard Nixon. But don’t worry. We’re sure they’ll start working on gas prices and healthcare next. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to North Carolina. According to a new report this morning, John Thune and his PAC have stopped spending there. While anything can happen and we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, this is generally considered to be the equivalent of waving a white flag. Guess Trump’s latest fucked up visit there didn’t help the Republican candidate. The even better news? Republicans are being forced to spend in Kansas. LOL. More: Semafor
Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. We also hope Ken Paxton eats a dick. Love y’all!
Fuck ‘em up, Angie
The weirdo beardo loser who puts his tiny tallywhacker in furniture and whatnot wants a Black woman to leave America because she wants people to have healthcare. JD Vance went to Florida yesterday to attack Angie Nixon. He told Nixon to “get the hell out of here — you don’t belong in America.” Sonofabitch. But don’t worry. Angie fired back and got his ass big time. Still, it will never stop being shocking to us that elected officials talk this way and we really hope we get to see JD eat it someday.
More: bsky.app
Ms No
This story actually broke Tuesday night, but we didn’t see it until yesterday after we hit publish. CNN and MSNow, the so-called liberal channel, are taking our money to run Trump’s campaign ads. We are paying for those fucking things, and apparently those news networks are happy to put our money in their pockets and run those fucking ads. It’s a good reminder that right-wingers control the media. MS Now is supposed to be the liberal channel and it’s all former Republicans. Still, we hope they fuck all the way off.
More: Common Dreams, Washington Post
The (No) Jobs Report
Ouch. That’s about all you can say about the September jobs report that came out this morning. Trump officials are all over television trying to tell us that it’s a good thing that the U.S. economy added only 29,000 jobs last month and that the unemployment rate went up. But we’re not total fucking idiots so we’re not buying it. This was the last jobs report before Election Day, and it is a powerful reminder that Donald Trump has fucked up the economy in unimaginable ways. Between tariffs and stupid wars, Trump has wrecked us. And blaming Biden ain’t gonna save him.
More: CNBC
Today’s clips
Member countries in the Group of Seven agreed on Friday to release tens of millions of barrels of diesel fuel and crude oil, the latest move by industrial economies around the world to cap soaring gas prices. More: NBC News
After having suffered massive voter registration losses in the wake of the last presidential election, Democrats have stemmed the bleeding in several key states heading into this year’s midterms, according to an NBC News Decision Desk analysis. More: NBC News
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers have been ordered not to engage in high-speed car chases and to make vehicle stops only if they have completed specific training, under new internal guidance issued after several drivers were shot in encounters with ICE. More: NBC News
NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Christa Pike was in critical condition Thursday and receiving “lifesaving care” at a hospital, her lawyers said, a day after a failed attempt to execute her pushed Tennessee’s governor to halt further executions this year and order an independent review. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court on Thursday agreed to review a Trump administration policy denying bond hearings for immigrants as the government carries out a sweeping crackdown. More: AP
ST. LOUIS, Mo. (First Alert 4) - A St. Louis man who spent decades wondering about his biological roots was recently reunited with his birth parents—and discovered his father is a five-time Grammy Award winner. More: FirstAlert4
Thanks for saying things in a way that actually describes what we are seeing! I always look forward to your posting. Jesus Christ!
Yeah, trump shitting all over Paxton did us a favor.
TEXAS WILL TURN FKN BLUE.
Fuck 'em.