The Great Escalator Wars

It’s Thursday. There are 404 days until the midterm elections. Disinformation from Dallas, Kimmel’s big ratings and making us defend Jim Comey.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It ain’t scared of escalators though.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we went from the Tylenol meltdown to the UN pants-shittening to a total goddamn presidential freakout over a broken fucking escalator. We assume for today that Trump will be walking around with both of his feet and his head stuck in buckets of some kind. Despite all the dumb, we actually have some good news. One of the creepiest goddamn weirdos of all time will no longer be in a position to fuck with kids…

Na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na. Hey Hey Hey. Goodbye! We’ve been kinda sorta paying attention to this freakshow’s tenure as superintendent and we have wondered for a while just how dumb the kids in Oklahoma must be by now. The poor little morons have been forced to eat Trump Bibles for months, half of them think Be Best is good grammar and the rest think 2 + 2 = Bigly. Plus, doesn’t this dude put off all the vibes of someone whose hard drive would get them sent away for life? That moustache definitely used to hang out on Epstein’s island. Dude is out here looking like Jim Dangle from Reno 911.

Anyway, congratulations to the children of Oklahoma who would be bursting out in song today if their music programs hadn’t been cut in favor of Trump Appreciation Class. As for Ryan, well, he can kiss our asses, eat shit and fuck all the way off. Goddamn weirdo. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This has nothing to do with anything, but remember those switchblade combs? Those were cool. We want to bring those back in style. Also, we did a therapy session yesterday and you can catch it here if you missed it live.

Note three: We’re getting closer to a government shutdown, and the White House’s big threat is that they would use a shutdown to fire federal workers. Someone should tell these assholes they already did that and they’re currently busy trying to rehire them all. Idiots. More: NBC News

Note four: We have got to hand it to the Onion. They made an Epstein documentary. Wired describes it as “absolutely unhinged.” It’s called “Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.” It says a lot about where we are as a country that we rely on the Onion for this stuff instead of CNN. More: Wired

Note five: We wish we were kidding about our dumbshit president totally freaking out about a stopped escalator. He’s calling for investigations and Fox News has his back. It reminds us of the line from Ace Ventura — “Had I been drinking from the toilet, I could’ve been killed.” For a big tough guy, Trump sure is a whiny little bitch.

Note six: Senate Democrats are out with a report about what Elon Leon’s DOGE d-bags were really up to and it is infuriating. We can’t wait for a Democratic administration to lock these little shits up. More: Wired

Note seven: The French sentenced Sarkozy to five years. How the hell does every other country know how to do this except ours? More: NBC News

Note eight: Gross Stephen Miller’s gross wife is talking about having gross sex with him. Here’s a link, but we don’t recommend clicking on it. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump is upset that people are upset about his friendship with Epstein and the ensuing cover-up. He says Palm Beach in the 90s was a “different time.” Motherfucker child rape was still bad in the 1990s. More: Mediaite

Note 10: After a couple weeks off, South Park returned last night and Kyle’s mom (who is Jewish) went off on Bibi Netanyahu.

Note 11: The New York Times was very worried that a Trump official might get booed during one of their ass-kissing sessions. To that, we say BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! More: Mediaite

Note 12: The Tylenol thing was such a fucking disaster that Trump’s own allies are walking it back. Can you imagine the coverage if Biden… More: Independent

Note 13: Please don’t forget we have some big elections coming up in New Jersey, Virginia, California and Pennsylvania! Please get involved however you can. Those candidates need some Sexy Patriot energy. More: Pix11

Note 14: It’s honestly wild how much of a disconnect there is between Democratic leadership in D.C. and Democrats in the states. And it’s not hard to see which one is actually in touch with what voters are demanding. More: NBC News

Note 15: Just a reminder that before Kimmel was put through the ringer, plenty of corporate media outlets fired Black women with little to no public outrage. Thank you to Karen Attiah, formerly of the Washington Post, for firing back. And thanks to our friend Katie Phang for helping her.

Note 16: Two things to look forward to — Taylor Swift has a new album out next week, and the second part of Wicked will be out soon. Also, we don’t know about y’all, but we can’t freaking wait to see that new Paul Thomas Anderson movie. It seems pretty timely. More: USA Today

Note 17: It is fucking wild how hard the White House and the Republican Party are working to keep the Epstein files hidden. It’s even wilder how the people who used to want to see them don’t seem to give a shit anymore. More: CNN

Note 18: We’re starting to have a little hope that our country isn’t as dumb as it seems. The brain worm guy’s polling numbers are in the shitter. Which means he’ll probably swim in them. More: CNN, WSAV

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to South Park. If we’ve learned anything this week, it’s that comedy is leading the resistance while other institutions bend the knee and kiss the ass. We picked this clip because the Don Jr. impression had us fucking howling…

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Except Ryan Walters. That dude and his creepy stache can smooch our taints. Love y’all!

Sure, Jan
Yesterday there was a shooting in Dallas. Detainees at an ICE facility were clearly targeted. We don’t know much about them or their condition. We only know that one person was killed. The reason we don’t know much more is that the Trump administration was desperate from the jump to frame this as an episode of political violence from the left, so Kristi Noem and Kash Patel and VP Couchfuck were all pushing lies from the beginning. They are even claiming that one of the bullets even had “anti-ICE” written on it. Yeah, that seems legit. The Trump freaks have responded to this event by demanding we all stop calling those masked thugs names. We refuse to do that. Also, when the fuck are we going to find out what really happened here? Isn’t it great knowing our government is lying to us about mass shootings? More: NBC News

Damn, Jimmy
Jimmy Kimmel’s return to late night this week was watched by roughly a shitload of Americans even though a third of us couldn’t see it because Sinclair and Nextstar are fascist ass-kissing scumbags. Kimmel’s show did 6.3 million viewers on broadcast tv, and he did (at our last count) more than 26 million on YouTube and social media. Those numbers are fucking crazy. Thanks, Trump. And thanks again to Jimmy and his staff for not backing down. More: CNBC

Oh goddamnit
On the long list of people we don’t give a shit about, Jim Comey would be near the top. Except we don’t give a shit about him. The former FBI director is an egomaniacal dumbfuck who helped Trump win in 2016 as much as the Russians did, and we genuinely hate him. Or we would if we gave a shit about him. That’s why it’s so fucking frustrating to have to defend Ichabod Craphead when we’d rather he just go the eff away. But Trump is sending his goons after Comey, and that is something we cannot abide. So here we are defending Jim Comey. Goddamnit. More: CNN

Today’s clips
The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) scrambled fighter jets on Wednesday to identify and intercept four Russian military planes off Alaska, the U.S and Canadian defense organization said in a statement on Thursday. More: Yahoo

CNN anchor and Chief White House Correspondent Kaitlan Collins hit back at Trump DHS Secretary Kristi Noem when she attacked CNN as not “telling the truth,” saying “We tell the truth — every night.” More: Mediaite

Barack Obama has said Donald Trump’s claims linking paracetamol to autism in infants is “violence against the truth” that could harm pregnant women if they were too scared to take pain relief. More: The Guardian

Starbucks said Thursday that it will eliminate 900 nonretail jobs and “close many open positions.” More: NBC News

Read some Sexy Testimonials from some Sexy Patriots
Also we saw your notes that green is harder to read so consider that fixed! Love y’all!