The freaks are out

Today’s Big Stuff. September 20, 2024.

Happy Friday! There are 46 days until the general election. Trump says Jews could cost him the election, Kamala and Oprah bring down the house and we’re actually excited for a Trump rally.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It has not, however, ever referred to itself as a “Black NAZI.” Seriously. What the fuck?

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it finally happened. They broke us. We’re waving the white flag of surrender. Not in this election. Oh hell no. We’re gonna work our asses off to elect Kamala Harris and save this country’s hot ass again. But we’re just not real sure how to cuss and lampoon the Republican Party anymore. How in the hell are we supposed to come up with something that’s more hilarious and batshit insane than Mark Robinson’s lunatic ass? More: CNN

Yiiiiiiiiikes. That screenshot doesn’t really do it justice. You should read the whole story. But be warned it might make you throw up all over yourself. And if you write a cussing newsletter that makes fun of extreme right-wing Republicans for being weirdo freaks, then it might just break you altogether. Because frankly we don’t know how to top this shit. How are we supposed to caricature a self-proclaimed Black Nazi who wishes he could own slaves and enjoys being pissed on?! We’re just longing for those days of yesteryear when we thought Trump was as bad it could get. It never occurred to us he would shit eggs and those eggs would hatch even worse people than him.

Anyway, we’re gonna try to get our crap together to put out a newsletter, but if today’s edition sucks, blame Mark Robinson. Just don’t shake that dude’s hand. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNN

Note two: Just a reminder that Donald Trump REALLY loves Mark Robinson. LOL. What kind of dumb motherfucker calls a total degenerate scumbag “Martin Luther King on steroids?” More: The Hill

Note three: Hey, North Carolina, we know you’re better than all these gross dudes. Vote for Kamala Harris and let’s end this nightmare. “North Carolina, come on and raise up! Take your shirt off, twist it ‘round your hand, spin it like a helicopter!” 

Note four: Remember how Matt Gaetz is probably a child rapist but he also did debate prep for Trump? Well it seems ol’ Matty ain’t out of the woods just yet. What a totally normal political party. More: NOTUS

Note five: Want to see some truly fucked up Washington shit? We knew the press was corrupt, but this is nucking futs! More: Phil Lewis

Note six: Yes, it is insanely gross and unethical that this reporter was writing about Biden while having an affair with RFK Jr. Yes, it is insane that someone would have an affair with RFK Jr. Yes, this is all insane. It should also be a big deal that one of Trump’s top surrogates is having an affair. The press is a mess. More: NPR

Note seven: We tried feeling sorry for Cheryl Hines and Ryan Lizza (the top Politico reporter Nuzzi was engaged to), but it just didn’t take. Oh well.

Note eight: Holy freaking shit! Did y’all see what the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Shohei Ohtani did last night?! He might have played the best baseball game of all time while also becoming the only Major League player in history to hit 50 homeruns and steal 50 bases in a season. Wow. More: ESPN

Note nine: Former Teamster President Jim Hoffa is seriously pissed off at the current asshead president of the Teamsters for refusing to endorse Kamala Harris. We are too. And we know better to piss off people with the last name Hoffa. More: Huff Post

Note 10: Uh-oh! Vice President Kamala Harris is not messing around. You’ve been warned, creepy stalkers! More: Phil Lewis

Note 11: Here’s a story about how the children of Springfield, Ohio are “fearful” because of lies the Republican Party is spreading about the people in their town. We probably shouldn’t move on from this story about Trump and Vance’s terror campaign. More: NBC News

Note 12: One thing about Just Dumb (JD) Vance is that he keeps saying the shit Republicans aren’t supposed to say — like that they’re coming for our healthcare. More: Politico

Note 13: Congratulations to the staff of the Venetian in Vegas on joining the Culinary Union. The entire strip is now unionized. That’s huge and proof that good things can happen after Sheldon Adelson died. More: Las Vegas Sun

Note 14: MAGA Mike Johnson said yesterday he was meeting with Trump. Of course Trump is telling MAGA Mike to shut down the government, so we’re excited to see what these shitheads do next. More: MSNBC

Note 15: We want to stress that we do not believe this poll is accurate. This whole outfit had a bunch of lopsided results yesterday that were simply too positive for our brains to comprehend. But still…

Note 16: It is nothing short of fucking insane that Republicans are trying to change the Electoral College at the very last minute by pressuring Nebraska Republicans to change how they award the votes. THIS is what rigging an election looks like. Heads up — if they are successful, Wisconsin-Michigan-Pennsylvania are no longer enough for us to win. We’ll need Georgia, Arizona or North Carolina. Guess we’re just gonna have to run up the score,. More: KETV

Note 17: The Dow and the S&P 500 both hit record highs again yesterday. So much for that Great Depression Trump kept warning us about. More: CNN

Note 18: Some good news from a broken SCOTUS this morning as they denied a Trump lawyer’s efforts to get Jill Stein back on the ballot in Nevada. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re breaking out our best Oprah impression to tell you that PEOPLE ARE VOTING!!!!!!! LET’S FREAKING GO!!!!!!

Note 20: And on that damn exciting note, let’s go do some news! Between Mark Robinson, RFK Jr and Olivia Nuzzi, yesterday was a pretty bad day for scummy people. So let’s make today a good day for the good people. Love y’all!

WHAT?!
We realize that a corrupt press corps thinks Trump’s threats, outrageous statements and obvious cognitive decline are no big deal, but surely it’s still newsworthy when a major party’s nominee for president goes to an event focused on antisemitism and tells the crowd it will be the Jews’ fault if he loses. We are seriously not making this up. That’s exactly what Trump did yesterday when he was a guest speaker at Miriam Adelson’s antisemitism event. Everything he said was nuts, but the craziest part was when he said “the Jewish people would have a lot to do with a loss.” WHAT?! From the way that guy talks, you’d think he has dinner with Holocaust deniers. Oh wait… More: NBC News

Let’s go!!!
Kamala Harris and Oprah teamed up with some other superstars last night to have a townhall about the stuff that really matters in this election. While we are always excited to see Meryl Streep, it was actually a pretty serious event for the most part with Harris and Oprah hearing from Amber Thurman’s mom, a survivor of the recent school shooting in Georgia, and incest and rape survivor Hadley Duvall. The whole event was wonderful, and it was a powerful reminder that we can employ joy while we take on serious issues and bad people. More: USA Today

Can’t wait
It’s pretty petty of us to devote a whole news item to this but that’s just us. So Trump has an event in Wilmington, North Carolina on Saturday. And we were very excited to really rub it in that he has endorsed a “Black NAZI’ who calls himself a “perv” and wishes he could own slaves. But apparently Mark Robinson won’t be at the rally with Trump. Gosh. Wonder why. If Trump thinks keeping Robinson away from a rally will undo all this damage, then he’s out of his orange goddamn mind. Axios

Today’s clips
Israel carried out what it said was a “targeted strike” on the Lebanese capital Beirut on Friday after Hezbollah unleashed an intense barrage of fire across the border following a wave of stunning attacks targeting the group's communication devices. More: NBC News

A judge in a rural Kentucky county was fatally shot in his courthouse chambers Thursday, and the local sheriff was charged with murder in the killing, police said. More: Associated Press

Three Mile Island, the site of worst nuclear disaster in the United States, is reopening and will exclusively sell the power to Microsoft as the company searches for energy sources to fuel its AI ambitions. More: CNN