The Epstein War

It’s Wednesday. There are 321 days until the midterm elections. Little Johnson has a tough morning, Trump declares war on Colorado (and Earth) and get ready for the Epstein War.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And the Knicks won someting. All kinds of crazy shit is going down.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so darn great to see you today. Or it would be if our fuckhead president wasn’t about to start another war for oil to distract from his gross pedophile shit. Yeah, asshead is banging on the drums of war because he used to bang on children, and it’s pretty goddamn appalling…

Yikes. This is scary. Especially when you consider this dumb sonofabitch couldn’t even look at a fucking map to see that Venezuela is not, in fact, surrounded by an armada. JFC. But what’s really upsetting is how eager this draft-dodging bitch weasel is to send other kids to fight. That’s why last night we reached out to a very special scumbag and encouraged him to enlist. Here is that (not real) conversation…

Us: Hey buddy!

Barron Trump: Um, hi. Who is this and how did you get my number?

Us: We’re just some concerned citizens who think you should enlist in the army.

BT: But dudes, bone spurs and cowardice run in my family. My weiner went inside me just thinking about it.

Us: That’s ok. Bone spurs were just made up bullshit to get your daddy out of Vietnam.

BT: I’m not sure he’s my dad.

Us: We’re not either, but we heard you like to hang out with rapist scum so we’re starting to see a resemblance.

BT: So why should I go fight?

Us: You shouldn’t. Nobody should. But if your limp-peckered pops is gonna send our men and women to fight and die for oil, we think rich little shits like you should have to go first.

BT: I’m calling my daddy.

Us: Do that. And remind him that in the last month he’s gotten soldiers killed in Syria and D.C. Then remind him he sucks.

Sigh. We don’t think he’s going to sign up. Guess it won’t be the rich kids going to wage Trump’s war. And that’s some classic American bullshit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Anybody need some therapy? Trick question. We all need some therapy. Join us today at 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT where we vent like some total lunatics.

Note three: Great news out of Kentucky, where the blue streak continued. This is obviously not a post about Sam’s beleaguered college basketball team. In a special election for a state Senate seat, Democrat Gary Clemons won 72-25. That’s not a typo. Kamala won the same district by five. Blue wave inbound! More: Yahoo

Note four: Trump and Elon Leon are mass murderers. And they seem to enjoy it. This is a very hard and important read that illustrates the evils of Orange America. More: ProPublica

Note five: We’ve compared this guy to the Keebler Elf before. That’s not fair. We assume the Keebler Elf had balls and a soul.

Note six: The New York Times is reporting that Harvard is investigating the students who recorded Larry Summers giving his embarrassing Epstein statement. Harvard sure knows who to go after, don’t they? More: NY Times

Note seven: Some good and hilarious news as Trump’s favored Paramount is probably not going to be able to merge with Warner Bros. and Trump has turned on the ass-kissing scumbags who bought it. LOL! Now we wait to find out what kind of bribes Netflix handed out. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Hey but at least the right-wing takeover of CBS is going great. Oh wait… More: The Independent

Note nine: Trump is giving an Oval Office address tonight. We’re guessing it will be about how the economy is awesome, the 2020 election was rigged and windmills give whales cancer. Goddamn this is so tiresome. More: The Hill

Note 10: We love y’all so much and we are so sorry to show you this, but we just had to tell you about how Vanity Fair’s real dagger was the photo shoot. Yikes! Leavitt? More like Lip-filler-it, right?

Note 11: The White House and cabinet spent all day yesterday insisting that all of Susie Wiles’s comments were taken out of context. LOL. Sure. More: NBC

Note 12: In the first Trump administration, the travel bans were met with outrage. This time around, there’s so much fucked up shit happening that nobody can keep track. More: AP News

Note 13: We were gonna show y’all the trailer for that bullshit Melania movie, but then we remembered we don’t hate y’all or ourselves. We can’t wait to not watch the shit out of this. More: The Hill

Note 14: Jiffypop Doodielicker (JD) Vance went to Pennsylvania yesterday to blame Biden for the economy. We’re sending thoughts and prayers to the region’s furniture. More: Retuers

Note 15: Good gawd this graph. It’s like the whole goddamn country put its pecker in an electrical socket.

Note 16: We weren’t kidding about the Knicks. Congrats, New York fans. We’re happy for you, but this does feel a little apocalyptic-y. More: ESPN

Note 17: Remember how DHS lied and said the Coast Guard wasn’t going to reclassify swastikas and nooses as “potentially divisive?” Well they went ahead and did it. We found this out while watching clips from Trump’s Hanukkah dinner. You can tell he’s really opposed to antisemitism. Unless it comes from nazis. More: MS Now

Note 18: It’s becoming obvious that Pete Hegseth thinks he can take on Mark Kelly. We assume Hegseth was drunk when he concluded this. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it ain’t that happy. But we saw this beautiful cover and we wanted to share it…

Note 20: And on that tear-jerking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a awesome hump day. Unless you’re a Fortunate Son. Then you can kiss our asses. Love y’all!

LOLOLOLOL

No matter had bad your morning is going, you have to be doing better than Mike Little Johnson. While he was on television lying his ass off about caring about healthcare, his own party was selling him out. Johnson announced yesterday that there would be no vote on healthcare this year even as premiums skyrocket. The Republicans who claim to be moderate went off. Mostly because they know an ass-whooping is coming next November. So this morning, four Republicans joined all Democrats on a discharge petition to force a vote on a three-year extension of Obamacare subsidies. This is great for a few reasons: First, if it passes the Senate and shithead signs it, it will help people. Second, it’s pretty much the end of Little Mikey being Speaker. If his little bitch ass is getting wrecked by his own party like this, then he ain’t much of a speaker. This shit never happened to Nancy.

More: NBC

A Rocky Mountain State

Trump’s latest dumb and illegal crusade is to free Colorado clerk Tina Peters from jail. Peters is one of the moron’s who bought Trump’s lies about a rigged election, and she broke a bunch of laws and abused her position to try and prove it. She’s now in jail, and Trump wants her out. But because she was convicted on state charges, Trump’s pardon is about as useful as his limp little peen. So instead he’s going to hurt the state and the Earth. The National Science Foundation is now planning to close the National Center for Atmospheric Research in the state. It’s hard to articulate just how idiotic and cruel this is. It’s not just climate research that will disappear. But so will research and warnings about fires and other disasters. Man, it’s crazy how much Trump hates Americans.

More: The Hill

Here we go again

Who’s ready for another Iraq? Nobody? Yeah, us neither. But it sure seems like that’s where we’re headed. With the Epstein files set for release on Friday, Trump is desperate to change the subject. So we’re going to war again. But this time, Republicans aren’t even pretending it’s about freedom and shit. No, this time they’re being semi-honest that it’s about oil. Sure, they’ll lie about drugs, but everyone knows now that this is about oil and changing the subject from the president’s evil. Congrats to all the Trump voters on this new war. But hey, at least shit is more expensive and there aren’t as many jobs.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Former special counsel Jack Smith is participating Wednesday in a closed-door deposition before the House Judiciary Committee regarding his prosecutions of Donald Trump. More: CNN

The sudden and severe foreign aid cuts imposed this year by U.S. President Donald Trump, along with funding reductions from other countries, shuttered thousands of the camps’ schools and youth training centers and crippled child protection programs. Beyond unwanted marriages, scores of children as young as 10 were forced into backbreaking manual labor, and girls as young as 12 forced into prostitution. With no safe space to play or learn, children were left to wander the labyrinthine camps, making them increasingly easy targets for kidnappers. And the young and desperate were picked off by traffickers who promised to restore what the children had lost: Hope. More: AP News

Deputy FBI Director Dan Bongino is reportedly already clearing out his office ahead of an imminent departure from the Bureau and a potential return to the MAGA media circuit, the New York Times has reported. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump said on Tuesday that Israeli-American donor Miriam Adelson offered him “another $250 million” to run for a third term in the White House. More: Mediaite

Mike Francesa on Tuesday suggested that one player’s support of President Donald Trump was a source of friction within the New York Mets clubhouse. More: Mediaite