The Epstein President

It’s Monday. 463 days until the midterm elections. Epstein’s buddy wants to arrest all the famous Black people, Republicans have a rough Sunday and Trump cut a deal with a child rapist sex trafficker.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it doesn’t cheat at golf.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so freaking great to be with you today. We sure hope you had an amazing weekend. We’d love to start today with some good news, but alas, it’s not to be. We have some sad news, SPs, so brace yourselves — your president cheats at golf…

Wow! What the fuck?! You think you know a person! How could the guy who cheated on his wives and kids, attacked the U.S. Capitol after attempting a coup, killed Herman Cain, told more than 30,000 lies during his first term and is presently lying about crimes committed by famous Black people do something like this? We’re starting to think his lying bitch ass didn’t even win all those golf tournaments or the 2020 election. And we’re really starting to think he was up to something with his best friend Jeffrey Epstein.

We know this is disillusioning, but try to keep your heads up. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that the president of the United States is a lying, cheating, shit-for-brains fuckhead, but now we have proof. Guess we’ll have to just keep calling that orange ass out. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: When he wasn’t playing golf on our dime this weekend, Trump was demanding a thank you from the folks in Gaza who are currently living in hell on earth. We’re sure they’ll get right on that. What a clueless fucking asshole. More: Independent

Note three: Public opinion is shifting rapidly against what Israel is doing to Gaza. How do we know? Trump spent this morning promising to get “strong food” to the area. And we know he doesn’t give a damn if people live or die. More: The Guardian

Note four: Trump is also slowly realizing that Putin owns his orange ass. He announced this morning that he is changing the deadline for Russia from 50 days to “10 or 12 days.” We’re sure Putin is very worried about this. More: CNBC

Note five: A fucking miracle happened this week. Trump’s lies about Obama are so fucking egregious that even Meet the Press called them out. We had no idea Welker was even capable of this.

Note six: Great news, everybody! We’re all gonna be paying more for shit that comes from Europe because our president is a moron who doesn’t know how tariffs work. Feels good, don’t it? More: CNN

Note seven: Oh and that great deal with Japan? Japan says it’s total bullshit. And here we were believing every word that comes out of this White House. More: Yahoo Finance

Note eight: It is crazy fucking hot out there, so please be careful. Make sure you hydrate and cuss out people who are still lying about climate change. More: NBC News

Note nine: Is anyone else sick and tired of having an idiot president who keeps talking about fucking windmills? This shit is embarrassing! More: The Guardian

Note 10: Here’s Jake “Worse than Watergate” Tapper tangling with a guy named Markwayne over whether Obama freed Epstein. The clip is even dumber than that sentence.

Note 11: There was a mass stabbing at a Michigan Walmart. We were gonna say this is a very American story, but there’s no AR-15 involved so we’re just sad and confused. More: NBC News

Note 12: Something weird happened. We found ourselves laughing at Jay Leno. And not because he’s funny. But because he’s siding with Trump over Colbert. So fuck Jay Leno. More: The Independent

Note 13: Beyonce teamed up with Destiny’s Child for a reunion this weekend in Las Vegas. We almost saved this for the Happy Ending, but we just couldn’t wait. If you were there, don’t tell us because we’ll get jealous and hate you. More: Deadline

Note 14: You know that freak in Oklahoma who wants Trump bibles in all the classroom? Well he got busted watching porn at work. Shocking, right? More: KOCO

Note 15: He’s looking good, ain’t he? Even his fucking hair is trying to get away from him.

Note 16: It seems bad to us that Trump’s bootlick at the FCC wants to install government monitors who will decide if the media is being too mean to Trump. Thank goodness the free speech people are running shit. More: Mother Jones

Note 17: The scum nut doesn’t fall far from the scum tree. Lauren Boebert’s son was charged with child abuse. We’re so glad she’s around to tell us all how to raise our kids. More: The Independent

Note 18: Taylor Swift recorded new music! See? It ain’t all bad news today. More: Yahoo

Note 19: And for today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to North Carolina. We got our Senate candidate, and Republicans are going to be shitting bricks. Let’s go!!!

Note 20: And on that welcome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great week. We know it’s not easy learning that your piece of shit president cheats at golf, but try to keep your heads up. It’ll be ok. Love y’all!

Sensing a pattern?
Al Sharpton. Beyonce. Kamala Harris. Oprah. These are some of the people Trump spent the weekend threatening. If you can’t figure out what they all have in common, then you must work for the New York Times. Yeah, as Trump flails over Epstein, he has decided that DOJ should take a look at famous Black Americans over crimes he has literally made up out of thin air. We knew Trump was guilty of some icky Epstein shit. But this kind of stuff makes us think he is SUPER DUPER guilty. More: Deadline

Bloody Sunday
The Sunday news shows have become a joke where Republican politicians venture outside of the Fox News bubble to spread their lies while mainstream hosts nod and offer only nominal pushback. But yesterday was a little different. From Welker to Tapper, the Sunday news show hosts almost acted like actual journalists covering a fascist sex creep. They don’t even seem to be buying Trump’s lies about Obama. We doubt this will last, and Trump’s FCC will probably shut down NBC. But it sure is nice to see some reality breaking through, and it’s even nicer seeing Republicans sweat about all the fucked up shit they’re doing. More: The Guardian

Gonna do what?!
This morning, Trump again refused to rule out a pardon for convicted child sex trafficker and rapist Ghislaine Maxwell. For reasons we don’t understand, the White House press is asking this question in a way that Trump can respond like it would be no biggie if he pardoned someone who is pure fucking evil. Our request to the press is quite simple — pretend Obama or Biden was talking about doing something like this. How would you cover it then? Because even for Trump, this is some heinous shit. His DOJ has already given her limited immunity to talk about Epstein’s clients. So we’re sure the rapist and trafficker is being super honest about what happened. More: Mediaite, ABC News

Today’s clips
Paul Dans, the architect of Project 2025, is launching a Senate bid in South Carolina to oust Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C. More: NBC News

Three Venezuelan men told NBC News they experienced physical and psychological torture, including one man’s allegation that he was sexually assaulted, after the Trump administration sent them to a notorious prison in El Salvador. More: NBC News

Sen. Mark Kelly (D-Ariz.) gave a fleeting answer when asked if he’s planning to run for president in the 2028 election. More: HuffPost

Rapper and star Trump voter Azealia Banks defended President Donald Trump over hypothetical accusations of underage sex in a stunning social media post that was live for more than 24 hours before she deleted it. More: Mediaite

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