The (Dumb) Drums of War

It’s Thursday. There are 257 days until the midterm elections. Ted Lieu gets real, Trump’s goons go after the View and at least some countries are taking this Epstein stuff seriously.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s totally fucking obsessed with curling.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it sure looks like America is about to engage in our modern tradition of starting stupid, unnecessary wars in the Middle East. And this one doesn’t even seem to be about oil. No, it’s about a creepy rich scumbag pedophile ring. We miss when it was about oil. But yeah, there were multiple reports starting yesterday that Trump is probably going to attack Iran this weekend. And if we know about it, then Iran probably does too. So it’s already going great.

Sigh. We’re really fucking doing this again?! Ok. Fine. We’re in. Let’s go to war with Iran. And that’s not all. We’ve changed our minds after all these years and decided to go MAGA. Yep. We are totally big time Trump fans with red hats and small dicks and everything. We drink liberal tears and piss ivermectin, and we have no goddamn idea whether it’s your or you’re. What could cause this sudden and idiotic transformation? Well, there’s a simple answer to that – We believe that Trump is a super tough badass brawler and not at all just a spoiled, big-mouth chickenshit.

And as such, we think he should go fight Iran all by himself.

Who’s with us, MAGA people? Shouldn’t our Greatest President Ever go fight Iran single-handedly? Obama didn’t do that. We know from Butler and the craziest fucking preachers in the country that Orange Daddy was chosen by God to lead us all to Heaven or some shit. So this mission should be a cakewalk for him. Stand down, American soldiers. Trump has got this. Good luck, sir. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: COME BACK! WE WERE JUST JOKING! WE STILL REALLY, REALLY HATE THAT MOTHERFUCKER! Also, we did a therapy session yesterday. If you missed it, you can catch up here.

Note three: Y’all, we’re really gonna need Texas Democrats to stop killing each other and make sure Ken Paxton never steps foot in the United States Senate. Fight hard, but fight clean. Same team. More: HuffPost

Note four: Some Trump nepo trash wants to test our Olympic athletes for patriotism. Yeah, and we want to test Trump cabinet officials for gonorrhea and crack, but we don’t always get what we want. More: Independent

Note five: It’s a strange thing to wake up and instantly be jealous of England and South Korea. Someone tell John Roberts he can kiss our asses and then fuck all the way off.

Note six: As Aaron Rupar noted, the White House press did not ask a single question about Epstein at the White House press briefing yesterday. So Americans need to start asking why the fuck the Fourth Estate is covering this gross crap up. More: NO LINK

Note seven: Mark Zuckerberg had a bad day yesterday. And that makes us very happy. Because fuck that dork. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Les Wexner, who financed Epstein, said he was totally “conned” by the super creep and didn’t know anything. We don’t believe him. More: NBC News

Note nine: We know your healthcare costs and the price of coffee have skyrocketed, but at least our cheating, dog-killing DHS secretary is getting a fancy new plane. More: NBC News

Note 10: We’ve always known that Trump is crazier than a shithouse rat. And now he’s losing the shithouse rat.

Note 11: Speaking of shithouse rats, one of them is now leading the CDC. So please don’t get sick. More: NBC News

Note 12: It’s endlessly shocking to us that Trump doesn’t get more questions about the fact that he is obviously trying to help Russia defeat Ukraine. It’s a massive American scandal, and our media just don’t really seem to give a shit. More: HuffPost

Note 13: This made us spit out some coffee when we saw it.

Note 14: The State of the Union is next week. A lot of folks from our side are going to boycott. We’re hoping some people will still show up though and heckle the shit out of that asshole. More: NBC News

Note 15: LOLOL!!! Some folks in Colorado are pushing for bluer maps. We love this. You shouldn’t have pissed us off, Texas! More: NBC News

Note 16: This might get us into UFC fighting. We kinda want to watch the Trumpy dude get his ass whooped. More: HuffPost

Note 17: This seems bad. Is this bad? We even bailed them out. TWICE! And they still couldn’t survive Trump’s dumbshit policies.

Note 18: Trump is heading to Marjorie Taylor Greene’s district today, presumably to shit all over her. So it’s probably gonna be another two weeks before we get that healthcare plan. More: WSBTV

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you U2. The band is dropping new music, including a tribute to Renee Good. The artists are in the fight. More: NBC News

Note 20: And on that very welcome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. We also hope you kept reading after that opening note joke, but we understand if that one was unforgivable. Love y’all!

Thank you!
If y’all have been reading us for a while, then you know we are always pushing our own party to take the gloves off, speak plainly and hit as hard as you can. Today we want to praise Rep. Ted Lieu for doing just that. Our mainstream media are doing everything they can to downplay the Epstein scandal, and people like Ted Lieu are forcing them to reckon with it. This is what we need, and we are grateful…

Carr crash
The FCC chairman is really feeling himself. After fucking with Colbert again, Brendan Carr went on Fox News to accuse Colbert of a hoax and then confirming that the FCC would have, in fact, punished CBS if they had aired the Talarico interview. Carr also told Fox that he is investigating The View. The show seems to have anticipated this and responded by putting an ultra-Trump piece of shit whose parents were pardoned on the panel. That seems like more obeying in advance to us, and The View can eat shit. We still love Whoopi. And fuck Brendan Carr. More: Variety

Why can’t this be us?
Welp, at least some countries are taking this gross Epstein shit seriously. While we were sleeping, Not Prince Andrew was arrested in England. His brother, King Charles, said he won’t interfere. And so yeah, thanks to John Roberts we have more of a lawless king than fucking England does. That said, we are enormously gratified to see this development. Reading the comments from Virginia Giuffre’s family this morning reminded us that there are women and families going through hell to get justice. At least in England they have a shot at it. Eat shit, Andy! More: Associated Press, HuffPost

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is gathering Thursday with representatives from more than two dozen countries that have joined his Board of Peace — and several that have opted not to — for an inaugural meeting that will focus on reconstruction and building an international stabilization force for a war-battered Gaza, where a shaky ceasefire deal persists. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump can’t seem to stop talking about Maryland Gov. Wes Moore. More: Associated Press

MILAN — A day after dropping one of the most dominant gold-medal winning performances in Olympic slalom history, American star Mikaela Shiffrin dropped an F-bomb while describing the victory — an on-air slip she joked may have been influenced by the espresso martini she drank in her post-race celebration. More: NBC News

U.S. immigration authorities deported a 2-month-old baby with bronchitis to Mexico along with his family, a U.S. representative from Texas said. More: NBC News

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt’s bold claim regarding President Donald Trump’s social media posts is raising new questions about a racist video featured on his account earlier this month. More: HuffPost