The Dirty Thirties

It’s Monday. There are 197 days until the midterm elections. Kooky Kash crashes out, some tech nerds want to be our overlords and about that war that ended Friday.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And we caught it taking bong hits at like 6 a.m.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Happy 4/20 to all of our stoner friends! Thank goodness weed went legal (in a lot of states) just before the whole world went to shit. It really helps the apocalypse go down smoothly. We think Trump should start smoking up. It could only make him more coherent and less of an asshole. And then maybe shit like this wouldn’t keep happening to him…

Yessssssss!!!!! We don’t know who you are, anonymous double-middle-finger stranger, but we freaking love you! Leaning all the way out of the car window is some dedication, and we are standing up and applauding. And this no-name hero was clearly speaking for most Americans and the world. Yesterday, NBC came out with a new poll showing Trump’s approval rating at 37 percent. OUCH! Yeah, he’s at 37/63 with 50 percent “strongly” disapproving. This is one of several recent polls that show him in the 30s. That’s George W. Bush territory. In other words, he’s a radioactive loser asshole who America hates less than two years into his term. Great work, dumbshit.

It sucks that our mainstream media continue to treat this flailing asshole like he’s some kind of invincible god, but the rest of us know the truth — Trump sucks, his numbers suck and he’s only getting suckier. The people still kissing his ass must have some kind of fetish because the rest of us are sick of this stupid shit. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News

Note two: Btw, look at the approval numbers on Iran. Only a fucking idiot would go on television and defend this albatross of a war. More: KXAN

Note three: Oof. This video of an Israeli soldier wrecking a statue of Jesus ain’t gonna help with that country’s freefalling approval numbers. If they lose the evangelicals, they will have lost just about everyone. More: NBC News

Note four: Trump wants to give himself the Medal of Honor. That’s funny because we were about to give him the Medal of Eat Shit and Fuck Off. More: HuffPost

Note five: Sign us up for the O and Zo Show! This was freaking adorable. And we really like the way it made people on twitter lose their goddamn minds.

Note six: Trump spent the weekend trying to bribe little biatch Joe Rogan back by making LSD easier to get. Only these assholes could ruin acid for us. More: Axios

Note seven: If you’re worried about Trump’s stupid attempts to undo the Russiagate investigation or the 2020 election results, just look at the loser hog anus he put in charge. You’ll feel a lot better. More: NBC News

Note eight: Some of these primaries are getting intense! Looking at you, Michigan! Let’s just remember to get on the same team before November. More: Michigan Public

Note nine: Maine is pretty wild too. And while we think Janet Mills seems like a nice person, stories like this make clear why she’s losing. More: NBC News

Note 10: In this embarrassing clip, you can hear Jake Tapper make clear that he holds grad students to the same standards he holds the president of the United States. If you’re gonna have Elise on, she should really be the only one who poops the bed.

Note 11: Virginia, we need you to come through. President Obama needs you to come through. Republicans are pulling out all the stops to defeat this. Let’s make them eat it. More: The Hill

Note 12: Even Marjorie Taylor Greene is starting to call bullshit on whatever happened at Butler. We don’t really do conspiracy theories, but we also ain’t never seen a motherfucker’s ear grow back. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Did y’all see the skydiver with the American flag who had to be rescued after getting stuck on a scoreboard? If you’re looking for a giant metaphor that is also pretty hilarious, then read this story. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Because it’s America there was a mass shooting in Louisiana this weekend that left eight children dead. We’re sure Mike Little Johson will hurry back to DC to do nothing about it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Y’all, there are not many people doing this better than Jon Ossoff right now. If dude wins reelection, he jumps to the top of our 2028 leaderboard.

Note 16: LOL! Yesterday Trump’s energy secretary went on the Sunday shows and said gas might stay above $3 a gallon until next year. Trump went to The Hill to lie to them and throw his guy under the bus. More: The Hill

Note 17: Caitlyn Jenner is having a rough time. And while she can kiss our asses for being the worst, we actually hate that she is having to deal with this cruel shit. Maybe next time she shouldn’t vote for it. More: New Republic

Note 18: We probably all need to learn the name Amanda Ungaro. Thanks to the Miami Herald for helping us do so. More: Miami Herald, MSN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are STILL talking Artemis. It’s not that we’re jealous they got to leave this planet, it’s just that this shit is so freaking cool!!!

Note 20: And on that jaw-dropping note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and gave the president of the United States double middle-fingers. Is this a great country or what? Love y’all!

Kooky Kash
The Atlantic dropped a bombshell story over the weekend that alleges Kash Patel has been getting super drunk. Apparently it’s so bad that they have even had to use door-breaching tools to get to his passed out ass. Kash spent the weekend angrily lashing out and promising to sue the magazine today. We’ll see. (UPDATE: Kash filed a $250 million lawsuit this morning. He will lose.) The Atlantic is standing by its story, and we doubt Kash wants to do discovery. But also, the weird little shit’s eyes were bloodshot red yesterday on Fox News and he looked like he just got out of bed. So yeah, we believe the Atlantic. More: The Atlantic, The Hill

Fuck off, geek
Over the weekend, Palantir dropped its manifesto. Why is a tech company issuing a manifesto? Well that’s a great fucking question. Apparently these drugged out little nerds think they are in charge of America now. They even want to bring back the draft (which branch did Alex Karp serve in?). We fucking dare these little weasels to try and force this shit on America. The 2028 Democratic nominee has to be someone willing to give these dorks a great big wedgie. Fuck Palantir. More: Independent, Yahoo

War and Peace (and War)
Hey so remember on Friday when Trump’s stupid war in Iran was over and everyone was moving on? Well that turned out to be bullshit. Yeah, we’re shocked too. The U.S. Navy fired on an Iranian tanker this weekend after Iran again closed the Strait of Hormuz. Negotiators (Trump’s son-in-law) are supposedly meeting to negotiate today, but it’s unclear if Iran is even going to show up. Meanwhile the price of oil continued to rise. President Dumbfuck finally stuck his little pecker in a hornets’ nest that he can’t just walk away from. More: The Guardian, PBS

Today’s clips
TOKYO, April 20 (Reuters) - A magnitude 7.7 earthquake struck off the northeastern coast ofJapan on Monday, prompting authorities to urge residents to stay away from coastal areas where tsunami waves of up to 3 meters (10 ft) were expected. More: HuffPost

Businesses that paid tariffs later ruled illegal by the U.S. Supreme Court will be able to start claiming refunds starting Monday.

As of 8 a.m., refund requests can be submitted through the U.S. Customs and Border Protection by any entity that officially paid the tariffs imposed under President Donald Trump’s International Emergency Economic Powers Act. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Monday took up its latest case asserting religious rights claims, agreeing to hear arguments that Colorado should exempt Catholic entities from a nondiscrimination provision in its state-funded preschool program.

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/supreme-court-takes-catholic-objection-colorados-preschool-program-rcna331596

STANLEY, N.M. — More than two decades after she was sexually abused at Jeffrey Epstein’s New Mexico ranch, Rachel Benavidez is still waiting for someone to be held responsible for crimes there. More: NBC News

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said in a video address released Sunday that Canada’s strong economic ties to the United States were once a strength but are now a weakness that must be corrected. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — Book bans and attempted bans remain at record highs, according to the American Library Association. And efforts to have titles removed have never been more coordinated or politicized. More: Associated Press

PARIS (AP) — Elon Musk has been summoned to Paris on Monday, where investigators are looking into allegations of misconduct related to the social media platform X, including the spread of child sexual abuse material and deepfake content. More: Associated Press

SOFIA, Bulgaria (AP) — The center-left coalition of ex-president Rumen Radev has emerged as the clear winner of Bulgaria’s parliamentary election, the country’s central electoral commission said Monday, ending half a decade of political fragmentation. More: Associated Press