The cowardly press corps

It’s Thursday. There are 537 days until the midterm elections. Trump hunts Putin’s enemies, Republicans come for the abortion pill and it’s crap on the constitution day at SCOTUS.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s still not nearly as offensive as CNN.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! How’s it going? What should we talk about today? The weather? The NBA play-offs? Circus animals? The state of jazz guitar? Whatever the fuck that smell is coming from Sam’s car? Or how about we talk nonstop about Joe Biden being old? Wait. Now that we think about it, we think it would be pretty fucking stupid to spend time on all of that shit when there’s a cruel and dim-witted madman selling our country to everyone with a goddamn nickel.

Yeah, we don’t know about y’all, but we’re seriously about to flip the eff out over the beltway media’s laser-like focus on Biden, who by the way AIN’T THE FUCKING PRESIDENT NO MORE! You know who is the president right now? The big orange motherfucker who just accepted a $400 million fucking jet from a Middle Eastern country while decorating his office in gold and taking away healthcare from millions of Americans! Maybe we should be talking about that! Or is it just easier to attack Biden because he won’t send an angry mob after you? Or are Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson just that desperate to impress the Jan. 6 scum?

Ugh. The day is just getting started and we’ve already gone hoarse with indignant rage. We apologize for skipping the funny in today’s opening note, but this is just nuts. We’re gonna go out in the woods and do some martial arts dancing like an angsty teen in an 80s movie. Then we’re gonna throw our fucking TVs out the window and eat some nails. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Big news yesterday as the brain worm guy said nobody should take medical advice from him. We couldn’t agree more, but maybe he shouldn’t have a job that involves giving medical advice. What the hell are we doing here? More: CBS News

Note three: Wal-mart just announced it’s raising prices because of Trump’s tariffs. We just hope this won’t hurt Trump’s Oval Office gold collection. More: CNN

Note four: Don Jr. is big mad at Business Insider for comparing his grifts to Hunter Biden. The whole Trump syndicate is even threatening the paper’s parent company. They sure do care about free speech, don’t they? More: Status News

Note five: Well this is upsetting. Welcome to North Korea, everybody! You’re gonna hate it here!

Note six: Dick’s Sporting Goods is buying Foot Locker. We’re not just sharing this so we can say Dick’s. We will never forget how the sporting goods company took tons of shit for the right for deciding to stop selling assault weapons. We’ve been fans ever since. So go Dick’s! More: CNN

Note seven: Putin is a pussy. That’s why he’s skipping the peace talks in Turkey. Of course, Trump couldn’t be bothered to show up either. More: CNBC

Note eight: Drug overdoses dropped sharply last year. What a great stat for a president whose son struggled with addiction. (We’re talking about Biden; not the asshole.) More: The Hill

Note nine: You know those white South Africans Trump just flew to the U.S.? Well one of them is an antisemite. Yeah, we’re starting to think the Charlottesville guy who dines with Holocaust deniers doesn’t actually give a shit about antisemitism. More: Mailchimp Newsletter

Note 10: Wanna see RFK poop himself a little?

Note 11: For all you fellow Star Wars nerds out there, how freaking amazing was Andor?! It feels more like watching a documentary than fiction! We won’t link to anything so we don’t spoil it, but damn what a show.

Note 12: We totally forgot to tell you that Marjorie Taylor Greene isn’t going to run for the Senate. She must’ve accidentally found out that everyone outside her district thinks she’s moronic garbage. To drive that point home, she’s now calling for George Floyd’s murderer to be pardoned. More: 11ALIVE, USA Today

Note 13: So how much is Trump’s birthday parade gonna cost? Reuters is estimating $25 million to $45 million. But we can’t afford healthcare for poor people. What a fucked up country. More: Reuters

Note 14: Sen. Mike Lee wants to ban porn. According to the rules of GOP extremism, this must mean he is a total porn junkie whose hard drive is a horrifying mess. Nobody shake this man’s hand!!! More: Yahoo

Note 15: Bennie Thompson made us spit out our coffee yesterday.

Note 16: We don’t know about y’all, but we are SO freaking excited for the new Superman. We’re just desperate for some truth, justice and the American way. More: AVClub

Note 17: HuffPost asked the Trump White House why they’re hiding transcripts of Trump’s speeches, and the White House cussed them out. That dude who looks like a shriveled testicle seems like a real jerk. More: HuffPost

Note 18: You won’t be shocked to learn that our esteemed Attorney General sold more than a million bucks worth of stock in Trump Media the day before the Liberation Day disaster. We’re starting to think the corrupt woman who took bribes from Trump and Qatar is corrupt. More: ProPublica

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the Boss. Bruce Springsteen kicked off his new tour this week with some choice words for President Fuckhead. It’s our favorite track since I’m On Fire.

Note 20: And on that rockin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a wonderful week. Remember to breathe that fresh air while Trump and his stank are out of the country. Love y’all!

Free her now!
So even for Trump this is pretty fucked up. He and his scummy team are charging a Harvard scientist with felonies, accusing her of trying to smuggle frog embryos into the country and threatening to deport her. Oh and by the way she’s from Russia and has been critical of the invasion of Ukraine. So Trump and his team have gone out of their way to hunt down, charge and likely deport a Putin critic. How long until she’s spending the rest of her life in a Russian labor camp? Or worse? Maybe Jake Tapper can stop fucking with Joe Biden long enough to give this some attention. More: HuffPost

Like we said
Republicans are using a bullshit study to try and say the abortion pill is unsafe and get it outlawed. Ya know, just like we all warned would happen. Pants-pisser Josh Hawley and the brainworm disphit are doing everything they can to get the pill pulled from shelves. So if this is something you use or might use, this is the time to stock up. It’s an effective and safe medication, so expect RFK to come for it. And Hawley can go fuck himself. More: The Guardian

Scary at SCOTUS
While we were writing this morning, our broken and corrupt Supreme Court was hearing arguments and trying to decide whether to put Trump above the constitution. Again. Yeah, Trump’s attack on birthright citizenship was in front of the court today, so of course Trump sent a long and unhinged social media post that includes an all-caps “BABIES OF SLAVES” and calling the United States “stupid.” It’s pretty obvious that birthright citizenship is constitutional because it’s right there in the fucking constitution. Unfortunately, we’re not sure how many justices have a copy of it. More: Associated Press, The Guardian

Today’s clips
A Wisconsin judge pleaded not guilty Thursday to charges that she helped a man who is in the country illegally evade U.S. immigration authorities looking to arrest him in her courtroom. More: HuffPost

Joe Rogan argued against banning Kanye West’s new song “Heil Hitler” and admitted the shocking song is “kinda catchy.” More: Mediaite

The Supreme Court on Thursday allowed the mother of a Black man killed following a routine traffic stop in Houston to pursue an excessive force claim against the police officer who shot him. More: NBC News

More than 1,000 Starbucks baristas at 75 U.S. stores have gone on strike since Sunday to protest a new company dress code, a union representing the coffee giant’s workers said Wednesday. More: The Hill