The COVID Crew🤮

It’s Wednesday. There are 524 days until the midterm elections. Pardons for sale, covid has friends in high places and Putin’s pal spills the beans.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But not when Elon’s spaceships blow up. That shit is just funny.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we’ve never gotten all that excited about the whole British royalty stuff. We always figured that our ancestors fought a war so we wouldn’t have to spend time pondering such silly shit. And yet yesterday we found ourselves cheering for a king. We’re obviously not talking about the orange shitstain currently stanking up the White House bathrooms. No, we’re talking about the actual King of England…

Oh damn. Our fake king just got slammed by an actual king. And it gets better. We got our hands on the parts of the speech he gave after the cameras were turned off and it’s a doozy…

It reminds us the True North is indeed strong and free. [Long applause break] And I dare a dumb orange motherfucker to try and come take it. Seriously. Bring it, bitch. Who the hell does that assheaded moron think he is? Well he can kiss my royal giblets. I can’t believe I had to drag my ass all the way across the goddamn ocean just to tell that fucking idiot that he can’t have y’all. I might do the same for Greenland just for the hell of it. I can’t stand the thought of those poor blokes being treated like crap or Californians. I mean Trump was always a weird prick, but he’s clearly lost his shit. Also, have y’all noticed his wife isn’t around much anymore? Yeah, that’s probably why he’s trying to fuck the rest of us. Christ what an asshole. Anyway, great to see you, Canada. Elbows up and fuck Trump.

Whoa. Kang Chuck ain’t messing around! But we couldn’t have said it better ourselves. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: PROGRAMING ALERT 📢 — We had so much fun doing our inaugural live chat together last week that we’re doing it again TODAY!!! 4 PM ET/1 PM PT: Watch live here

Note three: While we’re talking Canada, yesterday Trump lied and said Canada was mulling over his over to become a state so they can enjoy the protections of the idiotic golden dome. Canada declined. And that’s really bad news for Trump because he needs them for that stupid dome to work. What a fucking idiot. More: Politico, The Hill

Note four: As we mentioned in the Be Advised, Elon Leon Melvin had another spaceship blow up last night. Yeah it exploded worse than his relationship with his kids. (Alternative joke: When can we get one of those brain chips implanted?) More: People

Note five: And while we’re talking Elon Leon Melvin, even he thinks Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill is absolute bullshit. And he’s a weirdo moron!

Note six: Well this is fucking hilarious. Apparently Wall Street traders have a new term for appraising Trump — TACO. It stands for Trump Always Chickens Out. Ouch. More: The Hill

Note seven: This is the opposite of hilarious. Trump has escalated his attacks on universities and international students. People come from all over because our schools are the envy of the world. Only the dumbest, most vindictive shit-for-brains would wreck that. More: The Guardian

Note eight: We’re not gonna link to it, but Politico spent the morning praising Trump — and trashing Biden — because Trump talks to the press all the time. It’s refreshing that they’re admitting they don’t give a fuck about you or your family and instead only care about their own access and ambitions.

Note nine: This is sooooo goddamn funny. There has been a lot of chatter that Trump is going after Harvard because Barron didn’t get in. Well Melania couldn’t take the embarrassment of that rumor so she had her office say that he never applied to the school. So yeah he definitely got rejected lol. We don’t care. Do u? More: The Independent

Note 10: Want to know why we’ve been so hard on Joke Tapper? Well here he is on Piers Morgan saying Biden’s health was worse than Watergate. Everybody done taking this asshole seriously now? Ok good.

Note 11: One of our favorite stories the last few years is when Ukraine attacks Russia in Russia. It’s so bold and so badass and it’s nice Putin gets a little taste of his own medicine. Sure makes us wish our president had the balls to take on Russia like this. More: ABC News

Note 12: Justa Damnracistpieceofshit (JD) Vance says that colleges discriminate against white people and Asians and couch-fuckers. Ok so we added that last one. More: Yahoo

Note 13: It’s bad for business and the economy that Trump keeps shitting all over the economy. But at least his cabinet members are getting richer! More: Pro Publica

Note 14: Starting today, Southwest Airlines will be charging for bags. Thanks, Trump. More: The Hill

Note 15: We’ve been pretty mad at Alabama for electing this asshead over Doug Jones, but nobody deserves to have someone this stupid as a governor. Nobody.

Note 16: The outgoing Capitol Police chief is calling out Trump for pardoning the scum who attacked his officers and our capital. What would it take to get Tapper to give a shit about these cops? More: CBS News

Note 17: RIP to Rick Derringer. Rock and Roll Hootchie Koo is an all-timer. Makes us want to rewatch Dazed and Confused. More: Variety

Note 18: We almost forgot that Trump is going to get to pick more Aileen Cannon-style corrupt dumbshit judges. HuffPo found one that wants to bring back literacy tests to vote. Fine with us as long as Trump goes first. More: Huff Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending we take you to Vegas, where a nazi got a lesson in how real punks roll. As the Dead Kennedys said, Nazi Punks Fuck Off!

Note 20: And on that cathartic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Or at least we hope you’re not getting punked by Putin and the King of England at the same time. That would be really fucking embarrassing! Love y’all!

Pardons for sale
Trump is determined to squeeze every last penny he can out of the Oval Office, and apparently includes selling pardons. Yeah, Trump pardoned a tax cheat who stole $10 million from his nursing home employees and bought a yacht with the money. But the asshole’s mom gave Trump $1 million and suddenly the asshole is a free man. Yeah, this kind of thing used to be a pretty huge fucking scandal. And it gets worse. Trump also pardoned some fellow reality TV hosts yesterday because they don’t “look like terrorists.” And because their daughter kissed his ass at the Republican convention. Sounds worse than Watergate. More: CNBC, New York Times

The covid crew
Are we still supposed to be capitalizing or all-caps-ing covid? We should probably find out since it’s about to have another big moment. Yesterday RFK Jr. and his gang of dumbfuck quacks announced that they’re no longer recommending covid vaccines for pregnant women and healthy children. The brain worm butthead also said the federal government would stop publishing in respected medical journals because they’re corrupt. So when RFK said anyone who wants a vaccine will be able to get one, he was lying. How many dead kids is it gonna take to satisfy this freak’s bloodlust? More: Associated Press

Oops
So we have all known for about a decade now that Vlad Putin owns Trump lock, stock and barrel. But yesterday Trump seemed to confess as much. In a post on Truth Social, Trump explained that if it wasn’t for him, really “BAD” things would be happening to Putin. So let us do what the press won’t and ask the very obvious question here — WHY THE FUCK IS HE PROTECTING PUTIN?! Whether it’s the pee tape or all the election help, Trump is indebted to Putin, and the most pathetic press corps in history is too busy attacking Joe Biden to give a shit. More: The Guardian, The Hill

Today’s clips
Fox News host and former Republican National Committee chair Lara Trump indicated she is not totally buying regret expressed by CNN anchor Jake Tapper over how he handled an interview he conducted with her last fall, during which he dismissed concerns about former President Biden’s mental acuity. More: The Hill

A Delta flight erupted into chaos on Saturday when two pigeons were discovered in the plane's main cabin, video of the pandemonium shows. More: NBC News

Hamas Gaza chief Mohammed Sinwar, the younger brother of the group's deceased leader Yahya Sinwar, has been killed, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told lawmakers Wednesday. More: NBC News

South African President Cyril Ramaphosa on Tuesday recalled his recent, chaotic sit-down with Donald Trump in the Oval Office, making light of an extraordinary moment in which the U.S. president promoted baseless conspiracy theories about his country’s treatment of white farmers. More: HuffPost

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