The Couch Boy Cometh

Happy Friday. There are 431 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s classless attack on Kamala, the confederacy rises at the Pentagon and RIP to the CDC.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s better than using livestock medicine like some goddamn idiot.

Note: Holy hell, Sexy Patriots! We swear this week lasted a month. Thank dog it’s finally over. Of course in Trumpland, the week never ends. We always have to be on guard. We always have to be watching our backs. You know, like a couch in the vice president’s residency. But we’re starting to think it ain’t just couches that dude is trying to fuck. We bet Trump is starting to think that too…

Uh-oh. You see that, Cankles?! VP Sofa Screwer is coming for your job! And y’all thought we were rooting for The Bruise! LOL! Looks like someone is about to take his next vacation to Siberia. Also, fuck you to USA Today for being to chickenshit to point out this bitch’s eight vacations in 200 days. You think they would have ignored that if VP Harris had done it? Hell no. But the dude with his little weiner in the furniture is living it up on our dime and getting away with it. Total bullshit. We were furious when we saw it. But probably not as furious as Trump.

Yeah, President Cankles McEpstein was already having to watch his back with the gang of thugs and morons he assembled to run the country. Now that he knows that JD is on the prowl and he’s just an orange couch, shit could get real interesting real fast. Couch Boy is coming for you, Trumpy. Let’s all hope these degenerate shitheads make each other as miserable as they’re making us. And then let’s hope they eat shit and fuck all the way off. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re doing a therapy session today, and goddamn could we use it. You can find us live here on substack at 3:30 PM ET/12:30 PM PT.

Note three: Trump is building a $1.2 billion concentration camp in the Texas desert and we don’t know shit about it. It’s probably fine though. The press should probably just keep asking about Taylor Swift. More: Associated Press

Note four: You know how decent people were horrified when Grok started praising Hitler? Well the White House wasn’t. And they ordered federal workers to use it more. We’re starting to notice a pattern. More: Wired

Note five: Colorado Gov. Jared Polis is a major disappointment, and he can go fuck himself. Right after he takes all the horse medicine.

Note six: Mother Jones has a great story about the miserable tiny-peckered peckerhead who is fucking with Lisa Cook and some of Trump’s other political enemies. Seems like the kind of thing the mainstream media should be doing. More: Mother Jones

Note seven: Speaking of Cook, she’s getting a hearing this morning. America needs her to win. Even if we’re too goddamn dumb to know it. More: NBC News

Note eight: The White House is BIG mad about this Politico story that points out what an unqualified fucking moron Trump’s Russia negotiator is. Couchfuck even wrote a really long tweet about it. So you know it’s accurate. More: Politico

Note nine: If you had any doubts about whether Bibi is just a less-orange Trump, this should put them to rest. Also, fuck Bibi. More: Mediaite

Note 10: We don’t know how she does it, but thank goodness for Jessica Tarlov. It must be exhausting trying to educate these butt-licking dumbshits. More: Twitter

Note 11: Don’t you love living in a country where numbers are only real if Dear Leader says they are? This is as embarrassing as it is infuriating. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Wow. The president of Portugal says that Trump is a Russian asset. He’s right of course. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Remember how we had a whole fucking election about high prices? Well they’re about to get a lot higher. More: NBC News

Note 14: Need a laugh? The only thing they can pin on Sandwich Guy is a misdemeanor. Jeanine Pirro is a loser. More: NBC News

Note 15: We would really like to join these folks in hating on Jeff Bezos. But we’re mostly putting this here to show everyone how fucking awesome D.C. is.

Note 16: We are damn grateful for Neil Young. He is too good for this world. More: HuffPost

Note 17: A lot of countries have stopped shipping to the U.S. Ya know, because we’re so respected around the world again. More: NBC News

Note 18: You ever look at a poll and see a small percentage of Democrats who approve of Republicans and wonder what the fuck is going on? Well this new poll has zero percent of Democrats approving of the country’s direction and that feels real to us. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have to give credit to CNBC’s Carl Quintanilla for this delightful find that put a smile on our face.

Note 20: And on that dancing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. Unless you’re our couch-fucking vice president. In that case we hope Trump makes you pick up trash all weekend and then eat it. Love y’all!

What an asshole
Some damn infuriating news this morning as President Fuckhead has stripped Secret Service protection from Kamala Harris. Biden had extended Harris’s protection because she ran for president and she’s a Black woman in a country that hates Black women. Trump is pulling this crap right before Harris goes on a 16-city book tour. This is an exceptionally shitty and petty move, and we sure hope the next Democratic president remembers it and acts accordingly. Oh and hey, maybe our chickenshit press corps could note how much this president clearly hates Black women. More: NBC News

The losers win
While Trump moves ahead with his plans to cleanse the nation’s museums of the truth about slavery and American racism, he’s also working overtime to honor the confederacy. SecDef Pete Hegseth has ordered a painting of Robert E. Lee — complete with slave — to be put back up in the Pentagon. None of this shit is subtle. You don’t fire all the Black people and then kiss confederate ass unless you’re a racist piece of human garbage. America is so goddamn gross right now. More: Mediaite

CDCrap
You know how we were all worried when an ex-junkie with a brain worm was put in charge of our health? Well we were right to be concerned. After the White House fired THEIR OWN PICK TO LEAD THE AGENCY, they are replacing her with another anti-vaxx lunatic who has zero medical experience. If you want to know just how big of a freakshow this dude is, just watch the clip. The White House has tried to make this more anti-trans bullshit, but we all know the truth. And it’s scary as hell. Get your vaccines while you can, y’all.

https://www.cnn.com/2025/08/28/health/acting-cdc-director-hhs

Today’s clips
Florida could be on the hook for $218 million the state spent to convert a remote training airport in the Everglades into an immigration detention center dubbed " Alligator Alcatraz." More: NBC News

Two top Justice Department officials are expected to testify before the House Judiciary Committee in the coming weeks amid fallout over the administration’s handling of the Jeffrey Epstein case, according to two people granted anonymity to share scheduling information not yet public. More: Politico

Attorneys for Kilmar Abrego Garcia are asking a federal judge to issue a gag order against Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and Attorney General Pam Bondi, to bar them from making “baseless public attacks” against the Salvadorian national who was wrongfully deported to El Salvador earlier this year. More: The Hill

Former President Barack Obama pushed his concerns about “dangerous trends” in President Donald Trump’s “militarization” of law enforcement and endorsed a New York Times interview with journalist Radley Balko, who warned the president is trying to build a “paramilitary force” loyal only to him. More: Mediaite

Political journalist Olivia Nuzzi is reportedly eyeing a return to the field after a sexting scandal involving Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ended her job and her relationship last year. More: People