The Cankles Shake

It’s Tuesday. There are 385 days until the midterm elections. Airports say no thanks to Noem, the Pentagon goes to war with the press and about that ceasefire.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we can tell Alex Jones to fuck off.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! You’re looking extra Sexy and Patriotic today. We wish we could say the same for the president, but that man looks more and more like 15 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. But we’ll get to his ghastly physical appearance in a minute. For now we want to talk about his idiotic handshakes and simply ask what the fuck is wrong with this moron?

Christ that’s embarrassing. At one point it looks like a goddamn handjob. There ain’t enough purell in the world to get the gross off your hands after something like that. But it gets worse. We obtained a transcript of the two men talking during their hand-hump…

Macron: Your hands are sweaty and smell like hamburger meat.

Trump: Did you know windmills cause cancer?

Macron: What? That’s stupid. Ok that’s enough now let go.

Trump: My wife talks to Putin!

Macron: Seriously man this is getting weird and you smell horrible. Let go of my hand!

Trump: Did you know windmills cause cancer?

Macron: Uh-oh. Oh man we’re fucked.

Trump: I like holding hands! It keeps windmill cancer away!

Well at least Trump didn’t say anything about the place where the naked ladies dance. Or at least not in this exchange. Sigh. Isn’t it great that the whole world can see what a weird idiot our president is? Fuck. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Speaking of weird idiots, our corrupt and broken SCOTUS actually did something decent today and told Alex Jones to eat shit. We assume he already does that. More: NBC

Note three: Mike Little Johnson says “we’re barreling toward one of the longest shutdowns in American history.” Well then maybe you should call your members back to work so they can negotiate. Or just keep lying and kissing orange ass. We’re good either way. More: HuffPost

Note four: Part of the negotiations should be that Trump is never allowed to talk about Karoline Leavitt’s lips again. Because it’s really grossing us the eff out. More: Mediaite

Note five: We said it yesterday and we’ll keep saying it — they are so fucking scared of us. Who’s ready to march and show these assholes what real patriotism looks like?

Note six: Yesterday North Carolina Republicans announced they are going to rig their maps at Trump’s request to try and keep the American people from taking power from Republicans next year. We’re gonna need Maryland and Illinois to get in on this. More: News Observer

Note seven: And Real President Barack Obama is all-in on helping us keep the maps fair. If you live in California. VOTE YES on Prop. 50! More: AP News

Note eight: Y’all have no idea how much it’s killing us to save the Time Trump cover for the Happy Ending.

Note nine: Hannity bitch Stephen A. Smith thinks he gets to tell a Black woman how to talk. Well, Stephen, Jasmine Crockett doesn’t need help from some ass-kissing ho. But thanks anyways. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Tish James is ready for a fight, and we are so damn proud to have her back. Let’s go.

Note 11: Janet Mills is officially in the race to take down Susan Collins. Get ready for an expensive and divisive primary. Sigh. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The miserable piece of shit who tried to kill Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro and his family pled guilty. We hope he rots. More: ABC7 New York

Note 13: Our national anthem got booed in Australia. So yeah, we’re totally respected around the world again. More: HuffPost

Note 14: We are all very, very confused by Marjorie Taylor Greene. But that’s always been true. More: Mediaite

Note 15: Every damn day we fall in love with Portland more and more.

Note 16: Man, this is fucked up. When Texas National Guard troops showed up in Chicago, the internet was circulating a picture of them and making fun of them for being large. So of course Pete Hegseth got involved and yanked those troops. Sign up to defend your country and get body-shamed by SecDef! More: The Independent

Note 17: President Zelensky is heading back to the White House on Friday. Prepare for major embarrassment as Americans. More: NBC

Note 18: RIP to Miss Major Griffin-Gracy, a legendary trans activist who has been fighting since Stonewall. Guess it’s up to us to keep her fight going. More: Advocate

Note 19: Ok finally! For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the cover of Time magazine. The mag is now owned by a Trump kiss-ass so they gave him a cover celebrating the ceasefire in Gaza. And Trump is not happy about it. Why? Well because it prominently displays his Vagineck and makes clear his hair is hanging on by a thread. It’s maybe the worst picture we’ve ever seen of him and that’s really saying something. Thank you, Time, for this hilarity.

Note 20: And on that vaginal neck note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if not, just be glad you didn’t have to touch Trump. Love y’all!

No to Noem

Kristi Noem, known for killing puppies, is trying to force some bullshit propaganda down the throats of the American flying public. And some airports are saying no. Noem cut a video blaming the shutdown and any subsequent delays on Democrats for airports to play. But at least five airports have told her to fuck off because the video is clearly political and potentially illegal. Aren’t you glad airports are following the law more closely than the DHS secretary? Yeah, us neither.

More: CNN

Pete vs. the press

Passed Out Pete is very worried the press at the Pentagon will report something that he was going to drunkenly leak on Signal, so he’s trying to force a bunch of new rules on them. The deadline for news organizations to sign an agreement on the new coverage rules is today at 5 p.m. Eastern, but everyone except for the taint-licking scum at OAN has already told Pete to piss off. Even Fox News and Newsmax said no, so that should tell you just how messed up this shit is.

More: AP News

Um…

We were really hoping for peace and we’re damn glad the surviving hostages are out, but Trump ain’t even done with his victory lap and IDF forces have already killed more Palestinians. Yeah, IDF forces said the five Palestinians they killed in Gaza City were approaching IDF forces. Goddamnit. We don’t mean to be cynics, but y’all Biden had a ceasefire too. Fuck!

More: ABC

Today’s clips

General Motors’ third-quarter results next week will include a $1.6 billion impact from its all-electric vehicle plans not playing out as anticipated. More: CNBC

Former Los Angeles schools Superintendent Austin Beutner announced he’s running for mayor, challenging Karen Bass in her re-election bid. More: NBC

NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Monday that it will cut around 550 jobs — around 10% of its staff. More: NBC

Indonesian President Prabowo Subianto was caught on a hot mic asking President Donald Trump for a meeting with his son, Eric Trump, the executive vice president of the Trump Organization. More: Mediaite

For nearly three decades, the small town of Mansfield was represented in Louisiana’s congressional delegation by white Republicans, even though its population is about 80% Black and leans heavily Democratic. More: AP News