The Butt-Whoopin’ of the Century

Today’s Big Stuff. September 11, 2024.

It’s Wednesday. There are 55 days until the general election. Missouri offers a surprising win,  MVP says let’s play two and a HUGE endorsement Trump won’t shake off. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it doesn’t give two shits what Viktor Oban thinks about anything.

Note: LOLOL!!! Well, Sexy Patriots, our wish came true. Did y’all have fun last night? If you said yes, then you’re definitely not a Trump supporter. And that’s good because we’d be like hey how the hell did you get in here and why is your hand in your pants? But the rest of us sure had a grand goddamn time last night watching our champion, Vice President Kamala Harris, absolutely fucking dog-walk a certain orange asshole straight to the curb for trash day. And it was glorious. 

Y’all. That crazy dumb sonofabitch was screaming about people eating dogs. People eating dogs. We had to pick our jaws up off the floor to use them to laugh at his sorry deranged ass. Like, we knew that dude was unhinged, but holy shit someone put that asshole somewhere he can’t hurt himself. Surely they don’t let his crazy ass use forks and knives. We almost felt sorry for him. Actually, no we didn’t. Because fuck him and the pain he has brought on this nation. Every second of his misery felt like a dream. Every single time she called him a “disgrace” or said Putin would “eat you for lunch” or just laughed at his bullshit, we were made whole. 

So a sincere and hearty thank you to Vice President Kamala Harris, who took all the pressure of all of our hopes and fears and stood toe-to-toe with that sick bullying piece of shit and stared him down. We asked a lot of her, and she gave us that and so much more. We needed someone to stand up to our bully. Kamala Harris did just that. 

Now let’s finish that sad twisted motherfucker, make some history and save this country’s hot ass once again. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We don’t normally do two videos right out of the gate but we want to make sure y’all saw (and share) the Vice President’s answer on abortion. All of this needed to be said, and we are dang grateful to the VP for saying it. 

Note three: Y’all noticed that orange asshole refused to say if he wanted Ukraine to win, right? Because Putin sure as shit did. More: Semafor

Note four: Also, when asked if he has a healthcare plan AFTER NINE FUCKING YEARS, he said he has “concepts of a plan.” That’s a real quote. So yeah, no plan yet. More: The Hill

Note five: How hilarious was it when Trump was trying to squirm away from his national abortion ban by blaming it on Jellybean Dingleberry (JD) Vance? More: The Daily Beast

Note six: She went right at him with the handshake, and it was over for him before it even started. Bet that sonofabitch knows her name now. 

Note seven: Lindsey Graham was in the spin room after the debate and told the Bulwark’s Tim Miller the debate was a “disaster.” And that dude knows disaster. Mostly because he is one. SAW IT ON TWITTER!

Note eight: It is killing us to wait until the news section to talk about that HUGE endorsement. Freaking killing us. 

Note nine: Congratulations to Sarah McBride, who won the Democratic primary in Delaware’s at-large district last night putting her on a path to become the first transgender member of Congress. History! More: NBC News

Note 10: This is a fun story about Dougie Emhoff and Gavin Newsom hitting up a record store in Philly yesterday. We’re just cooler than Republicans. More: Salon

Note 11: Oh and btw, here’s a real news story about that town in Ohio that Trump was screaming like a lunatic about. It turns out he’s full of shit. And deranged. But you already knew that.

Note 12: We’re still waiting to see if Republicans are going to shut down the government on Trump’s behalf. As people who want Democrats to win Congress, we say go ahead and make our day. Go ahead and walk the plank for that fucking idiot everyone saw last night. We dare you. More: Axios

Note 13: Congratulations to the University of South Carolina women’s basketball team (and the UCONN men’s team) on their visits to the White House yesterday. We’re big fans of Coach Dawn Staley and love seeing her at 1600 Pennsylvania. Sam’s Kentucky fandom won’t allow him to say anything nice about UCONN. “I think it’s fair to say everyone, everyone watches women’s sports now,” Biden said. “When new fans watch for the first time, when young girls see their idols, they see the power of your example.” More: ABC News

Note 14: There was a moment last night when MVP was giving him what-for and we swear she started to call him a fucking idiot and she caught herself and said “former president” instead. Are we crazy or did y’all catch that too? 

Note 15: This is the kind of fucking bullshit our candidate has to deal with. Don’t whine to us about rigged debates.

Note 16: Ok we’re not gonna talk about the BIG endorsement yet, but we are gonna say Elon Musk is one weird creepy dude who should probably have a blanket restraining order from all women. More: Yahoo News

Note 17: More great news this morning as we learned that inflation is continuing to cool, as price hikes slowed at the lowest rate since February 2021. Now cut the damn interest rates! More: CNBC

Note 18: This morning at a remembrance ceremony for 9/11 in New York City, Biden, Harris, Vance and Trump were all there. Which is pretty incredible because we saw Trump get destroyed last night. Still, it’s nice they all came together for this solemn occasion. More: The Hill

Note 19: And because it is 9/11, we just want to make today’s Happy Ending a reminder to hug your people and tell them you love them. Life is short, and you never know when you leave the house in the morning if it’ll be the last time. 

Note 20: And on that surprisingly serious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are in as good of a mood as we are this morning. Watching that pathetic old loser get his ass whooped really has us in a dancing mood. Love y’all! 

Show-Me Shocked
Well we’ll be damned. We’ve been sharing reports with y’all this week about how Missouri Republicans were pulling some dirty tricks to keep an abortion amendment off the ballot this November. Well yesterday the state Supreme Court shocked the shit out of all of us and said that the amendment will be on the ballot. So the Show Me State is going to be voting on abortion rights this November. But we all are. More: Missouri Independent

Run it back!
So how good was Kamala Harris feeling when she walked off stage last night? Her campaign immediately said let’s do that shit again. It was a total power move. While Trump was in the spin room making up poll numbers, Harris was challenging him to go again. There’s plenty of bullshit advice coming from all corners these days, but our candidate has got this. Of course the other side doesn’t feel the same way. Trump went on Fox and Friends this morning to have one of his therapy sessions and said he doesn’t think he wants to do another debate. Yeah, we wouldn’t either if we’d just gotten our asses whooped in front of the whole world. More: The Hill

HOLY FREAKING CRAP
It happened! It happened! Just when we didn’t think we could get any happier than we already were last night, Taylor freaking Swift went on Instagram and endorsed the Harris-Walz ticket. She also called out Trump’s super creepy AI stunt from a couple weeks ago, and then she signed it “A Childless Cat Lady.” That shit has got to hurt if you're Janky Dingus (JD) Vance. Or it would if he wasn’t so damn weird. Trump was big mad about this endorsement this morning, telling Fox he prefers “Mrs. Mahomes” and saying Tay Tay “will probably pay a price for it in the marketplace.” LOL!!!! WHAT?! Sure, champ. Thank you so much to the great, amazing and talented Taylor Swift for her total and complete endorsement. Let’s finish this!!!!!!!!! More: NBC News

Today’s clips
A Colorado mother is spending weekends in jail after she refused to comply with a court’s order for two of her sons to attend therapy sessions with their father, a former police officer who has been charged with sexually and physically abusing some of their six children. More: Huff Post

Many students in Georgia’s Barrow County headed back to class Tuesday, six days after a shooting killed two teachers and two students at the school district’s Apalachee High School northeast of Atlanta. More: NBC News

Former first lady Melania Trump has begun inching more back into the political spotlight on the final few months of the 2024 presidential campaign with a series of politically pointed social media videos. More: CNN