‘The Best Poll Numbers I Ever Had’

It’s Tuesday. There are 455 days until the midterm elections. BS Bondi goes after Obama and Hillary, MTG tries to spring Santos and the president’s cognitive decline.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It can’t help itself.

Note: Greetings, Sexy Patriots. Welcome to today’s newsletter. Today we are going to talk about a crucial part of this experience that we rarely discuss — all the fucking profanity. As you know from the advisory, this newsletter uses a lot of cussing. Excuse us — a shitload of cussing. For more than six years we have published this newsletter with endless f-bombs for all who deserve them. We also spread a rumor that Sam Alito has sex with dead goats. And for six years, we’ve been told we should drop the potty mouth so this newsletter would appeal to a larger group of people.

We get it. A politics newsletter that jokes about Sen. Mike Lee being born with rat genitals on his forehead obviously isn’t gonna be for everybody. Only the cool people. We’re kidding. We’re sorry that a lot of folks are turned off by our dirty words, but cussing the sonsofbitches to hell and back makes us feel a little better. And frankly we don’t know how else to describe what we’re seeing on a daily basis. Seriously, just look at this shit…

Nukes on the moon, y’all. What the effing fudge are we supposed to say? That we’re all screwed to heck? Well that’s true. But we’re also totally fucked, and it feels important to say it plain in a time when words and truth are losing all meaning. So our apologies to those who aren’t down with the cussing. We hate to lose you, squares. But this keeps us from losing our fucking minds, and that’s important too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s a Tuesday, so people are voting. If they’re voting where you live, please join them and don’t vote for any assholes. More: Bolts Mag

Note three: It’s hard to believe, but we have some good news today. A bunch of big time D.C. lawyers are mounting up to take on Trump. Considering the rest of Big Law is acting like spineless chickenshit, this is a very welcome story. More: CNN

Note four: Texas Democrats did their thing and kept Republicans from ramming through redistricting yesterday. Unfortunately, Republicans now want to arrest them. It’s mostly just tough talk, but it’s also a sign of just how royally fucked up Texas is. More: CNN

Note five: We are enormously grateful to Democratic governors like Kathy Hochul and Gavin Newsom, who are making clear they will fight back on this front. And when you have a dumbshit president who goes on tv and says things like this, you really need people who are ready to go to war.

Note six: Remember when Republicans pretended to believe in free markets? Well Trump is now going to force banks to do business with nazis and Jan. 6 scum. Yay free markets! More: CNBC

Note seven: A lot of the Ivies have done shameful shit to try and appease Trump. Brown might be the worst. Shame on them. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Thank you to the Epstein victims who are speaking out about Trump’s sweetheart treatment of Ghislaine Maxwell. It’s tragic that the American news media doesn’t give a shit. More: NBC

Note nine: Brazil is saying fuck you to Trump, and we love it. The country’s Supreme Court just ordered Jair Bolsonaro held on house arrest. We’re so stinking jealous. More: AP News

Note 10: Nebraska Congressman Mike Flood had a town hall last night. It didn’t go great for him. But at least we have a new ringtone.

Note 11: Apparently DOJ is thinking about releasing the tapes from the Maxwell interviews. We can’t way to see how they were edited or what she said to earn herself a transfer to Club Fed. More: CNN

Note 12: More good news! It sure looks like Sherrod Brown is gonna run for Senate again. This is an uphill battle because Ohio, but we’re grateful to a good man for taking this on. More: Axios

Note 13: This isn’t about politics, but Sam saw the new Naked Gun this weekend and it was freaking hilarious.

Note 14: More on the Epstein front this morning as House Oversight issues subpoenas for the Epstein files. Between this and the DOJ stuff, it sure seems like the conspirators got their stories straight and are ready to start spreading some lies. More: CNN

Note 15: Here’s another clip from Flood’s town hall. We have a new hero.

Note 16: One of our favorite stories this year is how L.A. fought back against Trump’s invasion to the point that he retreated like the little bitch that he is. More: The Guardian

Note 17: Y’all already know this, but we freaking love Elizabeth Warren. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We’re putting confederate statutes back up apparently. Guess we’ll just have to tear them down again. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to show you this touching video of a pro hockey player who went to Sandy Hook Elementary returning with the Stanley Cup. We weren’t expecting to cry over this, but here we are.

Note 20: And here’s a bonus Happy Ending about dogs surfing because we love dogs and surfing. More: NPR

Note 21: And on that adorable note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start. And if you’re having a rough time, just remember that you’re not some fucking idiot who wants to put nukes on the moon. Love y’all!

We fucking dare them

Trump is really, really guilty of some gross Epstein shit. How do we know? Because of how hard he’s going after Obama and Hillary. Yesterday Pam Bondi announced that she’ll be taking Tulski Gabbard’s bullshit to a grand jury. Trumpland is damn desperate to distract from the Epstein stuff, so they’re going hard after the idea that the Russian collusion investigation was a set-up. But here’s the thing — it wasn’t. And Trump even admits these days he was chatting with Putin about the whole thing while he was being investigated. This is un-American and awful. But also, we fucking dare Trump to arrest Obama and Hillary. Talk about something that would get people off the sidelines and in the streets. Go ahead, cankles. Show the world what you really are.

More: NBC

Crime spree

George Santos just got to prison and Republicans are already trying to get him out. Marjorie Taylor Greene sent a letter to Trump yesterday asking him to commute Santos’s sentence. Yes, that is insanely fucked up. But we suspect it’s part of a larger plan. We’re expecting a Friday night news dump where Trump announces pardons for Ghislaine Maxwell, Santos and Diddy. Why? Because he really wants to pardon Maxwell and the other two will give him some cover. We’re starting to think that the party led by the Jan. 6 asshole is just a bunch of fucking criminals.

More: Axios

Cognitive decline

We know Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson don’t give a shit, but Trump is clearly off his rocker. This morning, he called in to CNBC where he shot off some new racism and said he’s “entitled” to more congressional seats in Texas. But what really blew us away was hearing him talk about his poll numbers. Every single reputable poll has Trump’s numbers in the goddamn cellar, but he’s claiming to be in the 70s. Can you imagine if Obama or Biden had offered up this delusional bullshit?! Trump is massively unpopular, and that’s why he’s trying to cheat in next year’s midterms. What’s scarier? That he’s too insane to know that or that he knows it and thinks we’re dumb enough to believe him?

More: Mediaite

Today’s clips

New photos from late billionaire Jeffrey Epstein’s Manhattan home were revealed on Tuesday, including a lengthy note from controversial filmmaker Woody Allen. More: Mediaite

Secretary of State Marco Rubio is now as unpopular as Elon Musk, according to a new Gallup poll showing a sharp decline in favorability for key Trumpworld figures as Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) soars alongside Pope Leo XIV as most popular newsmakers. More: Mediaite

Donald Trump and Wall Street Journal owner Rupert Murdoch on Monday struck a deal related to the president’s lawsuit against the paper over its publication of a story detailing a “bawdy” birthday message Trump allegedly wrote to sex offender Jeffrey Epstein in 2003. More: HuffPost

Ofir Braslavski watched as his emaciated son, Rom, writhed in anguish on a dirty mattress somewhere inside the Gaza Strip, in video footage released by Palestinian militants in recent days showing the agony of Israeli hostages. More: AP News

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to push to "occupy all of the Gaza Strip" as ceasefire talks with Hamas founder and the hunger crisis in the besieged Palestinian enclave spirals. More: NBC

The Kremlin has urged caution in nuclear rhetoric, responding for the first time to US President Donald Trump's announcement that the US is repositioning nuclear submarines. More: Sky News