The Alligator A-hole

It’s Tuesday. There are 490 days until the midterm elections. Trump and Elon are mass murderers, America the deportation nation and Republicans are about to eff a lot of people.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it doesn’t feed people to alligators like some psycho dumbass.

Note: Sexy Patriots! For years, we have occasionally begun this newsletter by telling you that you smell terrific. We thought it was a funny joke, inspired in part by Ace Ventura and in part by this being a newsletter that couldn’t possibly smell you no matter how much it might want to. But today, SPs, we can say confidently that you smell terrific. And that confidence comes from knowing that you’re not wearing this putrid shit…

JFC. So are we fucking great again or what? Respected around the world and all that jazz? Because it looks like our whole goddamn nation has become the tacky background of some classless asshole’s infomercial. Having said that, we are going to buy so much of this nasty shit. Not because we want to wear it and destroy the nostrils of our friends and families and random passers-by, but because it has so many other uses! For example…

• Trump Cologne might smell like orangutan ass juice but it tastes great and if you drink enough of it, you will start to believe that orange is a perfectly normal face color!

• Trump Perfume is for the woman who’s heading to a PTA meeting to try and get a book about gay people banned. It’s so toxic it guarantees Don Jr. levels of stupid in your offspring. The fumes will literally make their tiny brains melt until it looks like they’re trying to eat their own face.

• Speaking of eating your own face, Trump Perfume is also great for pouring in your eyes before you have to have your contractually-mandated annual eight seconds of sex with your orange pile of husband. When you have to blind/poison yourself before doing the Donald, Trump Perfume is the way to go.

• Trump Cologne is also great for pouring into a large bucket and then sticking your head into to scream at the top of your lungs about the national humiliation that is this cheap, slimy, grotesque conman bullshit.

• And lastly, both Trump-brand scents are the perfect accelerator for when you’re rich, stupid and careless and want to light a match and watch America burn like a fucking tire fire.

Obviously we’re kidding. We’d sooner roll around in hog shit than even stand next to someone wearing this garbage. That’s why we like standing next to you. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump is heading to “Alligator Alcatraz” today, where he will show off Florida’s newest concentration camp and brag about what a cruel and fucked up people we are. The alligator asshole is making us great again! More: NPR

Note three: A couple of pieces of good-ish news from overnight — the part that would have prevented states from regulating AI for a decade is toast, and Rick Scott’s plan to further gut Obamacare looks dead too. Keep calling! More: AP News

Note four: So we get that there are Democrats who have concerns with Zohran Mamdani. We disagree, but we get it. But now that Fox News and White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt are openly musing about deporting him, let’s get on the same page and stand up to fascist scum. More: HuffPost

Note five: Trump is also talking about deporting Elon Leon and taking all his shit. While we might really, really enjoy watching this happen, we have to remind ourselves that it’s pretty fucking evil for a president to punish people by stripping their citizenship.

Note six: Yeah, the Trump vs. Elon Leon battle is getting heated again, and Elon Leon is now promising to fund the campaign of any Republican who votes against it. You can guess how Trump took that in the middle of the night. More: Axios

Note seven: This really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but Sam saw the new F1 movie this weekend and it is freaking awesome. If you need a distraction from all the stupid chaos, this is a good one.

Note eight: There’s a lot of crazy shit in this big fugly bill, but it is just wild to us that it actually adds a tax for wind and solar. It’s just waving a white flag and telling China to own the clean energy future. It would cement our place as the dumb country. More: CNBC

Note nine: You already knew this, but that couch-fucking guy is a total psycho. More: MSNBC

Note 10: It seems bad to us that we’re up against soulless nazis who don’t give a fuck about people dying. We probably shouldn’t give this asshole more money than we give the Marines.

Note 11: We know it really sucks butt to be an American right now, so we’re wondering what y’all are doing for the Fourth of July. We’re thinking of taking the day off to sit in a dark room and cry, but we’re open to other ideas.

Note 12: We got a sorta, kinda victory yesterday when Trump dropped his bullshit lawsuit against Iowa pollster Ann Selzer. It’s only sorta, kinda because he re-filed the suit in state court. More: The Independent

Note 13: The fucking sharpie is back. Sigh. Someone should ask Trump why he needs Powell to bail him out if his policies are so damn smart. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Exciting news yesterday as the WNBA announced it is expanding! It’s been so cool to watch the rest of the country discover how much fun this game is. More: WNBA

Note 15: It’s hard to describe how much we hate John Fettermanchin. His lurch-looking ass had the nerve to complain yesterday that Democrats are delaying the big, fugly bill and keeping him from the beach. Uncle Fester can resign any fucking time he wants. Or he can wait until we beat his lazy ass in a primary. What a goddamn disgrace.

Note 16: We generally try to avoid conspiracy theories, but where the effing hell are the Epstein files? What’s Trump hiding? Oh right. More: AP News

Note 17: Trump take hamburgers. This is the kind of thing that’s a really big fucking deal when a Democrat is president. Damn liberal media.

Note 18: We hadn’t mentioned that Don Bacon is retiring, which gives us an opportunity to pick up a seat in Nebraska. But it might become way more relevant sooner if, as Joe Katz points out, he decides he can’t support the Senate version of the big, fugly bill (if it passes the Senate). More: AP News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to our neighbors up North. Happy Canada Day! We’re sorry we’re being such shitty neighbors. We’ll try to keep it down.

Note 20: And on that Great White Note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there while a bunch of rich assholes plot to make your life harder. Don’t we live in a cool and fun and not-at-all stupid country? Love y’all!

Mass murderers

So right now everyone is getting their popcorn and watching Trump and Elon Leon fight over this piece of shit bill. Well not everyone. The people Trump and Elon killed and will kill by destroying USAID aren’t watching. Because they’re dead. Because Trump and Elon killed them. And the horrifying truth is the death is just starting. A new study by the Lancet, an actual reputable medical journal, says that Elon and Trump’s evil will kill 14 million people over the next five years. That’s more than twice the number of people who were killed in the Holocaust. Today is USAID’s last day. Obama and Bush put out statements, but we have no idea why they waited until the doors were shutting. This is a new stain on the American soul. We have a lot of them these days.

More: NBC

Deportation nation

Trump’s corrupt DOJ has decided to start stripping people of their citizenship. It’s just as fucked up as it sounds. Trump, whose kids were born to immigrants, has decided he’s going to denaturalize the citizenships of people he doesn’t like, effectively erasing what it means to be an American citizen and further embracing the same evil strategy the nazi used. So we will vote for any Democrat who promises to denaturalize Melania, her parents, her son and her friends.

More: The Guardian

They fucked us

It took them three days of no sleep, but Senate Republicans finally came together to hurt America’s poor people to give rich scumbags another tax break and turn ICE into a military branch. Details were still unclear while we were writing, but it appeared that Lisa Murkowski folded again and gave Trump everything he wanted despite her bullshit claims about being a moderate who didn’t vote for him. This is going to close hospitals and nursing homes, and Americans will die. But at least Jeff Bezos gets to have more money. It’s not a done deal yet. We’re still waiting on the final vote and then the House will have to approve it too. So please keep working the phones even if this awful shit seems inevitable.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

The top military commander in charge of troops deployed to Los Angeles to respond to protests against immigration raids has asked Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth if 200 of those forces could be returned to wildfire fighting duty, two U.S. officials told The Associated Press on Monday. More: HuffPost

Former Rep. Colin Allred, D-Texas, announced Tuesday that he's running for the Senate next year, eying the seat Republican John Cornyn has held for more than two decades. More: NBC

President Donald Trump on Tuesday suggested that the concept of “Alligator Alcatraz” is that escaped detainees will be eaten by the local wildlife. More: Mediaite

The father of one of the four University of Idaho students brutally stabbed to death in 2022 believes the state has "failed" amid the bombshell news that the suspect, Bryan Kohberger, appears set to accept a guilty plea deal and evade the death penalty. More: NBC