The $2 Billion President

It’s Wednesday. There are 125 days until the midterm elections. Some shockers in Colorado, it’s time to reform the Court and the president of the United States made $2 billion dollars last year from s

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never lined its pockets while fucking up the economy.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, things sure are bleak as we limp into our nation’s 250th birthday. The bribe-taker-in-chief is off on a joy ride on his new bribe plane, the Strait of Hormuz is barely open and the guy who fucks couches keeps trying to explain Catholicism to the Pope. It’s a real goddamn mess. That’s why today we’re starting with some good news. And that good news is that there are heroes among us. They sell pickles.

That’s how you do it, pickle people! Only a handful of states agreed to go to Trump’s embarrassing fair. North Carolina was one of those states and one of their dirtbag idiots showed up with a Confederate flag. Because of course that’s how a moron celebrates the birth of a country they tried to secede from. But the pickle folks were having none of it. They said no siree bob, we are good pickle people and not racist pickle people and we will not peddle our pickles where some prejudiced peckerheads persist. And so they packed up their pickles and peeled out.

We wish all Americans would channel the spirit of the pickle people. It is, after all, the spirit that has made this country great-ish. But it’s also a reminder that while there are lots and lots of horrible anus-mouthed shitheads ruining everything, there are also courageous, righteous and wonderful Americans who are taking a stand. Thank you, pickle people. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had some much-needed therapy yesterday where we discussed what Adam did to piss off some bees. If you missed it, you can get caught up here.

Note three: The lead singer of the Village People died. We don’t really give a shit, but Trump is gonna be devastated. Unless he killed the guy, which is always a possibility with him. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump and his party are going to have a convention for the midterms in September. We think this is a great idea, and every single vulnerable Republican should absolutely fly to Texas and get on stage with the fucking asshole with a 33 percent approval rating. That’ll sure show us. More: NBC News

Note five: We were gonna make calling out this out-of-touch piece of shit our opening note, but we figured y’all didn’t deserve to start a newsletter that angry. Can we just run this as an ad? And can this guy shove a lobster tail up his corrupt ass?

Note six: We’d like to take a second to send a message to all the trans kids out there — we’re sorry cruel adults are using your existence as political ammunition. You don’t deserve this. Nobody does. We love you, we see you and we’ve got your backs. More: The Guardian

Note seven: This sucks. Actor Danny Glover has Alzheimer’s. Not only is Glover a brilliant actor and the star of some of our favorites, but he’s long been a champion of human rights. We’re sending love. Mel Gibson, on the other hand, can eat shit. More: NBC News

Note eight: The only jobs available in Trump’s America are gonna be for genital and pregnancy inspectors. And Stephen Miller’s creepy ass is gonna sign up for both. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump is off on his bribe plane today. For some reason, this is being treated as normal. IT IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL. More: AP

Note 10: Big congrats to our neighbors to the South on their big World Cup win last night. We freaking love this picture…

Note 11: Trump and Pete Hegseth murdered more than a hundred little kids, and they are lying to the American people about it. We are grateful to the handful of journalists who refuse to let this go. More: AP

Note 12: The pickle people are good. But the egg people suck. In fact, they suck eggs. More: AP

Note 13: NPR had a rough day yesterday. They reported that Alito is retiring. Then they retracted it. We’re guessing he still leaves, and we will never have to retract our report that he is a fucking asshole. More: NPR

Note 14: Mike Little Johnson sent Congress home again. Shouldn’t these able-bodied adults be at work? More: Politico

Note 15: We can’t believe this guy is who Joy Behar wants to run for president.

Note 16: The Maine Senate race is gonna be a rock fight, but Susan Collins is leading, according to Fox. (Note within a note: Fox sucks but their polling unit is pretty good which is why Trump hates them.) And if you’re that person who emails to tell us to stay out of Maine politics, we will happily do so just as soon as they stop sending us texts asking for money. More: Fox News

Note 17: The University of Tennessee fired a professor for saying true things about Charlie Kirk. Now they’re gonna pay her $1.9 million. And they desperately need that money for their football program. More: Knox News

Note 18: Paula Reid is leaving CNN because she doesn’t want to work for right-wing trash. Meanwhile, Tapper flew out to L.A. to kiss their asses. More: Deadline

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re staying in L.A. Over the weekend, an American icon turned 100, and we just wanted to say a belated Happy Birthday!

Note 20: And on that joyous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And if you’re in need of some pickles, we know just the place. Love y’all!

No One is Safe

The Democratic base has had enough, and literally no incumbent is safe. Last night in Colorado, 30-year Congresswoman Diana DeGette lost to 30-year-old Democratic Socialist Melat Kiros. And that wasn’t all. United States Sen. Michael Benet (who you might remember introduced his good buddy Neil Gorsuch at his confirmation hearings) lost the gubernatorial primary to state AG Phil Weiser. We have frankly never seen so much anger in our party directed at establishment Democrats. But we don’t think anyone can or should say they didn’t see it coming. For us, this isn’t so much about ideology as it is a willingness to fight. And right now, the fighters are winning. We want to thank Rep. DeGette for her years of service.

More: NBC News

We’re Gonna Need a Bigger SCOTUS

So yesterday the Supreme Court reminded us all what a disaster it is. Not only did they fuck over trans kids and greenlight more money in politics, but they also narrowly avoided directly overturning the U.S. Constitution and give Trump the ability to deport millions of American citizens. The birthright citizenship vote should have been 9-0. It was 5-4. And it came a day after Clarence Thomas was seen on Capitol Hill schmoozing with Mike Little Johnson. This is all so corrupt and so fucked up. So when we see Democrats like Schumer and Jacky Rosen praising the court for doing the bare fucking minimum, we blow our stacks. If you are a Democrat who wants to win an election, you better have a goddamn plan to reform this court. Otherwise, don’t bother.

More: USA Today, MS Now

Corruption

Donald Trump is the most corrupt president in American history. And honestly, that’s not really debatable. Trump filed his financial disclosure form yesterday and he had a very good year while he was telling the rest of us we needed to sacrifice for his tariffs and wars. Trump made $1.4 billion on crypto last year, all while setting crypto policy and inviting investors to the White House. He also listed $80 million settlements from cowardly companies like ABC. But he said he was going to give it to charity, so that’s fine. Trump was asked about his profiting this morning, while his sons and his bribe plane were behind him, and he said it’s no big deal because everyone is profiting. If America is ok with this level of corruption, then it’s already over.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — Rep. Tom Kean, R-N.J., made his return to the Capitol on Tuesday, saying he was treated for depression during a nearly four-month disappearance from the public eye. More: NBC News

The lines are growing at Russian gas stations -- and so is the frustration and uncertainty as several months of Ukrainian attacks have set oil refineries ablaze and choked supplies for motorists across the vast country. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A polarizing Harvard astronomer known for splashy theories about alien visits has been tapped by the White House to lead a team of outside scientists to study the national security risks posed by UFOs. More: AP

DETROIT (AP) — Nature’s oven was on high Tuesday for millions of people in the Midwest and Great Lakes states as intense heat and humidity baked the regions with no immediate relief before the misery shifts to the eastern U.S. More: AP

DETROIT (AP) — The Motown Museum in Detroit has been resonating with a different signature sound — the rumble of trucks, the buzz of drills and the pounding of metal — as one of the most significant sites in American musical history undergoes a $75 million donor-driven face-lift ahead of its 2027 grand reopening. More: AP

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — The U.S. men’s national team’s ambitions of a deep run at the FIFA World Cup hang on something they have not accomplished since 2021: Beat a team from Europe. More: NPR