Thanks, Coach

It’s Wednesday. There are 34 days until Election Day. Trump craps on the troops again, Vance is scarier than we thought and Coach Walz scores.

CHECK YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION!!!!!!!!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity so Tim Walz doesn’t have to.

Note: We’re just kidding, Sexy Patriots. Well, not really. But we do want to take a second to congratulate Tim Walz on a great debate. We’ll talk more about this throughout today’s edition, but we wanted to start by stating the obvious — Coach Walz is a really nice guy. Goddamnit.

We have to remind ourselves sometimes that we want to elect leaders who aren’t psycho fuckheads like Trump so we probably shouldn’t be bummed when our candidates act like good people who focus on policies that impact people’s lives. So while we might have liked for Walz to call Vance a couch-fucking woman-hating freakshow, we knew going in that wasn’t his style.

His style is much better than that. He was compassionate. He was passionate. He was factual and on message. He was a good, normal man doing what a good, normal man would do on a vice presidential debate stage. And no, he didn’t tell Vance that childless cat ladies are the bomb and their names should be kept out of Vance’s filthy fucking mouth or tell Vance that his breath smells like Trump ass, but, again, that’s just not how he rolls.

So thank you, Gov. Walz, for representing us better than we would and for appealing to the better angels of our nature and for not telling Vance to eat shit and fuck off and stop being so goddamn weird. No matter how much immature newsletters might have wanted you to. Y”all have a blessed day.

Note two: How goddamn funny is it that Trump started posting about Pete Rose on Truth Social while the debate was still going on? Sorry, Just Disposable (JD) Vance, you’re on your own! (h/t @justinbaragona)

Note three: We rarely say anything nice about the press, so let’s get this out of the way. It was damn commendable that the questions about Helene were asked in the frame of climate change. Props to Norah and Margaret for that. But how the hell are you gonna save the Jan. 6 question to the very goddamn end?! More: CBS

Note four: Did that slimy motherfucker say that Donald Trump saved Obamacare?! Ok just checking. More: NBC

Note five: This line should follow Jesus Dudeseriously (JD) Vance for the rest of his miserable life. Pro-tip — if you’ve spent your whole career attacking and being weird toward women, then don’t yell over them at a debate…

Note six: Trump referred to the moderators as biased “young ladies.” Weird, right?

Note seven: Is there anything more relatable than Walz acknowledging he can be a “knucklehead?” More: The Hill

Note eight: You might have noticed that all-caps plea at the start of the newsletter today. States are purging voters. Georgia just purged thousands. Please check your voter registration. Today! More: AJC

Note nine: It’s easy to get lost in the theater bullshit, but one of the most important things said all night was that Amber Thurman would probably still be alive if she lived in Minnesota. And Vance can keep his bullshit sympathy. More: AJC

Note 10: Has anyone checked in on Megyn Kelly to make sure she’s ok? No? Ok cool.

Note 11: Axios took a look at how much Republican Senate candidates suck hog anus. Ok so they didn’t put it like that, but this is a story about how GOP candidates are running behind Trump in polls. More: Axios

Note 12: Just Dishonest (JD) Vance straight up lied to the American people when he said he didn’t support a national abortion ban. More: TIME

Note 13: We should probably consider that the white dudes of the political press are just as weird as Vance. Also, if Vance’s pink tie was designed to make us think he’s not a serial killer, it kinda worked. Now we think he’s probably only killed a handful of women instead of dozens.

Note 14: There is a very real question as to whether Republicans, who just refused to approve emergency aid, will return to Washington pass aid to help Helene victims. How messed up is that? More: New Republic

Note 15: Just a reminder that the guy at the top of the ticket is a raving lunatic who just yesterday said that his buddy Kim Jong Un “is trying to kill me.”

Note 16: Chickenshit Trump chickenshitted out again, this time from 60 Minutes. VP Harris has agreed to do it, but Chickenshit backed out because he’s too chickenshit and because there was gonna be fact-checking. What a chickenshit. More: CNN

Note 17: Speaking of Trumpian chickenshittery, VP Harris again challenged him to be at the Oct. 23 debate. But if he can’t handle 60 Minutes, then we know he can’t handle MVP.

Note 18: Mark Robinson isn’t helping the rest of North Carolina’s government with the storm response. But hey, fucked up comments on Nude Africa aren’t gonna post themselves! More: WRAL

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to share this clip of Coach Walz’s closing message. We thought it was pitch perfect.

Note 20: And on that Minnesota nice note, let’s go do some news! And let’s remember that we’re the good guys so we don’t lie, cheat or accuse people of having sex with furniture even if they really seem like someone who would have sex with furniture. Love y’all!

Support the troops

So you know how Trump has repeatedly crapped on U.S. troops, calling them “suckers” and “losers” and skipping out on honoring some of our fallen because he didn’t want to get his hair wet? Well yesterday when Trump was asked about U.S. troops who suffered from Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) after a retaliatory missile attack by Iran during his administration, he said they weren’t injured and just had “headaches.” This is not the first time he has said this, and it is fucking appalling. No way this a-hole should be our commander-in-chief.

More: Salon

Yiiiiiikes

We’ve already talked quite a bit about how fucking terrifying American Psycho Jeepers Dudeiscreepy (JD) Vance was last night, but there are a few things we want to add. First, it was gross that he pretended to give a shit about his “friend” who had an abortion so she wouldn’t be stuck in an abusive relationship. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE IS ALREADY ON RECORD SAYING WOMEN SHOULD STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE KIDS. Second, we saw the real Just Despiseswomen (JD) when he started talking over the moderators. And lastly, but sure as shit not leastly, dude refused to say if Trump lost the 2020 election, repeating that he would have gone the fake elector route and rubber-stamped Trump’s coup. Vance was slick last night. Con-artists and serial killers usually are.

More: The Guardian

Thanks, Coach!

We’ve seen some criticism that Coach Walz didn’t hit harder on some topics. And we get it. But we also think he did a great job, and we were proud of him. The thing to remember is Walz has been in politics a long time, but he’s still a pretty normal dude. And so he talks like a normal dude. Vance was built in a lab by Silicon Valley vampires and so he has no soul and no way to get nervous. Coach Walz needed to do two things last night — make the case for Kamala Harris and make the case against Donald Trump. He did both very well, and we saw focus groups either give him the win or call it a tie. Well done, coach. Now you can go hang out with other normal people again.

Today’s clips

The Biden administration’s monthslong effort to avert a full-blown war between Israel and Iran is now being put to the most difficult test yet after Tehran on Tuesday launched a barrage of ballistic missiles at Israel. More: NBC

Claudia Sheinbaum was sworn in Tuesday as Mexico’s first female president, riding the enthusiasm over her predecessor’s social programs but also facing challenges that include stubbornly high levels of violence. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris are set to take separate tours on Wednesday of the catastrophic damage resulting from Hurricane Helene, from which at least 150 people have died. More: NBC