Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it is totally a licensed attorney. In its own mind.
Note: It would have been so easy, Sexy Patriots. Katie Zacharia is a human dumpster fire, and the flames and garbage smoke just keep rising higher and higher. But making fun of her is just way too easy, so we’ll save it for later in the newsletter. And besides, we have a few things we’d like to say to the weirdo with his weiner in the couch — Thank you, JD. And fuck you, JD…
LOL. Weasel? Really, dude? Is that how it looks from inside Trump’s colon? Couchfuck really seems to think it’s his job to travel around the country telling people with brown skin that they should shut up and say thank you. Well, we don’t have brown skin, but we figured we’d go ahead and say thank you to JD. Thank you, JD. Thank you for showing everyone what a malicious little pud you are. Thank you for showing everyone what a heinous prick you are with your lame gay jokes and your gross bigotry. Thank you for fucking the furniture because it makes us laugh and helps us get our steps in because we’re too afraid to sit on anything. And thank you for showing Americans just what a mean and shitty movement MAGA is and always will be. In other words, thanks for being a total fucking asshole.
The good news is that Abdul El-Sayed isn’t the kind of Democrat who needs us to tell JD to eat shit for him. He’s pretty good at doing it himself…
Yesssss. Get his ass, AES. Do the right thing, Michigan. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: How about some therapy today? Great! We’ll see you at 2:30 p.m. ET/11:30 a.m. PT.
Note three: Remember Andy Harris’s cryin’ ass? Well he’s still being a total piece of shit. More: The Banner
Note four: Trump keeps saying that your kids will be mutilated at school. He’s right, but not in the way he thinks. We’re sending love to Oregon. More: AP
Note five: Katie Zacharia is really, really struggling. And even Sean Hannity was so disgusted by her last night that she had to go on Fox and Friends this morning to try and clean it up. Maybe there should be more qualifications for the job than just looking like the daughter Trump wants to fuck.
Note six: Oh and Katie ain’t no lawyer. She just plays one on tv. More: CNN
Note seven: You know how Trump and Hegseth killed all those little girls in Iran? Well they’re also gonna keep the investigation results under wraps until after the midterms. What good Christians they are. More: Bloomberg
Note eight: Sam roots for the Dodgers, but we have to congratulate the Milwaukee Brewers on making it to the World Series. And honestly, it’s probably good for baseball. More: Yahoo Sports
Note nine: The lunatic who married Stephen Miller wants you to know she and her family are eating really well while you can’t afford ground beef. Maybe she should try eating shit. More: HuffPost
Note 10: There is new reporting that Trump went after Ilhan Omar in 2019 and found bupkis. If she’s reading this, we want her to know we have her back. Especially when she’s throwing heat like this…
Note 11: We’re gonna talk about Elon the Anus in the news section, but we wanted to be sure y’all saw that he just had to settle lawsuits from when he bought the last election. More: HuffPost
Note 12: Desperate Dan Sullivan tried to attack Mary Peltola last night. It didn’t go great for him. More: NBC News
Note 13: Oh and Troy Jackson told Susan Collins to shut up. LOL.
Note 14: Trump is invoking executive privilege in the battle over Kennedy Center records. We sure do wonder what corruption he’s hiding. Because the shit he’s doing in plain sight is pretty bad. More: NBC News
Note 15: This is a personal note for us. RIP to basketball legend Cliff Hagan. Sam grew up playing hoops at the Cliff Hagan Boys Club in Owensboro, Ky. RIP, sir. More: Owensboro Times
Note 17: Sexy Patriots, we implore you to never ever ever ever ever get into one of Elon’s flying cars. Also, don’t drink the green shit you keep under the sink.
Note 18: You’re not gonna believe this but the scumbags who lied about James Talarico were lying pieces of shit. Ok fine so you will believe it. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, man, you just gotta watch Katie Zacharia struggling on Hannity. It’s like she’s a human metaphor for the whole goddamn Republican Party…
Note 20: And on that unqualified note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. Unless you are JD Vance. And in that case we hope you go fuck yourself after you fuck the sofa. Love y’all!
Putin’s Pet
After Ukraine was left without satellite coverage this week, the Trump White House and Elon Musk pointed the fingers at each other. But reports came out last night that the order to shut off the Starlink services came directly from the White House. This comes as Trump has launched a media tour to attack Zelensky while giving Putin a pass. It is easily the most egregious betrayal of the cause of liberty that we have ever seen from an American president, and we sure as shit hope there are consequences at some point.
More: Reuters, Kyiv Independent, The Hill
Buying Texas
Trump totally crashed out yesterday about the Texas Senate race, preemptively blaming John Cornyn and Karl Rove for Ken Paxton losing. So all those polls must be pretty accurate. The only thing working for Paxton right now is Elon Musk, who has given $158 million to super PACs to try and save the scumbag who put a pedophile back on the streets. Elon is basically the only donor to this PAC so it’s not an exaggeration to say that Elon is trying to buy a U.S. Senate seat. Let’s hope this goes like his foray into Wisconsin.
Our Almost AG
Hey here’s a question — if Obama or Biden had nominated a sex trafficking creep to be the Attorney General, do you think the press would have just moved on? Yeah, we don’t either. But that’s what they’ve done with Trump and Matt Gaetz. Two women filed a federal suit against Gaetz yesterday, alleging that he and two other assholes were involved in a sex-trafficking scheme that included drugs and interstate travel. And because he’s a total scumbag, Gaetz doxxed the women who are suing him for being a scumbag. Can you imagine what a national story this would be if it was a Democrat?
More: Miami Herald
Today’s clips
CALGARY, Alberta (AP) — Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney warned Thursday that the United States is trying to break Canada so it can “own us” as he urged oil-rich Alberta not to begin a process toward separation in Monday’s referendum. More: AP
NEW YORK (AP) — President Donald Trump says he wants voters to pretend that he’s on the ballot in this year’s midterm elections.
His rivals are doing their best to help his case. More: AP
KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russian attacks on nine regions of Ukraine caused emergency power outages for hundreds of thousands of households and damaged numerous homes, wounding at least 15 people, officials said Friday, as civilian casualties from Russia’s invasion climb steeply. More: AP
ATLANTA (AP) — Donald Trump’s midterm campaign blitz arrives in Georgia on Friday for a rally with top Republican candidates in a state that has long been the epicenter of the president’s false claims about election fraud. More: AP
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Several brush fires were burning in Southern California on Friday, stoked by hot, windy weather that’s led to some evacuations and tens of thousands of people in the state waking up in the dark after their electricity was turned off. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump said Thursday that the Pentagon will no longer livestream the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan, after the announcement faced bipartisan criticism and Vice President JD Vance said he wouldn’t watch it. More: AP
The Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office sex crimes unit is weighing whether to bring charges in a case involving former Rep. Eric Swalwell, a spokesperson told NBC News on Thursday. More: NBC News
In the world of “South Park” ― where every episode of the NSFW cartoon is designed to shock, offend or provoke ― nothing and no one is off-limits. Not celebrities, not religious figures and certainly not politicians.
But few have been skewered as relentlessly as President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost
love y’all! We will see you at 2:30 PM ET/11:30 AM PT therapy session here live on substack for anyone who can join!
Thank you for the awesome post. I think you nailed it again.
Musk is a dumpster fire too, along with this whole administration.
You guys need some much-needed therapy after the awful, tense week we have had.