Talking Sh*t

It’s Monday. There are 85 days until the midterm elections. Democrats get Davey’s back, food ain’t safe no more and Bibi embarrasses Trump… again.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell you to stay the fuck away from Taylor Farms.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you! We hope you had a magical weekend filled with busting your ass on behalf of a Democratic candidate. But we understand if you did other stuff too. We are almost done with primary season — thank goodness — so it’s time for us all to get on the same page so we can kick some major Republican ass in November.

We know some people are having a hard time with that. For whatever reason, we have Democrats who are skeptical or worried about some of our nominees. Well today, we thought we’d help those good people get over that shit. If you are on the fence about Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, we think this clip will help you learn to love his hot ass…

Yessssssss. Folks, that is a Democratic U.S. Senate candidate accusing Donald Trump of crapping himself in the Oval Office. We approve of that message. And it gets better. Abdul was asked during one of the MSM’s shockingly anti-Muslim interviews about Trump attacking he and his wife in a social media post. Abdul responded that unlike Trump and Melania, he and his wife actually like each other. THIS IS THE WAY!!!

For years, we have begged our party to put on the brass knuckles and start fucking up bullies. Now it looks like we have some candidates who will do that. So let’s get behind them. We believe they will make us proud. And make Trump very, very angry. So angry that he shits himself in the Oval Office. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: Tomorrow is an Election Day. Mercifully, we believe it is the last big primary day. If people are voting where you live, please join them. And please don’t vote for any assholes. More: Boltsmag

Note three: We are so late to this story, but we wanted to shower praise and congratulations onto Gov. Abigail Spanberger for restoring the voting rights of tens of thousands of Virginians. This is real shit. More: Virginia Mercury

Note four: Iran has issued a list of demands for ending the war. LOL. Is that how this was supposed to go? More: HuffPost

Note five: Billionaires are the fucking worst, and we should fire them into the sun.

Note six: Cooter died. That’s not a euphemism. More: NBC News

Note seven: Some awful news from Hunter B. Apparently Joe’s cancer has spread. If you can, spare some love in your heart for him. More: NBC News

Note eight: If you’re one of the Americans or Canadians dealing with these wildfires, we see you. We’re thinking of you. And we’re sorry the president doesn’t give a fuck about you. More: AP

Note nine: These stories about Haitians having to wear ankle monitors fills us with a level of rage we didn’t know we could reach. These midterms are so fucking important. More: The Guardian

Note 10: AOC is crushing it. She refused to rule out a run for president or Senate, and we think that’s a good thing. Also, everyone needs to hear this message…

Note 11: Ok this is pretty goddamn hilarious. Trump was asked about voters hating him, and he said that they’re mad at Republicans but not him. LOLOL!!! Keep kissing his ass, GOP! More: Politico

Note 12: Can y’all think of a worse spokesman to keep sending on television to lie about the economy than Kevin Hassett? We oppose violence at all times, but we think the only accurate way to describe that dude’s face and his shit-eating grin is “punchable.” More: HuffPost

Note 13: We don’t know anything about Darline Graham. But we still hope she loses badly and eats shit tomorrow. More: HuffPost

Note 14: James Carville was back on Fox News shitting on Democrats this weekend. Are we sure he and John Fetterman aren’t the same person who can go fuck themselves? More: HuffPost

Note 15: If y’all haven’t seen Obama and Larry David together, then you are in for a treat. This had us howling. Also, Obama is a pretty good comedic actor.

Note 16: Ukraine spent the weekend fucking up Russians. We’re sure Trump was disappointed. More: AP

Note 17: We want to take another second to talk about AOC and applaud her for sharing this very personal information. We freaking love this kind of leadership. If or when she ever does start a family, we know it will be an awesome one and not have any Don Juniors in it. More: AP

Note 18: The Senate approved Todd Blanche at 4 a.m. over the weekend. So you know it’s totally aboveboard. His dirty miserable ass gets sworn in today. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the WNBA. While scumbag losers are trying like hell to make a mockery of the league, its players are refusing to let that happen. Congrats to Kayla McBride… More: Instagram

Note 20: And on that awesome note that made us feel really old, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready to kick some ass this week. We also hope Abdul keeps making fun of Trump for being a poopy pants. Love y’all!

Dems Heart Davey

Olympian Davey Hearn was targeted by the United States government in an effort to make the mad king’s lies true. Even after charges were dismissed, Trump has continued to go after Hearn over the Reflecting Pool bullshit. The good news is that Democrats are going to get Davey’s back. Rep. Jamie Raskin is going to go to war over this and launch an investigation into the White House and DOJ. And we know that Davey is going to sue the United States to hell and back. We have to win back the House, y’all. We need these investigations to come with subpoena power. We need to be able to fight back for Davey and everyone else who has been targeted by this administration.

More: New Republic

Trump Take Food

If you thought we were almost done with the Trump Shittin’ Disease, well, we’re sorry to disappoint you. Taylor Farms is now recalling jalapenos and avocados over salmonella fears. This is why it’s important for the government to do food inspections. Because when you stick your head up your ass and look the other way — as Trump has done — people get sick and die. So when is the fucked up company getting fined or investigated and when is Trump getting asked some real questions about this shit?

More: Yahoo News

Ouch

Man, Trump is never gonna get that peace prize. Over the weekend, Netanyahu made clear that Israel does not accept the proposed peace agreement Trump was pushing between Israel and Hamas. We’re shocked. We really thought this one was gonna work. Sorry to lay on the sarcasm so heavy, but how many times do we have to watch this shit happen before everyone figures out what’s happening? Anyway, it sure would be nice if Trump actually ended a war instead of just lying about ending wars.

More: AP

Today’s clips

MADISON, Wis. (AP) — Progressive candidates for governor in Wisconsin and U.S. Senate in Minnesota are making their final pushes ahead of Tuesday’s election, increasing the pressure on a Democratic establishment that has spent the year on its heels. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — It’s been 12 months since President Donald Trump announced a crime emergency in Washington, pledging to make the city “safe and beautiful” and deploying the National Guard.

But a mission that seemed temporary has been extended through January 2029. Residents and a new cadre of local officials see in it an unacceptable attempt by the federal government to restrict the heavily Democratic city’s autonomy and, a year in, still question why having troops on the streets of the nation’s capital is necessary. More: AP

Congressional Democrats said they are investigating the Trump administration’s efforts to deport military service members and their families after The Associated Press foundmore than 50 active-duty troops’ spouses and parents have been detained by immigration authorities. More: AP

BRIDGEWATER, N.J. (AP) — Abdul El-Sayed, the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Michigan, said Sunday he has spoken with Barack Obama and hopes the former president campaigns with him as the party tries to unite after a bitter primary that exposed deep rifts between its progressive and moderate wings. More: AP

LAS VEGAS — The case of rap icon Tupac Shakur’s killing has been unresolved for decades; now the man charged in his 1996 killing in Las Vegas is going to trial. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Sunday once again blamed vandalism for the botched renovation of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool ― but also made a startling confession about the evidence. More: HuffPost