Tables turned

It’s Saturday. There are 38 days until Election Day. Putin’s buttlick makes our blood boil, the DNC goes nationwide and VP Harris visits the border.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It keeps us from losing our goddamn minds.

Note: Dearest Sexy Patriots, we are weeping for America. No, not because millions of us think a cruel dumbshit gameshow host should be president again, but because the pictures and videos of towns and regions absolutely slammed by Hurricane Helene are devastating. And because we’re not Trump Republican scum, we actually care about what happens to our fellow Americans when a natural disaster hits. So we are sending love and donations and everything else we’ve got to send.

But we know y’all come to us to feel better about the news so let’s take a minute to laugh at this pathetic motherfucker who faked having a family as part of his reelection campaign. No seriously…

LOL! What the hell? A lot of kids lie about having a hot Canadian girlfriend, but this loser actually grew up and fake married and had fake kids with his. Or is this some more weird Republican swinger shit? Are they now the party of (Other People’s) Family Values? Look, we don’t kink shame here at TBS, but these dudes are just so fucking strange that they’re borrowing families now. Gonna be a shame when this dude’s not-wife leaves him with his not-kids after she realizes he’s a lying asshead. Still, it’s more believable than Trump’s bullshit marriage.

Let’s beat these weird assholes, shall we? Because we’re like one cycle away from some idiot running with photos of his inflatable sex doll. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Mark Robinson says he “backed away” from Trump so his orange daddy can still win Wisconsin. If you read Robinson’s post on Nude Africa, then you know how freaky that dude is when he’s backing away. Sorry. We couldn’t help it. Neither could his wife’s sister. More: HuffPost

Note three: It took longer than it should have, but the New York Times finally figured out that Elon Leon Musk is spreading total bullshit on twitter. In fact, a THIRD of Leon’s posts last week were bullshit. Stop lying, Leon! More: NY Times (Paywall)

Note four: RFK Jr.’s name is staying on the ballot in New York State and Wisconsin. Yesterday the US Supreme Court refused to hear his appeal on New York and the Wisconsin state Supreme Court said no dice. So yeah, he can still spoil this thing for Trump and we think that’s just hilarious. There’s almost more sex scandal stuff with the reporter from New York Magazine, but we’re too grossed out to talk about it. More: ABC7 New York

Note five: In fact, it’s almost as funny as this shit. Dude, we didn’t make you eat dog, desecrate bear and whale corpses, go all anti-vaxx Trumper or put a dead worm in your brain. So maybe you’re just fucking crazy. And so so dumb.

Note six: Dark Brandon continues to be a damn good man. Read about how he eulogized his childhood friend in Scranton. And then remember that Trump buried his ex-wife on a fucking golf course. More: The Hill

Note seven: We did not think it was possible to love Stevie Nicks more than we already did. And then she released a new pro-choice anthem on Friday and our hearts freaking exploded. We love you, Stevie!!! More: People

Note eight: This is pretty cool. Emmit Smith and Dawn Staley are among the superstar athletes who are launching “Athletes for Harris.” At least Trump has Herschel Walker. Wait. What happened to Herschel Walker?! More: USA Today

Note nine: It sure looks like the extreme right-wing Rasmussen polling operation is total bullshit and corrupt as hell. More: New Republic

Note 10: We’re gonna talk about VP Harris’s trip to the border in a second, but we wanted to make sure you saw this badass picture first…

Grrrrrrrr

Did y’all see that shit yesterday? We had to watch as Trump stood next to President Zelensky and basically extorted him all over again, telling the press that Zelensky had vindicated him when he was impeached and then turning around and telling him that Putin wants peace. It’s been the most obvious scandal of the last decade that Trump is in cahoots with Putin, and we fucking hate it for Zelensky that he has to stand there and pretend differently. If we want Ukraine to win, we have to elect Kamala Harris. Otherwise we might as well just elect Putin.

More: NBC

Let’s go!!!

Kamala Harris is promising to be a president for all Americans. And the Democratic National Committee is putting its money where her mouth is. That didn’t sound as nice as we meant it to. What we mean is that the DNC announced yesterday that it is sending money to all 57 states and territories to try and win elections everywhere. This is HUGE! Who knows what down-ballot races we can pick off with a little extra support? Meanwhile Trump’s campaign is lagging in advertising because the RNC is paying for his lawyers and he’s out hawking gold watches. Aren’t you glad to be on this side of things?

More: Salon

Tables turned

Republicans freaked out more than usual yesterday as Vice President Harris took their signature issue head on and proved in one day that you can be tough on the border without acting like a nazi scumbag. Harris, along with Sen. Mark Kelly, took a visit to the Southern border where she hailed progress in stemming the flow of illegal crossings while also promising to strengthen some of the nation’s immigration policies. It was some crazy smart political jiu-jitsu to watch as the VP outflanked Republicans on their top issue. The VP is not afraid!

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Partisan control of at least eight legislative chambers across the country is up for grabs this November, battles that will go a long way in determining the fate of a litany of hot-button issues ranging from abortion to immigration in key battleground states. More: NBC

Lebanon’s Hezbollah group confirmed on Saturday that its leader and one of its founders, Hassan Nasrallah, was killed in an Israeli airstrike in Beirut the previous day. More: HuffPost

Chicago Sky forward Angel Reese is calling out the media for how she’s been publicly portrayed, amid renewed discussion about a rise in racist remarks aimed at WNBA players. More: HuffPost

North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson was treated for second-degree burns at Northern Regional Hospital “following an incident at a campaign event” in Mount Airy on Friday night, according to Mike Lonergan, communications director for Robinson’s gubernatorial campaign. More: CNN