Susie spills the beans

It’s Tuesday. There are 322 days until the midterm elections. Ignoring Axios, some Pulitzer pugilism and Susie spills the beans.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Are there still people who don’t?! Are they crazy?!

Note: We were mad yesterday, Sexy Patriots. REALLY fucking mad. When we saw that shit-eating asshole who calls himself our president trashing Rob Reiner, we filled to the brim with rage. Some of it even came out of our ears and nose. And then we did something really, really messed up that we are definitely not proud of. So today we have to start with an apology to these people…

Frederick Jameson Jr.

Eloise McHenry Rawlins

Jerome Callaway

Jonathan Dembry

Sally M. Wofford

Horation Jenkins III

Dianne Holview

Patricia Lemensdorf

Jane McGillicudy

So you’re wondering who these people are. And the answer is we don’t know. But yesterday we pissed on their graves. ADAM AND SAM! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?! WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING AND HOW ARE YOU SO HOT?! We can explain. And thank you. You see, we were so goddamn mad about Trump’s desecration of Mr. Reiner yesterday that we spent the morning cussing and drinking coffee and drinking coffee and cussing. And the more we thought about Trump’s remarks about Reiner, the madder we got. But also, we had a lot of coffee.

And that’s how we got the bright idea to start practice-pissing on graves. Yeah, we just figured that we want to be ready when the time comes for, um, you know. It was gross and wrong and one of us ruined a shoe. We’re very sorry. But you’ll be happy we put the work in when the big day comes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You’re not gonna believe this, but the guy with all the bankruptcies fucked up the economy. The U.S. economy lost more than 41,000 jobs in October and November (+64k in November), and the unemployment rate is now up to 4.6 percent. At least his personality sucks. More: NPR

Note three: We’ve said this before, but we are HUGE Jack White fans. His music is great, but we really love the way he shreds shithead. More: HuffPost

Note four: RIP to Anthony Geary, who played Luke on General Hospital. This news really made Sam miss his Grandma. More: NBC News

Note five: Who ordered the giant on-the-nose metaphor?

Note six: Don’t worry, everybody. Trump had to destroy the White House because of national security. Seems like if we were really secure as a nation we wouldn’t have let some dumbfuck gameshow host wreck the executive mansion. More: Associated Press

Note seven: By the way, if there are any Spinal Tap fans here — and we have to assume there are — check out the sequel now playing on HBO. It’s so charming.

Note eight: Trump is suing the BBC for $10 billion. Let’s hope they’ve got more guts than the chickenshit American media who couldn’t bribe this asshole fast enough. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Don Jr. is getting married. Congrats to his ex on escaping to Greece. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Thank you to Michelle Obama for telling the truth about the Reiners and reminding Americans what decency looks like. Let’s hope Melania plagiarizes this shit too.

Note 11: Jake Tapper wants us to believe he talks about Trump’s health “all the time.” So yeah, Jake Tapper is a goddamn liar. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Mike Pence wants the brainworm dumbass to resign. Because Pence thinks RFK is a liberal. Did Pencey hit his head on Jan. 6? Oh well. We’ll take it. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We’re gonna shit all over Axios in the news section, but we believe they are probably pretty well-sourced in Elon Asshead Land. So yeah, Leon has abandoned his third-party bullshit and returned to the GOP to try and buy next year’s elections. Anyone else excited to make this weird freak cry? More: Axios

Note 14: The Brown University shooter still hasn’t been caught, but don’t worry because Kash Patel is going on Katie Miller’s podcast to talk about his girlfriend. We think this is appalling too, but we also understand the odds of Kash ever having a girlfriend and wanting to talk about it. More: The Hill

Note 15: Wanna see how fast Mike Little Johnson can run while simultaneously peeing his underoos?

Note 16: You know that asshole from Entourage? Yeah, we forgot too. Apparently he’s a farmer now and talking shit about “woke college liberals.” Seriously, bro? We hope his next entourage includes Deez. More: Yahoo Movies

Note 17: Do y’all have any idea how big of a scumbag you have to be to give James Woods the high road? (Yeah, we forgot he exists too) More: HuffPost

Note 18: Passed Out Pete Hegseth is upping his war against Mark Kelly. Congrats to Mark Kelly because this is gonna make him a household name. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the City of Angels where Sam is sitting in his boxers working on today’s newsletter. But that’s not the happy part. This is…

Note 20: And on that liberated note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start and you’re not related to any of the people in the first note. Love y’all!

Note 21: BONUS — Here’s Jack White (and Eminem) rocking the Thanksgiving NFL halftime show. More: YouTube

Ignore Axios
This is kinda awkward since we linked to them a couple times today, but it really is best if we all ignore Axios. Why do we say that? Well yesterday they had a story about Kamala Harris gearing up for another presidential run. It sparked a lots of opinions and debate. It’s also probably bullshit. The author, Alex Thompson, is the same chode who teamed up with Tapper to crucify Biden for being old. Are we supposed to believe this dude is still so plugged in that he’s getting Kamala’s 2028 scoops? Yeah right. Thompson and Axios love the Democrats-in-disarray storyline, and they’ll create it if they have to. So take this shit with a grain of salt and worry about 2028 after we win big in 2026. More: NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Pulitzers ain’t no punks
Of all the organizations to throw a haymaker at Trump, the Pulitzer Prize board was not at the top of our list. Maybe they should have been. You might recall that Trump is suing the prestigious journalism awards because of the prizes they gave to big newspapers who covered Trump’s collusion with Russia in 2016. But the board isn’t just throwing bribes at Trump like everyone else. No, they’re going to war. And this week they filed for discovery, and they want everything. They want Trump’s tax returns, his psych records and a list of any prescriptions he has used. LOLOL!!! This is so fucking funny. How long until Trump drops the case? More: Law and Crime

Oh Suzie Q
This is the story that is straight up rocking the Beltway this morning. Susie Wiles, Trump’s chief-of-staff and his campaign manager, gave a series of interviews to Vanity Fair. And she seems to have done something crazy — she told the truth. She said that Trump has “an alcoholic’s personality,” that VP Couchcanoodle is “conspiracy theorist,” that Pam Bondi fucked up the Epstein stuff and that Elon Leon is “an avowed ketamine” user. Whoa. Like we knew all this, but it’s pretty wild to hear it from the White House chief-of-staff. She also admitted that Trump has been “score-settling” and that he promised to stop after the first 90 days but hasn’t. Oh and she admitted that Trump has been lying about Bill Clinton going to Epstein island. Susie was big mad this morning and accused VF of a “hit piece.” LOL. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — thank god these cruel fuckers are idiots. More: Vanity Fair, Mediaite

Today’s clips
This “AI lobbyist” thing doesn’t seem to be working out for former Sen. Kyrsten Sinema. More: Phoenix New Times

Officials are investigating after an on-duty Customs and Border Protection officer fired his gun during what he claimed to be an assault following an apparent fender-bender near the entrance to JFK Airport, authorities say. More: NBC News

Eighty-five percent of the people granted pardons or clemency this year by President Donald Trump are white, and Jan. 6 defendants made up 90% of those who benefited, according to a new report compiled by Rep. Ayanna Pressley, D-Mass., a vocal advocate for criminal justice reform. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump’s chief of staff Susie Wiles ripped into Attorney General Pam Bondi over the botched release of the Epstein files in an exclusive interview with Vanity Fair, saying America’s top prosecutor gave a bunch of right-wing influencers “binders full of nothingness.” More: Mediaite

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered strikes on three more alleged drug boats, killing eight people. More: HuffPost

Nick Reiner, the son of Rob and Michele Reiner, was taken into custody Sunday night and is being held with no bail. More: HuffPost

Starting Tuesday, the U.S. Capitol will display a statue of a teenaged Barbara Rose Johns as she protested poor conditions at her segregated Virginia high school, a pointed replacement for a statue of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee that was removed several years ago. More: Associated Press