Strait Stupid

It’s Tuesday. There are 217 days until the midterm elections. Europe tells Trump to take a walk, ICE vs. the Marines and thanking an idiot for $4 gas.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it would never abandon you to wander around Disney World creeping everyone out.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another lovely day in the burning dog doo bag. While we watch the dumbest man in history slowly but surely and irrevocably fuck up an already fucked up situation in Iran, there is so much other news flying at us that we are worried things are falling through the cracks. Hell, we almost missed this whacky shit…

We’ll be damned. We hate everything about that corrupt piece of shit. Seriously. Hate him with a righteous passion. But look at those fucking moves! Who knew Kash “Krazy Legs” Patel was bringing his milkshake to the yard like this and can we get a sip? He sucks like a vacuum cleaner getting flushed down a toilet, but we have to give it up when we see a man shake it like that.

Naw, we’re just kidding. Fuck that asshole and his shitty dancing. Enjoy that Gif as a gift from us. It’s a great reminder of what the FBI director is doing instead of finding Nancy Guthrie. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: America is stuck in a stupid war that was started for stupid reasons. But at least Pete Hegseth was able to profit off of it. So when do we lock his ass up? More: CNBC

Note three: Still think we’re the good guys? Well we bombed a damn orphanage. It’s like the FIFA peace prize means nothing to him. More: CNN

Note four: Thank you to HuffPo for doing this story about Trump playing golf during a war he started. It’s a shame they’re the only ones with the guts to write this. More: HuffPost

Note five: Lindsey Graham did a little over-compensating yesterday. It was hilarious. Still, he does look super manly and tough.

Note six: RIP to Sugar the Surfing Dog. That puppy could really shred. More: NBC

Note seven: We are REALLY hoping Viktor Orban is about to lose an election. Can you imagine the global humiliation for Putin and his American pets? More: Associated Press

Note eight: How many Jan. 6 scumbags have to go away for being child molesters before a White House reporter asks Trump about it? Because the number is getting pretty fucking high. More: NBC

Note nine: Ok this is pretty funny. Last night, Laura Ingraham was delicately trying to ask if Trump was too stupid to understand what he was getting into when he attacked Iran. LOL! More: Mediaite

Note 10: Folks, we don’t know how to tell you this, but Olaf is down. RIP, brother.

Note 11: VP Couchboy has a new memoir coming out about his religion. It’s called “The Pope Hates Me Because I Start Wars and Fuck Couches.” More: Associated Press

Note 12: That Trumpy sheriff in California is putting a pause on his election interference. Democrats really need to beat this chode. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Man, everything these guys do just announces to the world that they’ve got tiny wieners.

Note 14: The Army is investigating why Kid Rock got a personal fly-by from a military helicopter. And the crew flying the chopper has already been suspended. Good. We’re pretty fucking pissed to be paying for this dumb shit. More: News Channel 5, NBC

Note 15: Israel passed a law yesterday that allows hanging Palestinian prisoners. How the hell are we or anyone else supposed to defend this crap? More: HuffPost

Note 16: The Palm Beach airport is being renamed after dumbshit. Who the fuck would want to fly into Cankles the Nazi Asshole Airport? More: Associated Press

Note 17: This is too goddamn funny. Major props as always to the Good Liars.

Note 18: It only took a decade, but Katy Tur is starting to wonder if Trump is unwell. Nothing gets by her. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to take a moment to recognize Transgender Day of Visibility. Our trans friends are being targeted and hunted by the federal government and even people they thought were on their side. It sucks. We want them to know we love them, we see them and we need them here to remind motherfuckers what real freedom looks like. Love to all!!! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. If not, try dancing. You’re probably better at it than the FBI director. Love y’all!

No from NATO
Trump and Pete Hegseth are big mad this morning that Europe is telling them to fuck off. After Spain said that the U.S. can’t use its airspace for military jets, Italy and France took similar steps. So of course they got a big angry Truth Social post from Trump essentially washing his hands of everything and telling the nations to go get their own oil. No, seriously. He really said that. It’s so weird. He’s spent years insulting our allies and crapping all over their sacrifices in Afghanistan and now they don’t want to help him with his stupid war that he started without telling them. Trump is trying to surrender while Iran still controls the Strait of Hormuz. So this is gonna get way, way dumber. More: Financial Post More: NBC News

Sick
Even for Trump and Stephen Miller, this is pretty fucked up. ICE agents are going to be stationed outside of Marine Corps graduation ceremonies in case any of the young people signing up to serve our country are also related to any undocumented immigrants. What a massive Fuck You to the people volunteering to fight Trump’s stupid war. We’d sure hate it if some ICE asshole tried to get physical with a Marine. Because that would not go well for that ICE agent. More: NBC News

Thanks, Trump
Well gas is officially over $4 a gallon now. That’s up from the pretend $2 a gallon Trump has been lying about for the last year. Our idiot president started an idiotic war, and now we’re all paying for it. Fuck. This is all so fucking stupid. Congrats to everyone who went electric. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
Several participants in the Jan. 6 riot have filed a class action lawsuit against the federal government, seeking millions of dollars in damages over their claims that police used excessive force against the pro-Trump mob that attacked the U.S. Capitol in 2021. More NBC News

HAVANA (AP) — A Russian tanker docked Tuesday at the Cuban port of Matanzas laden with 730,000 barrels of oil, marking the first time in three months that an oil tanker reached the island. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Lawyers for Rep. Eric Swalwell demanded Monday that FBI Director Kash Patel immediately end any effort to release records from a decade-old investigation involving the California Democrat and a suspected Chinese operative that resulted in no criminal charges. More: Associated Press

The New York Times published the dubious claim that the term “J-pilled” is “far-right slang for skepticism of Israeli influence” on Monday in a news story about the Conservative Political Action Conference written by Nathan Taylor Pemberton. More: Mediaite

The Daily Wire’s chief White House correspondent Mary Margaret Olohan pressed Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth for his message to MAGA supporters who are “very worried” about the idea that President Donald Trump may order “boots on the ground” in Iran – but the Pentagon chief remained guarded on the issue. More: Mediaite

SAN ANTONIO — The Chicago Bulls waived guard Jaden Ivey on Monday in the wake of anti-LGBTQ comments and remarks about religion he made in videos on his Instagram account. More: HuffPost