‘Straight?’

It’s Wednesday. There are 230 days until the midterm elections. Inflation is still inflating, Republicans feel the heat on ICE and the president of the U.S. thinks it’s the “Straight” of Hormuz.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it cheered for Venezuela.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, what are we gonna do about the idiots? Now that gas prices are shooting through the roof, the dumbest and most selfish assholes in human history are waking up to the fact that making a sadistic shit-for-brains gameshow host as president was pretty fucking stupid…

Sigh. Yeah, who could’ve guessed that the guy who attacked the Capitol and played golf while 3,500 Americans were dying a day from COVID would suck at this? Oh right. THE REST OF US WHO WERE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!! Ugh. So what do we do? Do we welcome the idiots to the resistance? Adam likes to say that politics is about addition and not subtraction. Sam likes to say fuck those assholes and their ugly parents. Adam is probably right here, but we do think there should be a 12-step program involved.

The first step is admitting they were idiots and that Trump is a “pile of shit.” The other 11 steps are to a county clerk’s office where they change their party registration and start helping us undo all the goddamn damage they helped cause. And only then, will we welcome the idiots. We almost might make them lick a piece of dog poop on a stick, but we haven’t decided yet. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some fucking therapy?! Yeah, us too. How about today at 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT? Great. We’ll see you then.

Note three: Hey so congrats to Kat Abughezala on running a great race! She came up short last night and it’s gross to see AIPAC celebrating, but she ran a helluva race. More importantly, she showed Democratic voters what it looks like when their candidates get in the streets and actually fight. We’re damn grateful to her for steering our party toward actual resistance. 19th News

Note four: This is a pretty good round-up of how big money didn’t do so well in Illinois. Good. We hate that shit. More: HuffPost

Note five: Who’s ready to make Juliana Stratton a United States Senator? Yeah, us too!

Note six: Oh dear. Bari Weiss has totally broken CBS and crapped on its ashes. This kinda thing used to get a person fired and shunned by decent society. More: Variety

Note seven: Joe Kent is nazi trash. But it’s objectively hilarious that he resigned over Iran the day before Tulski Gabbard has to testify in front of the Senate. Have fun today, Tulski! More: NBC News

Note eight: We’ve really been enjoying watching JD Vance squirm over Trump’s stupid war. It’s like watching him after his wife asks where all the stains on the couch came from. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Kari Lake lost again yesterday. If there was a Hall of Fame for losers, she’d be first ballot. More: HuffPost

Note 10: This made our morning. Remember at the end of The Burbs when Bruce Dern’s character sees the youngest neighbor trying to sneak off and he yells “Hey Pinocchio! Where do you think you’re going?!” Well that’s this.

Note 11: We’ve always hated John Roberts. But now we’re mostly embarrassed for him. What a wuss. More: NBC News

Note 12: Markwayne is testifying today. We’ll recap it tomorrow, but we’re really enjoying watching Rand Paul fuck him up. More: NBC News

Note 13: We have to give major love to Vanity Fair for actually doing the Arrested Development joke with real live crypto losers. Funniest fucking thing we’ve seen in a while.

Note 14: Anybody see this big ass meteor? We love stuff like this. More: Associated Press

Note 15: The bullshit SAVE Act is in play right now. It’s probably going down in flames. But probably ain’t good enough so get on the phone and light up your senators. More: The Hill

Note 16: The WNBA and the players’ union finally reached a deal! We know this ain’t a sports newsletter, but this one still made us really happy to see. They deserve to get paid! More: ESPN

Note 17: Ok so any guesses what the Nude Africa guy is going to announce tomorrow? Because we have to admit we’re pretty damn excited to find out. We hope it’s more gross stuff!

Note 18: Oof. This one hit hard. Pulse Nightclub has been demolished about a decade after 49 people were murdered there. The building might be gone, but we’re never gonna forget. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, maybe this is a sports letter. We want to congratulate the Venezuelan baseball team on defeating the U.S. and winning the World Baseball Classic. Given the hell we’ve put those poor people through, this feels like justice. Congrats to them! More: ESPN

Note 20: And on that triumphant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far. And if you’re a former idiot who’s new here, welcome. Hold on while we get the poop stick. Love y’all!

Inflation, baby
Remember when Americans pissed away their democracy and decency because they were so worried about inflation and thought the Jan. 6 asshole would do a good job beating it? Well that was a bit of a miscalculation. Instead we’ve got illegal wars, endless chaos, a child rape cover-up and, oh, inflation. Yeah, wholesale prices went up again last month as the president once again failed to do the one fucking thing he was supposed to do. We’re starting to hear the word stagnation a lot, so we suppose we should probably look it up. More: CNBC

Melting
Republicans fucked up by sending masked secret police into American cities to kidnap and kill people. How do we know? Because they’re desperate to negotiate. We already know that the White House is telling allies to stop using terms like “mass deportation,” but now we know just how scared they are. The White House has told Democrats that they will bend on some accountability measures for ICE and stop deporting American citizens. Well, that shit is already the fucking law so fuck them. And props to Senate Democrats on holding the line on unmasking these sonsofbitches. Frankly, we’re shocked. Let’s keep it going. More: Politico

Strait up moron
Our stupid, stupid president has no goddamn idea what to do about the Strait of Hormuz, and his floundering is getting worse. In a Truth Social post this morning, Trump said he might just “finish off” Iran and then leave the “Straight” for other countries to figure out. How is this guy making Dubya look smart and thoughtful?! Trump spent years crapping all over our allies and their sacrifices in Afghanistan and now he wants them to fight his dumb war. Thank goodness Europeans seem to have more self-respect than the Republican Party and the beltway media. More: NBC News, The Independent

Today’s clips
Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker was always on a glide path to his third Democratic nomination for governor ever since he announced he would seek re-election. Now, he knows the Republican he’ll face in November. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — A key question hangs over the Federal Reserve’s two-day meeting that ends Wednesday: Will central bank policymakers still reduce short-term interest rates this year, now that the Iran war has sent oil prices higher and gas prices spiking? Or will they have to stand pat for months to see how the conflict plays out? More: Associated Press

TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — Vexed by the Justice Department’s chaotic oversight of federal prosecutions in New Jersey, a judge on Monday threw a government attorney out of a hearing and ordered the three officials in charge of the state’s U.S. Attorney’s office to answer his questions under oath. More: Associated Press

President Donald Trump has said he plans to endorse one of the candidates in the Republican Senate runoff in Texas, but Tuesday was the last chance for either to withdraw from the ballot and fulfill the party’s hope of avoiding more than two months of bitter and costly campaigning. More: Associated Press