Stop! Thief!

Happy Friday. There are 172 days until the midterm elections. Trump is going to put your money in terrorists’ pockets, LA needs to say no to becoming a TV show and America sundowns in China.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never went to China and shit all over American presidents.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Before we all take some time to enjoy this weekend and the remaining hours that President Dumbshit is out of the country, we wanted to break some news. As you know, the Washington Post is a sad, corrupt billionaire’s bitch taint of its former glory. And today we have learned that they have replaced the motto “Democracy Dies in Darkness” with “Fuck Them Poor Kids and Fuck Their Parents Too.” Yeah, it’s not that catchy, but they seem committed to it…

Yiiiiiiikes. So has everyone always been a hateful asshole or is this new because of Trump? Because holy fucking shit some of these freaks are just pure evil. There are reasons to not like Gavin Newsom.This ain’t one of them. In fact, you’d have to be a real heartless piece of shit to be opposed to this. The paper that exposed Watergate and brought down Nixon is now trying to bring down clothing poor kids. That’s not a fall from grace. That’s a psychotic break from humanity. How long until they’re running recipes for cooking and eating the homeless? When do we get a first-person travel piece from Bezos about hunting orphans for sport?

So our plea to you is please keep being your wonderful, awesome, compassionate, caring, loving, accepting and sexy selves. Because we desperately need you to balance out the American Psychos who are running amok at the Washington Post. Those sonsofbitches are fucking terrifying. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Kash Patel went snorkeling at the USS Arizona when he claimed to be working. But also what kind of fucking ghoul goes snorkeling among the corpses of dead U.S. sailors? More: HuffPost

Note three: Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito were big mad yesterday so something good must have happened for women. The abortion pill will remain available. But sadly it is too late for either of those gentlemen’s parents to take one. More: NBC News

Note four: Oh look. Another creepy asshole in Congress. Can we just throw them all out and start over? More: NBC News

Note five: Someone show this to John Roberts’s bitch ass…

Note six: Trump is very excited about his new nickname for us. We’re very excited for more people to watch this decomposing motherfucker explain it. LOL. Talk about loser shit. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Steve Kerr has always been so courageous in speaking out against Trump and gun violence. And Wright Thompson is maybe the greatest living American writer. When they both come together, it’s magic. More: ESPN

Note eight: The head of Border Patrol stepped down. Here’s a story from a month ago about how he loved to travel overseas for prostitutes. Remember when shit like this would have been a big scandal? More: Washington Examiner

Note nine: Trump’s friend Putin killed some more children. Remember when cankles was gonna end this war in one day? More: NBC News

Note 10: How many times does Trump get to accuse the New York Times of treason before they start doing But Her Emails coverage of his scummy ass?

Note 11: The good news is Mitch McConnell is about to no longer be in the Senate. The bad news is that whoever replaces him will be just as bad if not worse. More: Associated Press

Note 12: A new generation of racist scum also means a new generation of courageous civil rights warriors. We wish they weren’t forced to take up this fight. But we’re grateful that they are. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Israel says it will sue the New York Times over a Nick Kristof reported column that alleged pervasive sexual violence from Israeli soldiers. The NYT has stood by the column despite intense pressure to retract it. Frankly, we believe the NYT. More: The Guardian

Note 14: Gym Jordan had a rough night on CNN last night. It was so bad that Gym Jordan says he didn’t see a thing. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Here is Trump admitting that his stupid war has been a windfall for oil companies and he doesn’t care about how that affects “the little man.” Try to imagine the coverage if Obama had said anything like this…

Note 16: How unpopular isTrump’s war? Three Republicans in the House joined Democratic efforts to rein it in. Unfortunately, fuckhead Democrat Jared Golden voted for more war. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Should we all pretend to be shocked that Trump is trading stock in companies whose future he can influence? Yeah, fuck that. More: NBC News

Note 18: RIP the amazing Clarence Carter. For your listening enjoyment, here’s Strokin’... (WARNING: HIGHLY SEXUAL LYRICS; LIKE SERIOUSLY WE FORGOT HOW DIRTY THESE LYRICS ARE BUT IT SURE IS FUN)

Note: 19: We don’t want to ruin your weekend but…

Note 20: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to CBS, where David Letterman joined Stephen Colbert for a message to the network’s new asshole overlords…

Note 21: And on that well-said note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend and don’t spend it being mad that poor babies are getting free diapers. Because what kind of fucking asshole would do that? Love y’all!

A Heist
You know how Trump is suing the IRS and that’s a totally normal thing for a sitting president to do? Well apparently, he’s decided he will drop the suit in exchange for $1.7 billion in taxpayer dollars that would go to a slush fund that Trump can give to Jan. 6 scum or whomever he wants. He wouldn’t even have to tell us where the money is going. Even for this piece of shit, this is pretty goddamn corrupt. We dare him to do it. More: Associated Press

Turn Off the TV
So y’all know we’ve been screaming that Los Angeles cannot and should not elect Spencer Pratt as mayor. He’s a spoiled rotten scumbag reality show guy who has spent most of his adult life selling crystals when he wasn’t selling underage photos of Mary-Kate Olson to TMZ. Well, TMZ has become Spencer’s worst nightmare, reporting yesterday that Pratt already has a deal to film a reality show as mayor of L.A. if he wins. We don’t think this guy has a snowball’s chance in hell, but this should finish him off. More: TMZ, More: Variety

The End
Trump is on his way back from China and holy fucking shit was it ever a disaster. He spent so much time groveling and going out of his way to trash America and Biden. He refused to say if the U.S. stands with Taiwan. He fawned over Xi’s fucking ballroom. And he mostly kissed Xi’s ass, repeatedly talking about what a great world leader and friend he is. Xi did not say the same about Trump. Trump spent the whole trip being thirsty, as the kids say, and we are deeply embarrassed. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Africa’s top public health body has confirmed a new Ebola outbreak in Congo’s Ituri province.

A total of 246 suspected cases and 65 deaths have already been recorded in the new outbreak, the Africa Centres for Disease Control and Prevention said in a statement on Friday. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Louisiana voters will participate in a revamped and stripped-down state primary Saturday and decide the political fate of an embattled Republican U.S. senator targeted for defeat by President Donald Trump. More: Associated Press

The Pentagon has canceled plans to temporarily deploy 4,000 U.S.-based troops to Poland, two U.S. officials said, a surprise decision that renews questions about President Donald Trump’s expected troop cuts in Europe. More: NBC News

Donald Trump used part of his interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity, which aired on Thursday, to launch yet another attack on a female journalist.

This time, CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell — who interviewed Trump for “60 Minutes” in April — was the target. More: HuffPost

As Stephen Colbert’s tenure at CBS draws to a close next week, the “Late Show” host didn’t miss the chance to take some final shots at the network during Thursday’s show.

Colbert mocked the fact that CBS News anchor Tony Dokoupil was unable to get a visaahead of President Donald Trump’s state visit to China this week, forcing him to broadcast from nearby Taiwan. More: HuffPost

Donald Trump asked Chinese leader Xi Jinping if he took other leaders to the Zhongnanhai garden where they strolled on Friday, prompting mockery about the president’s thirst for “validation.” More: HuffPost

There are no known cases of hantavirus in the United States as of Friday morning, garnering a sense of hope stateside amid a global outbreak that has killed three people, sickened 11 and forced dozens into quarantine. More: NBC News

A mother of a 10-year-old boy said Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.) “crossed a line” by blasting her son’s essay on electric vehicles in a scathing letter that accused the child’s teachers of “indoctrinating him.” More: HuffPost