Stole her?!

It’s Wednesday. There are 461 days until the midterm elections. Trump vets his generals, WaPo remembers the children and Ghislaine Maxwell’s dirty offer.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It comes in handy when the president creeps us the fuck out.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, there are some days in Trumpland that just suck butt. There’s just no getting around it. Yesterday we saw Trump talking about a dead child sex trafficking victim as his property, we saw the Senate confirm a scummy henchman to the federal bench and we saw Cory Booker and Amy Klobuchar fighting each other. It was one of those days we almost initiated Plan Delta, in which we fake our own deaths and move to Mexico. But then we saw this…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! We really, really needed that. If you don’t know who Tim Burchett is, you’re pretty normal and lucky. He’s a Tennessee Republican who spends lots of time on CNN kissing orange bootie. So why did the horse kick his sorry ass? We found out…

Us: Hey horse!

Horse: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! You can just call me Gary.

Us: Ok, Gary. So why did you kick Tim Burchett?

Gary the Horse: Is that a serious question? That sick fuck voted to kick millions off their healthcare, and now he’s making excuses for goddamn pedophiles. He’s lucky I don’t have fists.

Us: Whoa. So this was on purpose?

Gary: Yeah, I actually care about the people in this country, and I’m sick of rich corrupt shitheads like Tim screwing them over. Also, he tried to have sex with me.

Us: He tried to have sex with a horse?

Gary: Totally. He has sex with lots of barnyard animals. It’s kind of his thing.

Us: Gross. But not surprising. Keep up the great work, Gar!

If there’s one thing we love about Trumpland, it’s how the rise of fascism creates opportunities for everyday people to become heroes. Well today’s hero is that fucking horse. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Well, the judiciary is pretty much dead now that Emil Bove has been confirmed to the bench. He is the scummiest of scum. Thanks to Senate Democrats for keeping this seat open for Trump. Great work, team. More: Balls and Strikes, The Hill

Note three: Whoa. CBS, which still sucks, is reporting that the original Epstein death tape didn’t have a missing minute like the one Bullshit Bondi put out. And yet today’s Washington Post says that the “storm over Epstein has calmed.” What a goddamn disgrace. More: CBS News

Note four: Trump is reportedly thinking about pardoning Diddy. That should definitely make the questions about being a gross sex criminal go away. More: Deadline

Note five: Every single time Trump talks he grosses us out. But talking about a woman like she’s property like this is next fucking level. We haven’t been able to stop thinking about this.

Note six: It was a scary night in Hawaii and on the West Coast as a massive earthquake in Russia set off tsunami alerts. We’re not out of the woods yet, but Sam’s dumb ass is still planning to surf today. Be safe out there! More: NBC News

Note seven: While we’re under a tsunami watch and parts of the country are roasting, Trump and his idiots have decided that climate change isn’t real and they want to stop fighting it. Been nice knowing y’all. More: Politico

Note eight: We’re getting more and more horror stories out of Trump’s El Salvador camp. Remember when we at least had the decency to at least be ashamed about Abu Ghraib? More: Pro Publica

Note nine: Roy Cooper raised almost $3.5 million in his first 24 hours as a Senate candidate. We’re pretty fucking disgusted with Senate Dems right now, but we still want this seat. More: Politico

Note 10: We have no idea what’s going on with Junior’s boobies, but this is the best he has ever looked.

Note 11: Would you like to know more about how the South Park creators made Trump’s tiny tallywhacker? Well we got you. More: HuffPost

Note 12: How fucked up is America right now? New York City’s next mayor is having to take steps to make sure he can get back into the country after visiting family in Uganda. More: NY Mag

Note 13: It sure seems bad to us that a total goddamn lunatic is trying to destroy our entire health research infrastructure. Maybe he likes cancer as a professional courtesy. More: Strat News

Note 14: We love Jessica Tarlov. She constantly goes into the lion’s den and tells truth to lying kiss-asses. And it really pisses off Trump. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We don’t watch Shark Tank. Is everyone on the show as creepy as this icky motherfucker?

Note 16: NBC is reporting that Passed Out Pete Hegseth might run for office in Tennessee. How the hell does the state that gave us Dolly Parton have such shitty taste? More: NBC News

Note 17: Trump’s DOJ just dropped charges against another protester in L.A. Seems to us like the protesters won the battle of Los Angeles. More: CBS News

Note 18: This isn’t politics related, but we were very happy to see that Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson might be dating. We don’t even know why. They just seem nice and we love love. Also, we’re super excited to see the new Naked Gun. More: People

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’ve gotta turn it over to the Dropkick Murphys, who recently dropkicked a certain orange pervo…

Note 20: And on that glorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And if not, just remember that at least you’re not some asshole who got kicked by a horse. Love y’all!

The predator’s Pentagon
With all the cruel and crazy shit going down, this story almost slipped through the cracks. But it’s an important one. The New York Times reported yesterday that Trump is now requiring all top generals to meet with him before they are promoted. We used to have lines between civilians and the military so that the civilians didn’t corrupt the military and use it as their own personal force. Those lines are now gone. Maybe Trump will get his wish of a U.S. military that shoots protesters in the leg. Or maybe his next coup will be backed by the U.S. Army. More: Associated Press

Can’t look away
We’re conflicted today. The Washington Post has become an absolute joke of a paper. Their whole staff has fled as Jeff Bezos remakes the Watergate paper into a Trump-loving rag. But today they did something we think is important to acknowledge. While the number of dead in Gaza is heavily disputed, WaPo says today that 60,000 are dead and that 18,500 of those were children. What makes today’s WaPo so stunning is that they listed the names of all 18,500 dead children. The tide of public opinion has turned against Israel’s war against Gaza, and we are seeing more and more people calling out the Israeli government for weaponizing starvation. We can’t believe we’re saying this to the zombie WaPo, but thank you for doing this. More: Washington Post

An ick offer
Ghislaine Maxwell is happy to testify in front of Congress, but only if they’ll let her get away with all of her gross and evil crimes. What a deal, right? In a letter to House Oversight Chairman James Comer, Maxwell’s attorney said she will testify in front of Congress if she’s given immunity first. While this seems like a joke, it’s important to remember that Comer and House Republicans have been covering for sex criminals for years so this isn’t really new territory for them. The GOP is positioning itself to make a child sex trafficker and rapist their star witness and ally, and we are damn determined to keep pointing that out. More: CNN

Today’s clips
Far-right Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) on Tuesday talked up what she claimed was her definite chance of winning the race to become the next governor of Georgia, boastfully writing online that “it’s not even debatable” and that “if I wanted to run we all know I would win.” More: HuffPost

The Federal Reserve has so far resisted President Donald Trump's aggressive pressure campaign to throw inflation concerns out and attempt to boost the U.S. economy with lower interest rates.

That's expected to continue Wednesday, as the central bank is expected to leave interest rates unchanged. If so, that’s likely to annoy Trump, who is already reshaping the global economy with his tariffs. More: NBC News

Male tarantulas are gearing up to look for a mate, leading to a surge of spider sightings in the Southwestern U.S. over the next few months. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump snapped at CNN Senior White House correspondent Kaitlan Collins when she confronted him about the new Jeffrey Epstein bombshell he dropped on Air Force One minutes earlier. More: Mediaite

A stunning new poll finds that a plurality of voters believe President Donald Trump was “involved” in Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes. More: Mediaite