Stark raving dumba$$

It’s Monday. There are 302 days until the midterm elections. The president tortures an American family, Walz drops out and Donald the Dove wants a world war.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So much for that goddamn resolution.

Note: And we’re back! And by we, we mean the newsletter. You didn’t think we were talking about America, did you? Because that’s a whole ‘nother mess. We missed you, Sexy Patriots! Almost as much as we miss America. Yes, things are royally fucked. That’s why we’ve decided to be the light in the darkness.

We know y’all have come to expect us to deliver a bunch of cussing and condemnations of shithead politicians who suck butt. But we’re turning over a new leaf. We’re going to be positive and helpful. For example, the old AltMedia would have seen this Uncle Fester-looking motherfucker on television this morning and told him to eat shit on the way to hell…

Ugh. This is normally where we would cuss that pile of shit to hell and back. But not today. No, today we’re going to do the right thing and offer this hoodied hog’s anus a ride to the military enlistment office. It’s been clear for a while that Fetterman is a blood-thirsty ogre, so we want to help him get in on the real action instead of just talking about it on tv like a pussy.

In fact, we are offering this service for all spoiled rotten beltway douchebags with war boners. Want to send kids to fight? Well, we can help you go with them. Don’t just talk about war from the Fox News studio; sign up! If these tough-talking bitches are so desperate for some action, then they should go fight. Or they can just stay here and go fuck themselves. Y’all have a blessed day. Except Fetterman. Fuck him.

Note two: Just a reminder (that you didn’t need) that health insurance premiums for Americans are skyrocketing. But hey, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed by invading Greenland. More: WZZM13

Note three: The New York Times is reporting that Trump went after Maduro because of his dancing and he won’t back Machado because she won the Nobel. Thank god this is all being taken so seriously. More: HuffPost

Note four: Maduro has his first court appearance in New York today. It’s gonna be pretty hilarious when he ends up with fewer felony convictions than Trump. More: NBC News

Note five: LOL! They’re trying to run the Iraq playbook to the letter. Puppy-killer says you don’t love America if you don’t support an idiot’s illegal war. LOL! Eat shit, Noem.

Note six: Mike Little Johnson’s pedophile-protecting Congress is back. We can’t wait to see what they don’t do. More: NBC News

Note seven: Remember when Trump told everyone that Ukraine tried to kill Putin? Well that was a lie. And now we know for sure that Trump is a fucking idiot who believes every lie Putin tells him. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Someone vandalized JD Vance’s home. It wasn’t us. We’re guessing it was a jealous futon. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Gym Jordan was so embarrassed by Jack Smith’s testimony that he dumped it on New Year’s Eve. Then he went back to covering for molesters. More: Yahoo News

Note 10: And now for a quick comedy break…

Note 11: In America, the oil companies get a heads up about war, but Congress doesn’t. Are we fucking great again or what? More: Mediaite

Note 12: We’re gonna talk about Melissa Hortman in the news section. But it’s an ugly story. So before we do that, we wanted to share this recent Rolling Stone story about how great she was. More: Rolling Stone

Note 13: Elon Leon’s and his gross Grok are allowing users to artificially undress women, including young girls. But his president buddy is also a pedophile so apparently nobody is going to do shit about it. More: The Guardian, Mediaite

Note 14: CBS is changing its name to C-BJ after spending the weekend giving blowjobs to Pete Hegseth and the rest of the dumbshit crew. NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note 15: Don’t worry, everybody. The Democratic Senate leader thinks the Republican Party is going to wake up any day now. Thank goodness for tough, clear leadership like this…

Note 16: While we were away, Zohran Mamdani was sworn-in, and his speech was fantastic. We heard three staffers at the New York Post shat themselves to death with outrage. More: Associated Press

Note 17: The drunken alleged rapist who is leading us into war is also cutting the pay of an actual American hero. Man, America really sucks right now. More: Mediaite

Note 18: We have to confess — we wouldn’t mind it if Candace Owens rotted to death in a French prison cell. Or really in any kind of prison cell. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the Critic’s Choice Awards from last night. Jimmy Kimmel, who Trump tried to shut up, won for best talk show and immediately thanked “Donald Jennifer Trump.” LOL. Outstanding. Congrats to Jimmy and the First fucking Amendment. More: USA Today

Note 20: And on that defiant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’alll had an awesome break and are ready to take on fascism some more. And seriously, fuck Fetterman. Love y’all!

Leave them alone!
Melissa Hortman’s kids are having to publicly beg the president of the United States to stop lying about their mother, who was murdered by one of the president’s supporters. Even for Trump, this is some grotesque shit. As part of his effort to wage war against Minnesota, Trump has targeted Hortman, claiming she was murdered by Tim Walz because of how she voted. This is an obvious and disgusting lie that millions of Trump scum are happy to believe and spread. So now the children are having to publicly ask Trump to stop. What a deranged piece of shit. As far as we can tell, there were zero questions about this to Trump administration officials yesterday. More: NBC News

Tim out
That Trump war on Minnesota claimed a political casualty this morning. Gov. Tim Walz announced he will not be running for a third term as governor. This sucks, but we get it. Frankly we don’t have any idea why decent people subject themselves to this shit. There are early reports that Amy Klobuchar is looking at getting in the race. We’re up against an election-denying crack-smoker, so we really need to win this one. More: NBC News, Star Tribune

Deranged
The president of the United States has lost his shit. Or whatever shit he was working with to begin with. Enjoying himself after killing more than 80 Venezuelans, Trump is threatening several wars now. He has no plan for Venezuela other than stealing their oil, but he is already threatening Cuba, Colombia, Denmark and Mexico. So instead of one Iraq War, he wants like a half-dozen of them. The press is treating this all like it’s totally normal. That’s why we wish this deranged idiot would announce his plans for imperialism while wearing a tan suit. This dumbfuck is really pushing hard for that peace prize, ain’t he? More: The Hill

Today’s clips
Keir Starmer has publicly backed the Danish prime minister over Donald Trump after she demanded that the US stop its threats to forcibly take over Greenland. More: The Guardian

It’s been a year of heartbreak and worry since the most destructive wildfires in the Los Angeles area’s history scorched neighborhoods and displaced tens of thousands of people. Two wind-whipped blazes that ignited on Jan. 7, 2025, killed at least 31 people and destroyed nearly 17,000 structures, including homes, schools, businesses and places of worship. Rebuilding will take years. More: HuffPost

Stephen Schwartz, composer of the hit musical “Wicked,” is no longer hosting a gala at the Kennedy Center this year following the Trump administration’s takeover of the performing arts venue. More: NBC News

Approaching the fifth anniversary of the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol, the official plaque honoring the police who defended democracy that day is nowhere to be found. More: Associated Press