Some redecorating plans of our own

There are 376 days until the midterm elections and 12 DAYS UNTIL THIS YEAR’S ELECTIONS! The FBI admits to zip-tying children, Trump blames farmers and Cuomo’s rough night.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. That’s why it can say FUCK NO to Elon’s robot army.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We were about to congratulate you on making it to the weekend when we learned the very disturbing news that it’s only Thursday. Goddamnit. It’s a bummer because our rage monster really needs a day or two off. He has been eating well this week as the president of the United States has demolished part of the White House and announced plans to steal our money. People are having to update their legos!

Ugh. This is awful. It’s such a desecration. And such an obvious and painful metaphor for what Trump is doing to this country. And all we can think about is… remodeling revenge. So we have come up with a five-point plan to right these wrongs and send a message to Red America about how it feels to see national monuments defaced and defiled. So here’s our plan…

1. Seize Mar-a-Lago

2. Kick out the gross scum after they scrub away every last crab and grain of syphilis

3. Rename it The Cankles J. Shithead Childcare and Domestic Abuse Center and Obama Library Annex

4. Demolish the White House ballroom and turn the rubble into a giant green concrete cock

5. Strap said concrete cock on the Statue of Liberty

We admit these are just some rough ideas, but we’re really partial to the Lady Liberty Dong thing. We think it’s a great way to remind Republicans what it feels like to get fucked by your own country. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News

Note two: That’s the kind of rant that sounds better in therapy. If you missed our session yesterday, you can check it out here. Thanks to everyone who joined us!

Note three: Trump and his drunken SecDef are on a murder spree. This ain’t Nobel Peace Prize behavior. It’s Ed Gein behavior. More: HuffPost

Note four: The FBI arrested two big NBA names this morning and charged them with illegal gambling. So you know neither of them is on the Epstein list. More: NBC News

Note five: “Wrecking ball” is the perfect messaging. Kudos to Gavin. Even if it does take from our favorite Miley song.

Note six: Trump is out here literally selling pardons, and it’s not even close to the most corrupt shit he’s doing. More: NBC News

Note seven: Shitty journalist Michael Wolff is suing shitty person Melania Trump. We’re rooting for the shitty journalist. More: NBC News

Note eight: John Fetterman has been hanging out on Fox News trashing Democrats a lot lately. We hope he enjoys it. We doubt they’ll have him back on after he gets his ogre ass whooped in his next primary. More: Mediaite

Note nine: It’s funny watching the Trump guys learn that Bibi is a corrupt asshole. It’s like the meme where the two Spidermen are pointing at each other. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Tammy Duckworth is sick and fucking tired of being smeared by Republican cowards…

Note 11: We’re not kidding about that Elon robot army shit. We’re so glad we’re not invested in Tesla or related to that total freakshow. More: Wired

Note 12: The U.S. debt is now at $38 trillion. Thank goodness Trump and Elon got rid of the waste, fraud and abuse. Man, Republicans really are full of shit about everything. More: Associated Press

Note 13: This seriously makes our fucking blood boil…

Note 14: North Carolina went ahead with its election-rigging map scheme. But it looks like Indiana GOPers don’t have the votes to do it despite nonstop pressure from the White House. More: NBC News, Fox59

Note 15: Want to know how bad the White House press corps sucks? Trump hasn’t been asked about his shitting video or the Jan. 6er he pardoned who was arrested for threatening to kill Hakeem Jeffries. What a fucking joke.

Note 16: Stephen A. Smith is a bitch, a poser and a big-mouth asshead. We’re glad to see him apologizing to Jasmine Crockett, but he can still eat shit, fuck off and kiss our asses. More: Mediaite

Note 17: We still hate Marjorie Taylor Greene. But man we love watching her fuck Mike Little Johnson’s miserable life. More: Huff Post

Note 18: Want to hear something really goddamn hilarious? Listen to Little Johnson trying to sound tough…

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to thank Sen. Jeff Merkley for his 23 hour Senate speech yesterday, calling out Trump’s “tyranny.” We’re sorry it didn’t get more attention. More: NBC News

Note 20: And on that welcome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there during a really stupid week. You’ll feel better once the Statue of Liberty is fixed. Love y’all!

Child abuse
The FBI was caught lying and saying that no children were zip-tied by agents during a raid in southwest Idaho. The agency said that reports that kids were zip-tied or hit with rubber bullets were “completely false.” Then, an hour later, they changed the story to no “young” children were zip-tied or hit with rubber bullets. So why the change? Well they were confronted with evidence that a 14-year-old U.S. citizen was zip-tied. Fucking liars and child abusers. As many people on social media pointed out, if these kids were nazis, then they could be 40 years old and the White House would still call them kids. More: Idaho Capital Sun

We blame farmers too
Trump is very mad that the farmers he’s fucking over are mad at him. In a social media post yesterday that would have been huge news if any other president did it, Trump told cattle ranchers that they just don’t understand that his dumbshit tariffs are the reason they’re doing so well and they should just lower their prices. This morning, Ag Sec Brooke Rollins was on Fox News saying there’s “frustration on both sides.” LOLOL! We want to feel sorry for the farmers, but they voted for this stupid crap. Instead we’ll feel sorry for the people Trump is starving. And that number is climbing big time. If you’re able to give to a local food pantry, please do. SNAP benefits are about to run out, and there are about to be a lot of starving Americans. More: ABC News, The Guardian

Cuomo sucks
Last night was the final NYC mayoral debate, and it got heated. The most important moment of the night was when Zohran Mamdani called out Cuomo to his fucking face about his sexual harrassment of women. After bringing Cuomo victim Charlotte Bennett as his guest to the debate, Mandani pointed out that she can’t say anything about what happened because of Cuomo’s lawsuits. So Mamdani spoke for her, and we wanted to stand up and cheer. After the debate, Cuomo’s team put out an AI video of criminals supporting Mamdani that was racist as hell, and then they quickly deleted it. But this morning, Cuomo went on a right-wing radio show and laughed as the host said that Mamdani would cheer if there was another 9/11. We’d say Cuomo is so desperate the he’s getting in the gutter, but he’s been there for a while. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
Top U.S. officials have hit out at the Israeli parliament’s move toward annexing the already occupied West Bank as Washington works to keep the Gaza ceasefire on track and build momentum toward a more lasting peace deal. More: NBC News

Immigration and Customs Enforcement has placed new recruits into its training program before they have completed the agency’s vetting process, an unusual sequence of events as it rushes to hire federal immigration officers to carry out President Donald Trump’s mass deportation policy, a current and two former Homeland Security Department officials told NBC News. More: NBC News

Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson threatened to “kick” a student’s “ass” this week after he accused Carlson’s late father of working for the CIA. More: Mediaite

Four family members of a Republican running for governor in Illinois were killed in a Montana helicopter crash, his campaign said Thursday. More: HuffPost

Less than two weeks out of California’s special election, Barack Obama praised Gov. Gavin Newsom’s (D) redistricting campaign to push back against what the former president described as a “brazen” effort by Republicans to give their party an edge ahead of next year’s midterm elections. More: HuffPost