Snubbed by the shrub
It’s Thursday. There are 544 days until the midterm elections. A long overdue win in North Carolina, Republicans flirt with a Medicaid massacre and a fake news trade deal.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t fire Elmo.
Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, if there’s one thing we sure appreciate, it’s a good snub. And if there’s someone we really hate, it’s Melania Trump. So you can imagine how delighted we were to see that ex-President George W. Bush said thanks-but-no-thanks to Melania’s unveiling of his mom’s White House portrait…
Goddamn that is hilarious. She’s like radioactive crabs with an accent. We laughed for a solid minute thinking about this, and we just had to know how Dubya broke the news to Trump’s trash wife. So we hacked his computer (the password was 1-2-3-4-5) and found the email he sent…
Hey Melanie!
Thanks for the invite, but I’ve got a thing. And thanks for making everyone forget how much I sucked. Y’all have really been a blessing. I was saddened to see how much you fucked up the Rose Garden, but if I had your life, I’d be destroying shit too. Also, don’t feel bad about stealing that speech from my friend Michelle. Next time just ask ChatSTD to write it for you. It’s almost as good as being smrt. Ok well thanks again and please lose my number. I don’t mean to be mean, but y’all are too fucked up for me and I killed millions with a bullshit war. I’m off to paint some boobies and dogs.
Sincerely,
The Dubs
Oof. Imagine being too horrible a human being for Bush the Butcher. The New York Times has a story today about how Melanie doesn’t live at the White House. It’s the kind of thing that would be a big scandal if we were talking about Democrats but everyone seems to agree that this first family is human garbage. Y’all have a blessed day. More: New York Times
Note two: There’s no new pope yet, but we have a good feeling that Pauly Shore is getting the gig today. Yeah, when Trump heard there was Black smoke, he tried to fire it. More: Associated Press
Note three: A lot of people are talking about AI right now, and so we thought it was important to tell y’all that this is a non-AI zone other than the occasional illustration that makes us laugh. Believe it or not, we write this crazy shit ourselves, in the dark, mad as hell and half-naked like any decent writers. Frankly, we have way too many typos to be AI. We just want y’all to know this here newsletter is made by real humans and that ain’t gonna change.
Note four: The economy is going in the shitter and House Republicans are spending the day on the Gulf of American/Mexico crap. This is such a dumb, dumb time. More: NBC News
Note five: So Nancy Mace clearly has a fetish and it’s making us all very, very uncomfortable. You know that expression “crazier than a shithouse rat?” Well we found the shithouse rat and it’s name is Nancy.
Note six: Sadly, that Elmo thing is real. He announced it on LinkedIn. Fire Elon; not Elmo! More: KHOU
Note seven: This John Fetterman shit is getting worse. It’s like Democrats went and got their own Jim Bunning. If you get that super dated reference, congrats on being a nerd like us. More: HuffPost
Note eight: Democrats need to be fighting against Trump’s crypto corruption. Period. We’ve seen way too many Senate Ds flirt with this shit. More: CBS News
Note nine: Everybody ready to die? Trump just swapped out a Fox News contributor for a “wellness influencer” who drinks raw milk to be Surgeon General. To be honest, we’re surprised he didn’t give the job to Don Jr. More: Associated Press
Note 10: Speaking of the brain worm butthead, we now live in a country where kids with autism have to stand up for themselves against an idiot administration.
Note 11: It’s tragic what Trump and Elon Leon have done to AmeriCorps. He really does want this country to be a total shithole. More: CBS News
Note 12: We had to double-check this one to make sure it wasn’t a repeat, but yet another navy jet has fallen in the ocean. Is Hegseth flying these fucking things himself? More: Yahoo News
Note 13: Want to be embarrassed as hell? The Trump administration is trying to force European countries to embrace its idiotic anti-DEI bullshit. More: The Independent
Note 14: The cost of a Ford just went up $2,000. Thanks, Trump. More: CBS News
Note 15: Well this is fucking horrible. Chef Andres is a living saint.
Note 16: Bill Gates is warning that Trump and Elon Leon are going to kill millions of kids. That’s a fact and for some reason our mainstream media simply doesn’t give a shit. More: Semafor, Mediaite
Note 17: Chief Justice John Roberts kinda sorta pushed back on Trump in the wimpiest way possible. What a wuss. More: HuffPost
Note 18: This is so fucking funny. Republicans hate and fear Marjorie Taylor Greene as much as we do. Well maybe not as much as we do. More: The Hill
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you the punk band Surprise Privilege, who played a show across the street from a Charlie Kirk event, dedicating a song to the right-wing extremists called “Fuck You.” More: SF Standard
Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week. And if not, just remember that at least you didn’t get stood up by the loser who started the Iraq War. Love y’all!
Fucking finally
Yesterday after we hit send, there was big news out of North Carolina where the Republican candidate for a state Supreme Court seat finally fucking conceded. Judge Allison Riggs is now officially on the state court despite open and shameful attempts by Republicans in the state to outright steal the election by throwing out overseas and military ballots. This was a close one, y’all. Thank goodness it worked out this way this time. More: Politico
How many?!
Republicans have lied over and over again that they don’t want to kick anyone off their health insurance. Now we know just how much they’re lying. The Congressional Budget Office said yesterday that the GOP plan to cut $880 billion from Medicaid would cut coverage for 8.6 million Americans and cut coverage altogether for 4 million Americans. Republicans really want us to work in their factories until we die in the goddamn streets. Reports are circulating now that endangered House Republicans are pushing back on Medicaid cuts while Senate Republicans are full-speed ahead. Work those phones, people. More: The Hill
Art of the Concepts of a Deal
If you’re really gullible like CNN, then you’re very excited for Trump to announce his first trade deal this morning. But if you’re not a moron like us, then you know this is fucking bullshit. Only Congress can ratify trade deals. So after lying that he has already made 200 trade deals (in a world with 193 countries), Trump finally has something he can show off to the world — concepts of a trade deal with a country that we get 2 percent of our imports from. Exciting shit, right? More: CNN
Today’s clips
A federal judge granted a temporary restraining order preventing migrants from being sent to Libya or any other third country after immigration attorneys filed an emergency motion Wednesday. More: NBC News
President Donald Trump derided Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell once again Thursday, a day after the central bank voted to not lower rates because of economic uncertainty created by tariffs. More: CNBC
President Donald Trump on Wednesday offered lukewarm support for Ed Martin, his embattled pick for U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia, whose nomination has been imperiled by opposition from at least one Republican senator. More: Politico
The Kennedy Center's so mad you would've thought someone stole a loaf of bread. More: EW
After 8 and a half hours of deliberation, the jury in the Tyre Nichols state case returned a blanket not guilty verdict for three of the former police officers charged with killing Nichols on May 7. More: Commercial Appeal
The latest from Adam and Sam
Janet Mills beats Trump and lets him hear about it
Janet Mills wouldn’t bend the knee. Instead, she kicked the ass.If you believe in independent, unfiltered political commentary that pulls no punches, we hope you’ll consider becoming a paid subscriber to TheAltMedia with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman. We’ve never had a paywall, accepted ads, or relied on outside investors—because the only people we answer to are you. This newsletter runs entirely on grassroots support, and every paid subscription helps us keep going, keep growing, and keep calling it exactly like we see it.
The latest from Adam
Maybe Nancy doesn't know which bathroom to use. She can't read the signs. Is it too late to change the World Cup to another country? If I were coming to the USA, I would certainly be having second, third and fourth thoughts about it. Especially after Vance said that they had to leave right after or maybe see ICE. What a Fuc___g asshole. I would not ever go to a country, whose VP said something like that. The sad thing is that it is probably true. World Cup go anywhere but the USA. Don't trust this government. Most of the people are not like that, but we can't assure your safety.
Congratulations Judge Allison Riggs!!! I accidentally saw the "Special Report" with Lutnick drooling over FOTUS on a trade deal with UK. Wondering if Kennedy could get the guy a Valium already! Nancy Mace-Oof. Can she be more irrelevant? What would we do without SNL, Kimmel, you guys and many more? Thanks for the sanity check up today.