Smile more
It’s Wednesday. There are 272 days until the midterm elections. ICE victims testify, Mark Kelly fights back and Epstein’s best friend is very touchy these days.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t fuck up the Washington Post.
Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, there is A LOT of news these days. Going from the Biden years to the endless chaos of Trump is like going from drinking from a bidet to drinking from a firehose. Or something like that. We don’t drink from the bidet. We swear. Not even that one time when Sam was really thirsty. Our point is that there’s so much chaos happening so fast that we occasionally miss stuff. For example, we don’t spend nearly enough time cussing out this little chode…
LOL WUT? Please tell us the Keebler Kiss-ass isn’t trying to bible-splain to the freaking pope. We’ve been shocked and appalled by the arrogance of that little shit for a long time now, but we have to imagine the pope is pissed. So we called him…
Us: Hey Pope!
Pope Leo: Hey boys! Great to hear from you. Love the newsletter.
Us: Thanks, Pope! So did you hear Mike Johnson talking shit?
Pope: Who?
Us: Mike Johnson. The speaker of the House.
Pope: Oh. I just call him Trump’s little bitch. I’m just kidding. I would never call him.
Us: Whoa. We weren’t expecting you to say that.
Pope: I’m sure. And I wasn’t expecting the speaker of the House to be such a little bitch.
Us: Ok fair enough. Would you like to say a prayer for him?
Pope: Sure. I pray he stops being such a little bitch.
Us: LOL! Looks like it didn’t work.
Wow. You heard it here first, folks. The pope really doesn’t like Mike Little Johnson. We’re guessing god doesn’t either. We’ll have to ask her next time. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Today Jeff Bezos is finishing off his destruction of the Washington Post with mass layoffs. Fuck billionaires. Fuck them right in their stupid faces. RIP to an American institution. More: CNN
Note three: Speaking of media, we often link to Mediaite. It doesn’t have a paywall, and it picks up lots of the salacious shit we love. But yesterday the site’s founder made a plea for Bari Weiss to keep an Epstein creep at CBS. So we won’t be linking to Mediaite anymore. Fucking creeps.
Note four: Renee Good’s brothers testified in front of Congress yesterday. Not one Republican could bother to show up. More: New Republic
Note five: This note is for elected Democrats everywhere — THIS is the energy we are looking for.
Note six: Tom Homan just announced this morning that they’re withdrawing 700 troops from Minnesota. It’s not enough. That leaves 2,000. Get them all out. And fuck Tom Homan. More: Associated Press
Note seven: Sen. Mitch McConnell was hospitalized this week. Thoughts and prayers or some shit. More: NBC News
Note eight: You can rest easy knowing that ICE’s attorneys are fucking miserable. LOL. More: MPR News
Note nine: Man, Bill Gates sure turned out to be a piece of shit, didn’t he? More: HuffPost
Note 10: Nancy Mace ain’t doing so great. But that ain’t exactly breaking news.
Note 11: So we’re all rooting for the Seahawks because Robert Kraft is Trump scum, right? Maybe we should have saved this note for the Happy Ending. Kraft likes those. More: Yahoo Sports
Note 12: We continue to be horrified by what Savannah Guthrie is going through. We’re sending love. More: HuffPost
Note 13: Coalie is adorable. Oh wait. That should read Coalie is going to kill us and our planet and he should be put down.
Note 14: This is amazing. Nicki Minaj doesn’t think the moon landing was real. We would love to send her there so she can confirm it for herself. LOL. What a fucking idiot. More: Meidas News
Note 15: Yesterday, Senators Durbin, Hassan, Kaine, Shaheen and Whitehouse all voted to confirm another Trump judge. We hope they eat their own shit. For all our talk of Fetterman, few senators have sold us out as often as Jeanne Shaheen. More: Congress.gov
Note 16: The Trump administration is buying warehouses to build a network of concentration camps. That’s not an exaggeration. It’s a terrifying, fucked up fact. More: Associated Press
Note 17: Hey look! There’s centrist moderate Susan Collins holding a red hat and getting a pat on the head from Trump. That cool with you, Maine?
Note 18: Yesterday House Democrats helped Republicans pass five spending bills and a two-week CR for DHS. That puts us on the clock. We have two weeks to rein in ICE. Be tough, Democrats. America needs you to be tougher than you’ve ever been. More: NBC News
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to D.C. No, seriously. The 19 Buddhist monks who have been walking for peace for 2,300 miles (with their dog) have almost made it to their destination. Despite the winter weather, they made it to Richmond on Monday. They should make it to D.C. next week. Let’s hope D.C. is listening when they get there. More: Fast Company
Note 20: And on that long note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great day. The pope says hi. He also said Trump is a little bitch. He seems to like that phrase. Love y’all!
Testify!
Marimar Martinez isn’t scared of the thugs who tried to murder. Even though they work for the federal government. Along with Renee Good’s brothers and Aliya Rahman, Martinez and other survivors of ICE’s reign of terror testified yesterday in D.C. She talked about how the officers who shot her laughed. She talked about their crude text messages where they bragged about shooting her. She talked about how her own government tried to “execute” her. We have two weeks to do something about this shit. We better fucking make it count. More: Chicago Sun-Times More: HuffPost
Hitting Hegseth
Mark Kelly isn’t here for Pete Hegseth’s bullshit. And it looks like a judge isn’t either. During a hearing yesterday, a George W. Bush judge seemed likely to rule in favor of Kelly, who is suing Hegseth for fucking with his rank and pay over a video Kelly made telling troops not to break the law. The government is actually arguing that retired members of the military don’t have freedom of speech. We look forward to the judge ruling quickly that Kelly is cool and Hegseth drools. More: NBC News
Something she said?
Trump wants Kaitlan Collins to smile more. That’s what he told her yesterday as he lashed out while she asked him pointed questions about the Epstein files. Despite saying two days in a row that Americans should move on, Trump is still getting questions about Epstein and he’s not handling them well. Collins was asking very relevant questions about Lutnick and Elon Leon being in the files (Collins was nice enough not to mention Melania being in there) when Trump snapped and called her “the worst reporter” and said she should smile more. Collins was unphased. We talk a lot of shit about mainstream media, and they mostly have it coming. But we are in awe of Collins’s courage in the Oval. She ain’t afraid of Trump. Her colleagues should take lessons. More: Deadline
Today’s clips
A complaint made about Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard months ago relates to an allegation that she withheld access to classified information for political reasons, according to a memo sent to lawmakers by the inspector general’s office and obtained by The Associated Press. More: HuffPost
Chinese President Xi Jinping and Russian President Vladimir Putin hailed their ties during a video call on Wednesday held in the run-up to the fourth anniversary of Moscow’s war in Ukraine. More: NBC News
Lindsey Vonn’s decision to compete in Alpine skiing at the Milan Cortina Olympics, despite a torn ACL, is risky but not unexpected, experts in orthopedics and sports medicine said. More: Associated Press
A U.S. Navy fighter jet shot down an Iranian drone that was approaching the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln in the Arabian Sea, U.S. Central Command said Tuesday, threatening to ramp up tensions as the Trump administration warns of possible military action to get Iran to the negotiating table. More: Associated Press
The wife of top Trump aide Stephen Miller, podcaster Katie Miller, said on Wednesday that the Epstein files are “a Democrat hoax.” More: Raw Story
Ryan Routh will be back in federal court Wednesday morning for the first time since he was found guilty last year of attempting to assassinate Donald Trump. More: NBC News
Thoughts and prayers for Mitch the Bitch? Fuck that; if he was on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put it out.
These never-ending torrents of bad news - Epstein, ICE, Voting Etc. - is a demoralizing military tactic used to take down societies, and it is being fully deployed here.
Obama explains the lengths they are going to: "You just have to flood a country's public square with enough raw sewage, you just have to raise enough questions, spread enough dirt, plant enough conspiracy theorizing that citizens no longer know what to believe. Once they lose trust in their leaders, in mainstream media, in political institutions, in each other, in the possibility of "truth", the games won."
Who is behind this? All is brought to you by - and serves the interests of - the 1% who own and control the media and most of the government:
Here is well over a dozen Fox, CBS, ABC, & NBC local news stations all reading an identical script sent down from their singular overlord to crash & burn alternative media in order to enhance the Oligarchy’s Overwhelming threat to our democracy:
https://substack.com/@tritorch/note/c-208406729
Ultimately we are not consuming news. We are consuming a product manufactured by the richest men in human history, and that product is designed to do one thing: keep us so busy fighting our neighbors that you never notice the chains being fastened around our wrists.