Secretary Serial Killer

It’s Thursday. There are 432 days until the midterm elections. The Air Force disgraces itself, back to school American style and RFK destroys the CDC.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to cuss out the scumbags who arrested firefighters who were fighting fires.

Note: If there’s one thing we know about you Sexy Patriots, it’s that you are good and decent people. And sexy. Very, very sexy. But also the good and decent thing. And because we know how good and decent (and sexy) you are, it’s somewhat notable to us that we’ve seen a clear uptick in the number of y’all wishing openly for a certain orange asshole to kick the bucket. Nobody is threatening anything, and we will absolutely tell you that violence or threats of violence are not acceptable. No, it seems that more and more people are just really rooting for natural causes. Has anyone ever paid this much attention to bruising? We sure haven’t.

That’s how bad things have become. The good and the decent and the sexy are pining for the day when we can say the orange is over and know it to be true. And we have to admit that on terrible, horrible, shitty days like yesterday, it is nice to know that nothing lasts forever. Even dumbfuck evil. But we also need to be ready to take action when the inevitable does happen. When that blessed day does come — and we are very clearly not rooting for anything bad to happen! — we’re all gonna want to be prepared.

That’s why we’re proposing everyone start holding in your shits. Yeah, we know it sounds crazy, but think about it — do you really want to be in the position to shit on that motherfucker’s grave and not have the package to make the delivery? We didn’t think so. So squeeze tight and hold it in, SPs. And someday, we’ll flush the toilet together. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We make a lot of stupid jokes here at TBS, but we do want to be clear that we don’t actually want anything bad to happen to Trump. We just want him to rot in prison and then in hell. Take it from us, you don’t want to get a visit from the Secret Service for making threats, so try to stick to non-violent cussing and humiliating memes.

Note three: We wish we were kidding about those firefighters being arrested. But Trump and his thugs are just that evil. Shit like this is why so many people are wishing for The Great Impeachment.

Note four: Wes Moore is the latest guv to get all the way under Trump’s gross skin. The commander-in-chief was up at 2 a.m. tweeting attacks on a Bronze Star winner. More: HuffPost

Note five: Russia launched a massive attack on Ukraine last night. It’s almost like that embarrassing shit in Alaska didn’t accomplish a goddamn thing. More: NBC

Note six: How Russian is Tulsi? Well she fired the CIA’s Russia chief and an undercover agent. So she’s VERY Russian. More: WSJ

Note seven: This poor mayor. We’re grateful for what he’s saying, but it fucking sucks he has to say it.

Note eight: Trump still hasn’t gone into Chicago. It seems possible that his bitch ass got punked by the awesome JB Pritzker. More: AP News

Note nine: This priest ain’t having it either. We’re not super religious, but fuck yeah, father.

Note 10: We just wanted to take a second to again laugh and cheer that Sandwich Guy wasn’t indicted. We love you, D.C.! Eat shit, Jeanine! Or better yet, eat a shit sandwich! More: NBC

Note 11: D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser, who took off to Martha’s Vineyard to get her daughter even as her city was being occupied, says that the occupation is just great. We get that she’s in a tough position, but selling out the citizens of her city is fucking gross. More: NBC

Note 12: Ya know that Florida concentration camp with the gross name? Well it’s closing despite all the PR and millions in tax dollars spent on it. Thank you to the Miccosukee Tribe for forcing the closure of this American disgrace. More: AP News

Note 13: You can love or hate Gavin Newsom (we often do both), but the man is right with this warning. And frankly there aren’t enough elected Democrats saying it. More: Mediaite

Note 14: Lisa Cook is suing Trump. Yessssss. Git his ass! More: Bloomberg

Note 15: We never thought we’d say this, but Gloria Gaynor can fuck right off. Goddamn this is a bummer.

Note 16: LOLOL! Sean Hannity left New York because people gave him dirty looks? All these tough guys sure are pussies. More: The Independent

Note 17: If you want to be madder and more ashamed than you are right now, then read this story. But be warned that it will have you spitting fucking nails. More: WUNC

Note 18: Seriously what the effing fuck is wrong with Republicans and why do they hate kids so goddamn much?!

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Texas. Yeah, we were shocked too. But when we found out that Republicans there have made it possible to get livestock medicine for humans over the counter, we just had to celebrate. They’re also suggesting hitting yourself in the face with a hammer to cure headaches. And leeches. Lots of leeches. What a bunch of fucking morons. More: NBC

Note 20: And on that not-really-happy note, let’s go do some news! We hope you’re having a lovely week. Also, we were kidding about holding in your poop. That’s really unhealthy. Love y’all!

So goddamn gross

This one might make you puke with rage. The Air Force is giving full honors to Ashli Babbitt. If you don’t remember who that is, good for you. Babbitt was the trashy terrorist who was shot and killed while attacking Congress. Trump is a big fan and has repeatedly praised this despicable traitor. Now he’s using the United States military to honor her. Between this and confederate statues, Trump sure does love loser traitors. Babbitt is not expected to attend the ceremony.

More: The Hill

America Worst

It’s Back to School time in America, which means more school shootings and more dead kids in a fucked country that loves guns more than children. Yesterday it was a Catholic school in Minnesota. The interviews and images are horrifying and, tragically, nothing we haven’t seen before. The Fox News crowd was quick to blame trans people and give guns a pass. And we continue on our tragectory of being a super shithole country. We’re sending love to Minnesota and fuck yous to eveyone who still refuses to do a damn thing about America’s gun violence pandemic.

More: Star Tribune

Real Fucking Killer Jr.

Turmoil has overtaken the CDC as newly installed director Susan Monarez was fired by the White House last night after refusing to resign. RFK Jr., who announced new covid vaccination policies yesterday that will get people killed, apparently wanted Monarez out but she refused to leave on her own. So RFK went to Trump to do his dirty work. As a result, other top CDC officials, including the dude who took out Monkey pox, resigned. It’s hard to describe just how dangerous and scary this Republican attack on public health really is. But if they’re too crazy for even their own appointees, then we probably haven’t been scared enough.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

Louisiana is asking the Supreme Court to gut the central provision of the Voting Rights Act and ban any use of race in redistricting. More: Politico

Barack Obama has pressed pause on his annual summer playlist. More: HuffPost

The White House said Thursday that it has fired a member of the Surface Transportation Board, a move that comes as the independent federal regulatory agency is considering the proposed merger of Union Pacific and Norfolk Southern railroad companies. More: NBC

President Donald Trump sparked the ire of many on Tuesday, including a sitting House Republican, when he claimed Ukraine went “into a war” with Russia. More: Mediaite

Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-La.), chair of the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions (HELP) Committee, says the departures of several high-level officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), including Director Susan Monarez, “will require oversight.” More: The Hill