SCOTUS says eff them kids

It’s Tuesday. There are 476 days until the midterm elections. MAGA media does as they’re told, SCOTUS screws over the children and Trump makes Schiff his latest Epstein distraction.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And today’s is just plain weird.

Note: Gather round, ye Sexy Patriots. We’re making history today. We’ve been writing this strange and profane newsletter for more than six years. And in those years — especially on desperate blank-page mornings — we have occasionally veered off into some pretty bizarre and fucked up places. Remember a few weeks ago with the whole thing about Mike Lee being born with rat nuts on his face? What can we say? Trumpland does strange things to people.

But today’s intro takes the cake. How do we know? Well we’re pretty sure we’ve never used the phrase “enthusiastically degenerate chronic masturbators” before. But here we are. And it all started when we saw this post from the author of a Rolling Stone story about Elon, Grok and the Pentagon…

What the… what do those words even mean? If you’re our age or above, then you probably had the same reaction we did i.e. what the hell is a “gooner?” Well, we looked it up. HUGE mistake. Mercifully, we were not at work or a coffee shop. As the linked article from the Defector explains, there are two definitions of a gooner. One is a fan of the Arsenal soccer (football) team, and the other is in reference to “a subculture focused on diabolically prolonged bouts of masturbation.” We wish we were making this up.

Now putting aside for a minute this shocking and unwelcome new vocabulary word, can we all assume that the Pentagon is not going to be working with an English soccer team? Ok cool. In that case, please allow us to ask WHAT THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING UNITED STATES FUCKING MILITARY DOING GETTING INTO BUSINESS WITH AN ARITFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BOT THAT CALLS ITSELF HITLER AND SUPPLIES GOONERS WITH WEIRD ASS GOONER SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO THIS COUNTRY AND WHERE DID ALL THESE FUCKING FREAKS COME FROM?! WHAT KIND OF ENDLESSLY WEIRD SHIT HATH DONALD J. TRUMP UNLOOSED UPON THIS BROKEN WORLD?!

Sorry to shout, Sexy Patriots. Like we said, today is a weird day here at Today’s Big Stuff. We are outraged, confused and thoroughly grossed out. So in that respect, it’s just another day in a world where Trump is president. There are two links below if you’d like to learn more. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. They’re both pretty fucking obscene. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Defector, CBS News

Note two: Inflation is up. Didn’t we just have a whole damn election about this one issue? Thanks, Trump. More: PBS News

Note three: It’s a Tuesday, so people are voting. If they’re voting where you live, you should get in on the action and vote against assholes. More: Bolts

Note four: We are big fans of former President Obama, but we think he’s off here. Donors and leadership might be “whining” and in the “fetal position,” but every person we know has been protesting in the streets and fighting like hell. We sure as shit weren’t off building a new compound in Hawaii. More: HuffPost

Note five: It’s a cover-up! House Republicans voted last night to block the release of the Epstein files. So the entire Republican Party is covering for a child-rapist human trafficker. We wish we could say we were surprised. Democrats are gonna try again this afternoon.

Note six: Well this is just perfect. The House Republican asshole who is going after Biden for using an autopen used a digital signature to send out subpoena notices. So they don’t count, right? More: NBC

Note seven: It’s so weird that Trump has done a total 180 on helping Ukraine. But what’s even weirder is that he says Melania was the person who made him realize he was being played by Putin. We know he’s dumber than dog shit, but we had no idea he was THIS dumb. Shouldn’t it be a scandal that our super masculine president got called out by his wife for being Putin’s bitch? Or that he really thought Putin was his friend? More: The Guardian

Note eight: We had never heard of the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club before this week, but now we’re big fans. We still haven’t heard their music, but we love that they told DHS and Kristi Noem to “go fuck yourselves.” More: Loudwire

Note nine: Trump is killing cancer research. As a cancer on this country, he’s likely doing it as a professional courtesy. More: The Guardian

Note 10: Wow. Even Dick Durbin is getting in on the Epstein dunks. And he ain’t exactly our toughest brawler.

Note 11: If you haven’t seen the story of the little league coach who told ICE to fuck off, then you need to. There are heroes everywhere. More: MSNBC

Note 12: Emil Bove is getting his confirmation vote to be a judge Thursday. He has refused to condemn Jan. 6 or say that Biden won in 2020, and he was part of the corrupt Eric Adams pardon. No way this slimy motherfucker should be on the bench. More: The Hill

Note 13: Remember a few weeks ago when we said we were freaked out that Rand Paul was making sense? Well he’s back to being a butt-brained dumbshit, so everyone can relax.

Note 14: Does anybody have room on their couch for a Republican congressman who may or may not have assaulted his mistress? Yeah, we don’t either. More: NBC

Note 15: We should have mentioned this yesterday, but Jaime Alanis was a farmworker who fell off a roof running from ICE last week. He died. RIP Jaime, and fuck ICE. More: The Guardian

Note 16: We are not Rahm Emanuel fans, and we hope he runs for president just so we can vote against him. This is the most accurate photo of him we’ve ever seen.

Note 17: Imagine if Biden had been tasked with presenting a trophy and then stole the damn thing. With Trump it’s just a normal news story. More: The Independent

Note 18: If you’re not already pissed off enough from today’s news, then be sure to read this story about how Kyrsten Sinema is still spending campaign funds to live high on the hog. This is John Fetterman’s dream. More: Notus

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Congress and Hank Johnson. Is this cringey as hell? Yes. Yes it is. But it also keeps us talking about the Epstein scandal, so keep singing Hank!

Note 20: And on that musical note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start. Or at least we hope it was before we told you about gooners, Grok and the Pentagon. Dog help us all. Love y’all!

Trump’s cucks

This weekend, Trump went to Truth Social to tell his cult to stop asking questions about Epstein. And the people who call themselves media in that gross world were only too happy to comply. Charlie Kirk said he is done talking about it. Dinesh D’Souza said it’s time to move on. And Media Matters found that Fox mentioned 158 times yesterday and Epstein only eight times. So the pretend media are happy to cover up for pedo Trump and his pedo buddies. How long until the mainstream media follows them?

More: The Independent, Media Matters

Fuck them kids

The Supreme Court decided yesterday that Trump can take a wrecking ball to the U.S. Department of Education. You might wonder why the majority would do this. Well, you’ll have to keep wondering because the right-wing judges didn’t even bother to explain their decision. Thank you to the three liberal judges for dissenting and making clear what absolute horseshit this is. Maybe America should be more outraged that this court wouldn’t let Biden forgive student loans but will let Trump take a giant shit all over the education of kids everywhere. Are we not already a dumb enough country?!

More: AP News

Look over there!

Inflation is up and his base is realizing he’s a pedophile piece of shit, so Donald Trump is desperate for another distraction. Adam Schiff is the lucky beneficiary of Trump’s latest distraction attempt as the president took to Truth Social this morning to accuse Schiff of mortgage fraud. This is bullshit of course, but it was only a matter of time before Trump sent his administration flunkies after his political opponents. Here’s what really fucks with us — Schiff voted for yet another Trump nominee yesterday (h/t Arturo Garcia). What in the world are we doing here?

More: The Independent

Today’s clips

Rep. Maxwell Frost (D-Fla.) is sounding the alarm over what he calls the “horrible” conditions at Florida’s new immigrant detention center, which members of President Donald Trump’s administration have callously promoted and dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz.” More: HuffPost

Israeli settlers in the occupied West Bank beat a U.S. citizen to death, according to local officials, during a Friday confrontation between a group of Israelis and Palestinians. More: NPR

The Justice Department’s senior ethics attorney, a position tasked with ensuring all employees abide by the department’s moral principles, announced Monday that Attorney General Pam Bondi had fired him. More: HuffPost

Fox News chief political analyst Brit Hume on Monday said one thing is now “clear” from President Donald Trump’s most recent comments expressing his frustration with Russian President Vladimir Putin. More: HuffPost

“The question that Europeans and Ukrainians are asking,” according to Ivo Daalder, former United States ambassador to NATO, is “how real is this change? And how lasting is this change? And what does it really mean in terms of American policy toward the region?” More: NBC