Russia did not pay for this

Today’s Big Stuff. September 5, 2024.

It’s Thursday. There are 61 days until the general election. Liz Cheney goes blue, Russia bought some right-wingers and Trump has fundraising problems. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity, but at least it isn’t funded by Putin.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we have much to discuss today. There is a lot of big important news happening, and we are eager to get to it. But first we want everyone to join us in pissing themselves laughing at this… More: Variety

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! We don’t even know where to begin. First, someone tell Megan that the public humiliation train left the station a long time ago and it ain’t coming back. Second, she wants to run for office? Oh that’s hilarious. Someone who has literally never done anything other than be a spoiled rotten moron coasting on her daddy’s name and making a career out of being on television without actually knowing anything… oh shit she’s going to win something isn’t she? We can see the campaign motto now — Vote Megan: Don’t You Know Who Her Father Was?!

Anyway, we think she is the absolute worst, and we really hate her when she trashes MVP and Tim Walz because they are cool and she sucks and it’s really obvious to everyone. Yes, we went total petty Mean Girls today and we don’t regret anything. Eat shit, Megan. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We know we’re spelling her name wrong, but we don’t think she’s worth looking up to get it right.

Note three: House Republicans sent a subpoena to Tim Walz yesterday. Yeah, the people who complain about weaponizing the government sure enjoy weaponizing the government. Don’t worry. This is stupid, and the American people won’t buy it. More: Huff Post

Note four: Remember when Trump said he didn’t care if the mics were kept on during next week’s debate? Well that was another lie. His people drew a line in the sand over this, and MVP reluctantly agreed so Trump wouldn’t chicken out. He is right to be worried. More: Politico

Note five: Yesterday America celebrated Back to School season with a shooting at a school in Georgia that killed at least four people. Yeah, a 14-year-old used an AR-15 to kill two teachers and two students. This shit has to fucking stop. And there’s only one candidate who seems interested in stopping it…

Note six: Trump had a town hall event with Sean Hannity in Pennsylvania last night. Except we don’t think it actually counts as a town hall if he doesn’t take a single question from the audience. Between this and Jupiter Dongmouth (JD) Vance hanging out with Tucker Carlson and Charlie Kirk, it really is telling how much these guys are saying in safe spaces. Well, safe for them.

Note seven: We spent all morning debating whether to make the previous note Melania Trump’s tweet from this morning about her new book. It’s so awful and so dumb that it’s honestly one of the funniest fucking things we’ve ever seen. But ultimately we decided not to give her any more publicity. But still, if you see it, you’re gonna be cracking up. More: NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note eight: Trump was back in court this morning, sorta. He wasn’t there, but he was re-arraigned on the new superseding indictment from Jack Smith. Trump’s lawyers continued to push for more delays while Smith and Judge Chutkan appeared eager to get moving even though Chutkan acknowledged that a trial won’t happen for “months.” This is such bullshit. Thanks, SCOTUS! More: Huff Post

Note nine: Did you see all the right-wing losers excited about the Walz family endorsing Trump? Well it turns out they’re distant cousins that the cool Walzes don’t even know. And yeah, that’s how you pluralize Walz. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Yikes. Want to see someone who has no idea what they’re talking about? Then check out this clip of Jelly Doodynuts (JD) Vance talking about how to pay for daycare…

Note 11: Dark Brandon is planning to block the sale of US Steel to Nippon Steel. We don’t actually know the details here, but stopping this sale to a foreign company seems like smart politics to us. More: CNBC

Note 12: Yesterday MVP dropped her small business plan and it’s so good that even Fox Business hosts and the chairman of the RNC said it was a good idea.  More: CBS News

Note 13: You might not have noticed this in all his idiotic rantings, but Trump actually admitted he lost the last election by a “whisker.” We still call bullshit. 7 million votes ain’t a whisker. More: NBC News

Note 14: NFL football is back, and that would be fun except Trump makes everything gross. For example, we were excited to root for Patrick Mahommes until Trump praised Mahommes’s wife for liking his posts on social media. Now we’re rooting for Baltimore. More: The Hill

Note 15: Keep calling these weird fuckers weird. It’s breaking what’s left of their weird brains.

Note 16: Baron Trump is going to college at NYU. So yeah, everything his dad said about New York City was total bullshit. Or Trump doesn’t care about his son. Either one seems totally possible. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Ron DeShithead is messing with Florida’s abortion referendum because he doesn’t want the people to have a say. Remember when Florida was part of America? More: TampaBay.com

Note 18: We don’t follow Brazilian politics that closely and this is not an endorsement of Lula. But damn it’s nice to see someone stand up to Elon Musk’s punk ass. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you Tim Walz doing Tim Walz things. Try not to smile. We dare you.

Note 20: And on that wholesome note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all don’t mind that we used the whole opening note to make fun of Megan McCain. We just think she sucks that much. Love y’all! 

Upside-down
We’re never gonna get used to saying shit like this but thank you, Liz Cheney. Yeah, it’s just endlessly bizarre to us to be praising a Cheney, but here we are. Yesterday, Darth Vader’s daughter endorsed MVP Harris, which we really appreciate. Way too many Never Trump jackasses have said they won’t support Trump but they won’t support Harris either. That’s stupid. Anyway, we’re grateful to Liz for doing the right thing, and we are forever mystified how a Cheney turned out to have the only fucking soul in the Republican Party. More: Associated Press

Bought and paid for
So you know those right-wing podcast dickheads who love Trump and for some reason always end up using Russian talking points? Well it turns out they were being paid by Russia. Yeah, Putin paid Benny Johnson, Tim Pool, Lauren Southern and some other adult virgins to do their thing. Of course, Republicans and Fox News rallied around the useful idiots instead of condemning them because there is zero daylight between Putin and the Republican Party these days. More: CNN

Money problems
Trump released his August fundraising totals yesterday and he seems to be having trouble getting it up. His fundraising that is. Trump raised $130 million last month, which is a lot of money, but it ain’t as much as the $139 million he raised in July or the $210 million he raised in August 2020. Maybe people are tired of paying his legal bills. Or maybe they lost all their money investing in Truth Social. Either way, sucks for Donnie. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
Jury selection is scheduled to begin Thursday in Los Angeles federal court in Hunter Biden's trial on tax-related charges. More: NBC News

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Thursday was as clear as he has ever been about how he views a ceasefire and hostage agreement with Hamas.

“There’s not a deal in the making,” he told Fox News. “Unfortunately, it’s not close.” More: CNN

Former President Donald Trump is expected to unveil a slate of new economic plans Thursday during his remarks at the Economic Club of New York, including proposing the creation of a presidential commission focused on government efficiency first proposed by Elon Musk, a source familiar with his speech told CNN. More: CNN