Runnin’ Republicans

Happy Friday. There are 95 days until the midterm elections. The president is a mob boss, what Obama really thinks and Trump wants his slush fund.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Almost as well as Hunter Biden.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, maybe it’s our fault for making an assumption. But after years of watching Republicans eat gameshow host shit, we just figured they aren’t that quick. Can you blame us? But it turns out we were wrong. Republicans are actually very quick. Just watch this sonofabitch run away…

Whoa. Mike Collins might be a white supremacist/nazi piece of shit, but he’s got some wheels on him! He ran from those reporters like they were expecting teen mothers asking for help. Dude is really greased lightning when he gets asked about his fuckhead son and all his racist buddies. And it ain’t just Mikey who’s running. Ken Paxton is basically Usain Bolt, if Usain Bolt was a criminal scumbag who cheated on his wife, got impeached and deserved to eat shit in hell. And Ken should be scared after yesterday’s Fox News poll shows him losing by 3 to James Talarico.

So what’s our takeaway from all of this? We’ve got these dirty motherfuckers on the run. They are running away, they are running behind and they are running scared. And their big orange daddy can’t save them. So full speed ahead, Sexy Patriots. They can run, but they can’t hide. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Fox News

Note two: We had a very productive therapy week. And man we really needed it. If you missed yesterday’s session, you can check it out here…

Note three: Republicans took food aid away from 1 million kids last year, and they think that’s a good thing. Sick fucks. More: HuffPost

Note four: Remember how Bernie Moreno is a gutless coward who likes to take on Dr. Fauci but won’t go after the man who abused his daughter? Well that man, Rep. Max Miller, was allegedly also accosting the woman’s legal team. And Republicans are backing him all the way. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’ll be honest — we had not heard of Oliver Larkin until yesterday. But we are big fans now…

Note six: Great news, everybody! Trump says he got Hamas to disarm. What’s that? You don’t believe him? You’ve heard this bullshit before? Well we guess that’s fair. More: NBC News

Note seven: Going back to Max Miller for a second, you gotta see how Gym Jordan freaked when he got pushed on his friend’s abuse of his wife and child. Gym sure loves to cover for abusers. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Are you an American who wants to be super fucking embarrassed of your country? Well then just read this piece about how the State Department used AI to create a map of Africa that got literally every country wrong. Great work, Marco! More: The Guardian

Note nine: Add FIFA and the World Cup to the long list of cool shit that Trump broke. More: AP

Note 10: Need a new ringtone? Might we suggest the soothing sounds of Vivek Ramaswamy getting booed to hell and back?

Note 11: We really need this Michigan primary to be over. It is ugly as fuck, and we’re not sure some of the things being said can be un-said. NO LINK JUST LOOK ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Note 12: The Washington press might not give a shit about the Epstein survivors, but Katie Phang does. And that’s bad news for Trump and Todd Blanche. More: MeidasNews

Note 13: We think of ourselves as Hall of Fame cussers. But Hunter Biden might be the GOAT…

Note 14: Remember Kim Davis? She was the clerk who refused to give a gay couple their marriage license. Well she’s still lying and being trash, and we are not even a little surprised. More: People

Note 15: Tina Peters is helping Trump try to rig the midterms. So we’d like to once again like to invite Jared Polis to go fuck himself. More: MediaMatters

Note 16: It’s paywalled, but the NYT has a story out today about how the audiences for right-wing media are disappearing. Is it possible the cult has had enough? More: New York Times

Note 17: LOLOL!!! If you’re the person who did this, please let us know so we can buy you a beer…

Note 18: We have good news and bad news. The good news is they are making a series that will be a sequel to Clueless. The bad news is it will be on Paramount. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we hope this puts as big of a smile on your face as it did ours…

Note 20: And on that rockin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. And if you see any Republican Senate candidates, get out of the way. They’re in a hurry. Love y’all!

Shakedown Street

Trump sucks at everything except corruption. He is really fucking good at being corrupt. Maybe the best ever. The Wall Street Journal has a story about how Trump calls his shakedown secretary — known as the “princess of darkness” — every night to tell her which executives to call and how much money to tell them they need to donate to “the boss.” For reasons we will never understand, this is treated by the rest of the press like it’s totally normal. It ain’t. And if we win the House and Senate back this fall, whoa boy are we gonna do some investigating.

More: Wall Street Journal, The Independent

Say This at a Rally!

This is just the greatest thing we’ve seen all week. According to Dr. Fauci’s diary, President Obama reached out to him with some choice words for Trump and Don Jr. Yes, the real president called Trump “a hopeless idiot” and a “pathological liar.” And what did 44 call Don Jr.? A “fucking moron.” LOLOL!!! When he’s right, he’s right! This whole attack on Fauci has turned our goddamn stomachs, but we are super grateful for this revelation.

More: HuffPost

He Admit It!

So yesterday Trump said he is fine with pulling Todd Blanche’s nomination until such time he can replace Sens. Cornyn and Tillis with more pliable Republicans. He doesn’t seem to get that at least one of those seats — and maybe both — is about to be filled by a Democrat. But that’s ok. And to be honest, we expect one or both of those guys to cave at some point. But what’s really revealing here is that Blanche has repeatedly told everyone that he doesn’t need to put it in writing that the Jan. 6 slush fund is dead because just saying it is sufficient. And then this morning Trump got on Truth Social and made it clear that Blanche has been lying. Trump still very much wants his slush fund so he can put our money in the pockets of child molesters and cop beaters. Fuck that and fuck him.

More: WMBD Radio

Today’s clips

LOS ANGELES, July 30 - A movie producer is seeking $105 million in damages from Netflix after he says a copy of his unreleased Nicolas Cage movie was stolen from the streaming service’s studios in Hollywood. More: NBC News

New York’s attorney general sued prediction market operator Kalshion Friday, claiming that its platform violates state laws against illegal gambling. More: NBC News

NEW YORK — Who will be there each morning with Solange French’s eggs at breakfast, and who will be ready with soup or fish at lunch? When the 91-year-old needs help in the shower, who will rush to her side, and when it’s time for a doctor’s appointment, who will take her? Who will do the laundry or buy the groceries or clean the house?

Until now, the answer has been a doting home health aide from Haiti named Martha Nelson. But with the Supreme Court sanctioning a White House immigration crackdown, Nelson’s permission to stay in the country appears likely to be yanked within days, leaving French worried. More: NBC News

An attorney for the family of Nolan Wells said Thursday that they have hired audio engineers to review a distress call made from a boat on the day of his disappearance, which has prompted online speculation and claims of defamation amid the ongoing investigation into the 18-year-old’s death. More: WDEF

DALLAS (AP) — One of Scouting America’s biggest gatherings has eliminated dedicated spaces for gay youth, women and scouts of color as the organization faces pressure from the Pentagon to pull back diversity efforts. More: AP

SEATTLE (AP) — Seattle’s police chief resigned Thursday amid criticism that the city was slow to release key information about a fatal shootout at a food festival last weekend. More: AP

SAN FRANCISCO, July 30 (Reuters) - Anthropic said on Thursday some of its Claude AI models had hacked into the systems of three companies during cybersecurity tests, a disclosure that comes days after rival OpenAI revealed that one of its AI agents went on a rogue attack. More: HuffPost