Robert E. Loser
It’s Wednesday. There are 510 days until the midterm elections. ABC cowers (again), the troops boo democracy and California pushes back.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it never had dinner with Steve Bannon like Fetterman’s punk ass.
Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we love you. We really don’t say it enough. Our love for you is deeper than the deepest ocean. And yet, it still pales in comparison to how much Trump loves traitors. Yeah, he’s got a treason kink. The only thing giving his little shroom any life is the idea of scumbag shitheads selling out the good ol’ USA. Whether it’s the Jan. 6 garbage or long dead slavers, the man just loves a good turncoat…
Gross. Remember when New York Times reporters just weren’t sure if Trump is racist or not? Wonder if they’re still confused. Anyway, we wanted more on this disgusting display so we dug up Robert E. Lee’s dusty ass and fake interviewed him.
Us: What’s up, Robert E. Loser?
REL: Ha! Good one, guys! Love the newslet…
Us: Nope! So did the news get to hell that Trump is illegally renaming a U.S. military base after you?
REL: Gosh, no. Does he not know I was a traitor and a total slaver piece of shit?
Us: Actually we think that’s why he likes you.
REL: That’s pretty fucked up. I was a dirtbag and a loser. I don’t even use my real name anymore. Down here I go by Leslie.
Us: So you don’t like Trump?
REL: He’s a big hit down here, but I don’t like draft-dodgers.
Gosh. Even Leslie is dunking on Trump for being a bone-spurs bitch. Anyway, it really sucks that the confederacy is back and has a good friend in the Oval Office. Fuck ‘em all. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: It’s over. Elon Leon has officially surrendered and said he regrets his tweets about Trump last week. Yeah, the ketamine wore off and he remembered that he’s the same chickenshit who backed out of a fight with Mark Zuckerberg. Good luck to weird super dork on ever acting tough again. More: CNBC
Note three: We learned something yesterday. Apparently it’s ok and not a scandal for the Speaker of the House to threaten violence against a Blue State governor. Yeah, the civility police in the press didn’t care at all that Mike Little Johnson said he thought Gavin Newsom should be “tarred and feathered.” We think Mikey should have to go do it himself. Can someone get him something to stand on? More: ABC News
Note five: If you are protesting Trump’s bullshit birthday parade, please be careful. And loud. And really, really obnoxious.
Note six: Why do we say Fuck ICE? Because they detained and bullied a nine-month pregnant U.S. citizen. So yeah, FUCK ICE. More: NBC Los Angeles
Note seven: Last night MSNBC reported that Trump’s SS troops will also be invading Chicago, New York, D.C., Seattle and Philly. Be careful and unwelcoming.
Note eight: We’ve obviously got bigger problems right now, but our national soccer team sure does suck ass. Thanks, Trump. More: CBS Sports
Note nine: Trump is killing FEMA. Try to imagine how that would be treated if Obama or Biden did it. More: CNN
Note 10: These are American troops practicing to attack and assault Americans. Fuck every single reporter who thought fracking was the most important issue last year.
Note 11: It continues to be of great concern to us that total fucking idiots are wrecking our scientific research institutions. But only because we’re not deadly diseases. More: HuffPost
Note 12: John Fetterman was spotted at a DC MAGA hangout with Steve Bannon. Does anyone else wish this fatheaded fuck would just go ahead and switch parties? More: The Hill
Note 13: We’ve figured for a while that Trump’s birthday parade was going to be REALLY bad politics for Republicans. Apparently they think so too because most of them are skipping it. We assume they’ll just send their lips so they can continue kissing orange ass. More: POLITICO
Note 14: We have repeatedly warned that Christians are looking to break up American families. Yesterday the Southern Baptists confirmed it. Then they went back to molesting kids at bible camp probably. More: USA Today
Note 15: Remember when Republicans used to care about small businesses and free speech? Well it turns out they were totally full of shit.
Note 16: Tulski Gabbard put out the weirdest most embarrassing video we’ve ever seen from an elected U.S. official. It’s pure Russian propaganda, and even other Republicans were embarrassed for her. More: Jewish Insider
Note 17: They indicted Rep. LaMonica McIver yesterday. We look forward to the day she’s acquitted by a jury. Until then, we hope Alina Habba fucks all the way off. More: AP News
Note 18: Trump is about to start loading up Gitmo, including sending citizens from allied nations there. We assume he’s saving a room for us too. He can still kiss our hot asses. More: Independent
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to L.A., where supporters of LAFC had a message for Trump’s stormtroopers. Give ‘em hell, Los Angeles.
Note 20: And on that defiant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there while your country is being turned into an idiotic dictatorship. If not, just remember that you’re not such a piece of shit that you had to change your name in hell. Love y’all!
Absolute Bitch Cowards (ABC)
So after the Trump White House demanded he be disciplined for telling the truth, Terry Moran is out. Moran committed the unforgivable crime of criticizing Stephen Miller, and the gutless chickenshits at ABC, who already tried to bribe Trump once, rolled right over. Meanwhile, CNN’s Jake Tapper continued his public attacks on the Democratic Party, retweeting a conservative who said that only John Fetterman truly understands how annoying Democrats are. So if you’re keeping score at home, you get fired for telling the truth about nazi scum, but you’re just fine if you want to trash Democrats all day. Liberal bias our ass.
More: NPR
Fucking scary
In a speech that was fucked up even by his standards, Trump led U.S. troops in uniform to boo democratically-elected leaders in California. We have to be honest. This one fucked us up a little bit. We’re not surprised some of our Fox News-watching troops are Trumpers, but it’s damn terrifying seeing how excited they are to carry out his vengeful orders against their fellow Americans. Instead of any condemnation from military leaders, we saw them on Fox this morning talking about how great it is that Trump has such a great “connection” with “his army.” We’re not sure how to put a silk hat on this terrifying fucking pig.
More: The Hill
Git his ass
We’re really liking non-podcast Gavin Newsom. With his state under siege by an orange idiot and the U.S. military, Newsom delivered a strong speech last night that called out Trump’s illegality and even called him a “failed dictator.” The speech came after California sued to stop the occupation, but a judge was in no rush to do so, which is pretty fucked up. This is a big damn test for Democrats. They can either stand with the people who elect them or they can try to kiss that Fox News ass. They can’t do both, and we’ll be keeping score. Hang in there, California. We’re with you!
More: Governor of California, The Hill
Today’s clips
Mikie Sherrill, a four-term Democratic congresswoman, and former Republican state Rep. Jack Ciattarelli have won their parties’ nominations for New Jersey governor. More: CNN Politics
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was met with sharp questions and criticism Tuesday by lawmakers who demanded details on his move to deploy troops to Los Angeles, and they expressed bipartisan frustration that Congress has not yet gotten a full defense budget from the Trump administration. More: AP News
The White House broke ground Monday on construction projects ordered by President Donald Trump to pave over the grass in the Rose Garden and install flagpoles on the north and south lawns. More: AP News
The Department of Health and Human Services’ proposed budget for 2026 eliminates specialized suicide hotline services for LGBTQ youth and young adults. More: NBC
There's little left for us to say that can further embarrass the Tesla Cybertruck, a vehicle that was supposed to be the culmination of Elon Musk's genius. More: Futurism
When will someone point out that Trump himself has referred to "paid agitators" in the crowds? He's admitting that those rioters dressed in black with masks are not part of the peaceful protest but are there to cause trouble and get attention away from the peaceful and on to the violence. So who would be paying those "paid agitators"? The guy who wants to justify sending in the troops? And he's even admitted it. Even if they are not all plants by this regime to stir up violence, it's a very good chance that they are MAGA vigilantes and J6 and Proud Boy types that want to make the peaceful protesters look bad. Let's magnify that message please!
Is the dear leader’s military ass smooch parade really scheduled for after six o’clock? What time is the pope speaking? I was hoping he would draw some of the crowd. Are Trump and Miller waiting until someone is killed at a protest on Saturday so that Trump’s rambling, incoherent parade speech will have more focus? Are they planning something or just hoping?