Rise of the Give ‘Em Hell Guvs

It’s Tuesday. There are 434 days until the midterm elections. JB takes a stand, Melania’s latest dumb crap and Lisa Cook cooks Trump.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it doesn’t claim Americans want a dictator like some kind of asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are ya? Yeah, us too. But at least it’s… oh fuck it’s only Tuesday and it’s only August and it’s only 2025. We’re sorry to be the bearers of bad news, but those are the facts. No matter what anybody else tells you, take it from us that this is the year 2025. It is not the year 2028. And while we can understand pining for the end days of the Trump administration or whatever fresh hell we’re enduring by then, we wanted to share with you a liberating revelation — you don’t have to pick a presidential candidate right now.

Yeah, we know. It’s hard not to. We’re being devoured by a be-cankled shit monster and we’re all eager to size up the warrior who will either take on him or his demon spawn. The great news is we have some really, really strong options. The better news is that we don’t have to pick any of them right now. So let’s cheer them on and occasionally pit them against each other and vicariously ride their motherfucking coattails right up Trump’s orange ass.

Fuck yeah, Gavin! Fuck yeah, JB! Fuck yeah, Wes Moore! Fuck yeah, Tim Walz! Fuck yeah, Christie Whitman (that’s what Trump called Gretchen Whitmer yesterday). Keep doing what you’re doing and we promise not to shit all over you in this newsletter or to our friends and family. Because even though we like you, you’re still politicians and your function is to do our collective bidding. And right now our bidding is for these guvs to fuck with Trump any way they can. We’ll decide our 2028 bidding later. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s Tuesday, so people are voting. As usual, we point you to the good folks at Bolts for the most comprehensive election coverage.

Note three: We’re doing a therapy session today, and we could sure as shit use it. Join us! We are going live at 3 PM ET/12 PM PT today on substack! If you are on YouTube you can find us live here.

Note four: Wow. Republicans are actually going to interview Alex Acosta, the Trump Labor Secretary who gave Epstein a sweetheart deal. What we still want to know is WHY THE FUCK IS GHISLAINE MAXWELL SITTING IN A COUNTRY CLUB PRISON INSTEAD OF DOING HARD TIME?! More: NBC News

Note five: Continuing with our theme of ordinary Americans becoming extraordinary heroes in the time of fascism, watch this veteran sound off after burning a flag to protest Trump’s bullshit executive order. Thank you, sir!

Note six: We knew Jeanine Pirro sucked hog butt, but her office is a goddamn joke. They tried three times to indict this poor woman and struck out. Thank you to the good people of DC for telling Pirro to go fuck herself. More: WUSA9

Note seven: It is fucking wild how Trump is going full Mao and seizing parts of private companies. Guess all that talk of loving the free market was just another goddamn Republican lie. More: Politico

Note eight: The guy who is using the military against his own people while campaigning for a Nobel Peace Prize says he is changing the name to the Department of War. Dumb as hell, ain’t it? More: Mediaite

Note nine: A bruised and confused Trump met with the president of South Korea yesterday, where he ranted and talked about how great the North Korean dictator is. Imagine if Biden had… More: HuffPost

Note 10: The mainstream media really need to start using the word dictator.

Note 11: Especially since Trump is… More: Time

Note 12: Kilmar Abrego Garcia is holding on after a judge demanded that he not be sent to Uganda. That didn’t stop the Trump administration from smearing this poor man some more. Someday Garcia is going to sue this fucked up country, and we hope he gets a lot. More: NBC News

Note 13: Yesterday Trump claimed that Maryland Gov. Wes Moore told him he was the greatest president ever. Then Fox released video showing that was a fucking lie. So when is Trump going to apologize? More: CNN

Note 14: The University of Michigan’s hospital system is shutting down its gender-affirming care because it’s being threatened by the federal government. This doesn’t seem to be about protecting women’s sports. It mostly just seems like nazi shit. More: TPM

Note 15: We found a new Sexy Patriot. And if he ain’t, he sure talks like one. Thank you, sir!

Note 16: Marc Maron destroying Bill Maher is our jam. Git his ass, Marc. More: Mediaite

Note 17: The brain worm asshole wants us all to die of food poisoning. Thank goodness we aren’t the ones drinking raw milk and eating batteries. More: NBC News

Note 18: LOL. Ken Paxton is ordering Texas schools to display the Ten Commandments. We’d normally oppose this with all our hearts, but if there’s a chance this evil motherfucker might actually read them this way, then we’re on board. The wife he cheated on could not be reached for comment. More: WFAA

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, y’all, knowing that Tay Tay has a new album coming out is keeping us hanging on. Just think how furious Trump is gonna be when this thing blows up like an Elon rocket.

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Especially if you’re a Blue State guv. Get out there and feast on some fascist fuckheads! Love y’all!

Git ‘em, JB
With Trump threatening to invade Chicago, JB Pritzker is standing strong. At a press conference yesterday, Pritzker fired back at Trump, telling him to stay the fuck out of Chicago. Pritzker also pointed out that Trump shouldn’t body-shame him because he is also quite heavy. The Illinois governor also made it a point to warn Trump and his officials that if they hurt people in Illinois, then Pritzker will go full fucking John Wick. We also liked his plea to the press to stop both-sidesing this crazy shit. We love us some JB Pritzker, and yesterday was a great example of why. More: The Hill

Be Worst
We don’t even know why we’re putting this stupid shit in the news section, but Melania is doing something and that’s usually good for a laugh. Yeah, the worst lady is going to do some AI shit. Apparently she’s tired of stealing from just Michelle Obama and wants to start stealing from lots of people. We’ve always believed AI is dumb, and this seems to confirm it. Because if Melania Trump is embracing your shit, then your shit is stupid. She’s gonna educate the youth? LOL. Sure. More: NewsChannel9

Cook his ass
Last night, Trump sent the dollar tumbling as he announced he is firing Fed Reserve Gov. Lisa Cook. But because he can’t legally do that, Cook said she isn’t going anywhere. That’s the kind of badass resistance we love to see. And not just because we love it when people tell Trump to go fuck himself. This is more about trying to stop Trump from completely wrecking the global economy like a complete goddamn idiot. Cook is smart to stand firm against Trump and his lackeys’ made up charges. We wish more people had her guts. More: The Guardian

Today’s clips
Dozens of employees of the Federal Emergency Management Agency warned Congress on Monday that the Trump administration has betrayed the lessons of Hurricane Katrina. More: HuffPost

A Utah district judge has ruled that the state must redraw its congressional districts because the state’s Republican-controlled Legislature erred when it overruled a ballot measure passed by voters that sought to rein in partisan gerrymandering. More: NBC News

A group of Republican legislators from Indiana are scheduled to visit the White House Tuesday, multiple sources familiar with the meeting told CNN, where the group is likely to discuss redistricting. More: CNN

South Korean President Lee Jae Myung said Monday night that his staff “were worried that we might face a ‘Zelenskyy moment’” during his first meeting with President Donald Trump at the White House Monday, after Trump raised questions about South Korean democracy on social media earlier in the day. More: Politico