Redcoats and an Orange a-hole

It’s Wednesday (for real this time). There are 188 days until the midterm elections. Comey feels the heat over his seashells, Trump’s skyrocketing gas prices and CNN really hates America.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because shit is so stupid right now.

Note: Give us strength, Sexy Patriots, because we’re about to blow our stacks. Not in a dirty way. Get your sexy minds out of the gutter. No, we’re about to lose it today because the New York Times did one of those Trump-voters-regret-voting-for-Trump things and holy shit these people make us want to walk into fire. Like how does this dumb sonofabitch even tie his shoes in the morning?

What the… how the… did he… oh godddamnit. We know there’s a debate going on about whether we should forgive these morons and welcome them to our big tent and we know we should, but fuck it ain’t easy. Because they are really, really, really dumb. How dumb? Well, we took a page from the NYTimes and held our own focus group with Trump voters. Here are some of the responses…

Jesse, 39, Tallahassee — Are you gonna eat the rest of that paste? Mmmmm. I sure do love me some paste. And crack.

Johnny 63, Terre Haute, Indiana — Hey! Pull my finger. No, seriously. Just pull it. C’mon. Please.

Susan, 42, West Des Moines, Iowa — I swear I thought I was voting for Donald Duck. Now I feel stupid.

Fred, 65, Buffalo, N.Y. — Oh dangit. I just thought about a Black person and messed myself. And I’m already using my good pants as a door!

Jane, 56, Peoria, Illinois — The guy said he wanted retribution, and I thought that was a kind of pie.

Well there you have it, SPs. We’re not dealing with the sharpest tools in the shed. If they were, they’d accidentally cut themselves. We know we should be understanding of stupidity and merciful, but these fuckers really don’t make it easy, do they? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Need some therapy after that (not real) report? Yeah, us too. How about today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT? Awesome! We’ll see you then! You can find us here on Substack or here on YouTube then.

Note three: Drunken lunatic war criminal Pete Hegseth is going before a House committee today. We hope he has an absolutely terrible fucking day. We also hope he gets asked real questions about all those little girls he murdered because the media don’t seem to give a shit anymore. More: HuffPost

Note four: Brendan Carr, Trump’s bitch at the FCC, is really going after Disney. We sure hope Democrats and the scum at Fox News are paying attention. Because we’re gonna want some payback. More: HuffPost

Note five: We don’t do kings. But respect to Charles for some of his zingers clearly aimed at Trump yesterday. If only Trump was smart enough to get the jokes.

Note six: Ok this is pretty hilarious. Russia is having its Victory Day parade but without any military equipment because Ukraine wrecked it all. Enjoy your parade, Vlad. More: NBC News

Note seven: Jerome Powell’s last Fed meeting as chair is today, and they’re going to hold rates steady. It’s pretty normal, but it also feels like a nice Fuck You to Trump. More: NBC News

Note eight: Two Jewish people were stabbed in London. There is real and evil antisemitism out there that must be condemned and fought. That’s why it’s so important to not scream antisemitism at good and normal people like Ms. Rachel. More: Associated Press

Note nine: SCOTUS is hearing arguments today about how shitty Trump can be to Haitians. He already accused them of eating pets, so we’re guessing pretty shitty. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Welp, add another country to the list of nations Trump has surrendered to…

Note 11: About 60 percent of Americans are avoiding the news because they’re sick of hearing about Trump. Man, do we feel that. It’s why we’re so grateful you sexy badasses join us every day. More: Associated Press

Note 12: The White House communications director refers to people as “retard.” It’s tacky and gross. Just like the White House communications director. Seriously. Have you seen this mutant? More: HuffPost

Note 13: LOL. People are so sick of this shit…

Note 14: They’re putting Trump’s fugly face on our passports. So we guess from now on they’re ass-ports. Thank you. We’ll be here all week. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We know you know this, but don’t drink raw milk. And don’t stick your tongue in an electrical socket. More: Associated Press

Note 16: Susie Wiles went on twitter to hear different viewpoints. Our viewpoint is she should go fuck herself and then rot in prison. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Bill Maher might just be the most pathetic loser on the planet. Dude, this is embarrassing and really funny…

Note 18: Tennessee George Santos Rep. Andy Ogles went to talk to some college students. It didn’t go great. Probably because he’s a con-artist and a loser. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going up to beautiful Buffalo. The mic cut out while this woman was singing the Canadian National Anthem and the crowd filled in. We love shit like this and we’ve always been jealous of our Northern neighbor’s beautiful song…

Note 20: And on that gorgeous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are making it through the week ok and not exposing to the New York Times and the world how fucking stupid you were in 2024. But you’re way too sexy for that. Love y’all!

Whatever
We hate Trump for lots of reasons, and one of them is he is making us defend Jim Comey, who sucks. Comey is the only reason Trump won in 2016 (with Russian help) and yet Trump is hellbent on destroying him. Normally we’d say fuck it, but this is just so dumb and over the top. The former FBI director was indicted yesterday for spelling out 86/45 in seashells at the beach. Trump’s goons at the FBI said this was a threat to assassinate the president. Yes, it’s laughable and Comey will win but it’s still really fucked up to see DOJ doing this shit while at the same time coddling convicted sex criminals. More: Yahoo

But we’re getting a ballroom
So Trump’s stupid war is costing us all a lot of money. And we sure hope you weren’t planning any summer trips. President Dumbfuck is telling people to prepare for a long standoff with Iran while the Strait of Hormuz remains largely closed. And that means gas is now up to an average of $4.23 a gallon. Just fucking great. Of course the Mar-a-Lago crowd doesn’t give a fuck so the press don’t really either. It’s just us regular Americans who get the shaft. Again. More: NBC News

The most busted name in news
CNN was very helpful to Adam and Ally through that Swalwell nightmare, so we’re hesitant to say this but fuck CNN. Yesterday Kasie Hunt had Tricia McLaughlin as a guest on her show. You might remember Tricia as the former DHS spokeswoman who lied to the country on a daily basis and who lied about Alex Pretti and Renee Good. What the fuck kind of shit news network features a pathological liar who clearly hates the American people?! Just a goddamn disgrace. More: RawStory

Today’s clips
DUBAI/WASHINGTON, April 29 (Reuters) - U.S. President Donald Trump on Wednesday urged Iran to ‘get smart soon’ and sign a deal, following days of deadlock in efforts to end the conflict and a media report that the U.S. would extend its blockade of Iran’s ports. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump’s yearslong revenge tour against select members of his own party faces big tests in May as Trump looks to oust multiple Republican lawmakers who have crossed him in the past. More: NBC News

PHOENIX — A federal judge on Tuesday dismissed a U.S. Department of Justice lawsuit against Arizona seeking access to the state’s detailed voter records, the latest legal setback in a nationwide effort by the Trump administration. More: NBC News

KYIV, Ukraine — Ukraine used interceptor systems to shoot down more than 33,000 Russian drones of various types in March, a record monthly figure since Moscow launched its all-out invasionmore than four years ago, Ukraine’s defense minister claimed. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The White House is warning Congress that funding to pay Department of Homeland Security personnel will “soon run out,” sparking new threats of airport disruptions and national security concerns as the House slow-walks legislation to end what has been the longest-ever lapse in agency funding. More: HuffPost

Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday night called out President Donald Trump for making a joke about his own mortality just one day after he called for Kimmel to be fired for making a similar joke. More: HuffPost

Fox News host Jessica Tarlov on Tuesday brought some damning receipts to a discussion about inflammatory rhetoric stoking political violence, reading some of the many words from President Donald Trump to argue this isn’t the Democratic problem her colleague claimed. More: HuffPost

MINERAL WELLS, Texas (AP) — Thunderstorms tore through parts of Texas on Tuesday, sending at least two people to the hospital as powerful winds ripped roofs off homes, flattened buildings and tossed debris through the air. More: Associated Press