Red Cards and Orange Idiots

It’s Thursday. There are 124 days until the midterm elections. A weak jobs report, Jared Polis has lost his damn mind and Trump prepares to poison D.C.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Especially when it gets a bullshit red card.

Note: Sexiest of Patriots! How the heck are ya? Yeah, us too. It’s been a rough week, and we’re all struggling with how to celebrate (or just endure) this weekend’s big birthday. But we suppose things could be worse. We could be having imaginary conversations with AI Teddy Roosevelt like this dumb sonofabitch…

Oh dear. Looks like Grandpa Cankles really thought he was talking to a ghost. Or maybe he thinks Teddy Roosevelt is still alive. Or maybe he’s just a fucking idiot. Since the mainstream media won’t get to the bottom of this, we figured we would. So here’s an interview with Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost…

Us: Hello, Mr. President!
TR: Hey boys! Love the newsletter! And you can call me Teddy.
Us: Wow. We’re honored. So did you see Trump talking to your hologram?
TR: I once had a horse that had constant diarrhea. That diarrhea was smarter than Donald Trump. Smelled better too.
Us: That’s a sick burn, sir. Republicans say that Trump reminds them of you. What do you say to that?
TR: Ever seen that waddling motherfucker ride a horse? Fight a war? Break up corrupt corporate trusts? Not fuck something up?
Us: No, sir.
TR: And did you ever see me paint myself orange, attack the U.S. Capitol and talk about fucking my own daughter?
Us: No, sir.
TR: Ok then. Enough stupid questions.

That went exactly how we expected it to. Let’s see the ass-kissing scum over at Politico Playbook get a scoop like that. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: So we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we are going to take tomorrow off. We will definitely send y’all a Fourth of July note, but we’re gonna relax tomorrow. The good news is that we’re gonna have another therapy session today to make up for it. We’ll see you at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT.

Note three: We feel like we’ve really failed you. Some Trumper got busted polishing his Washington Monument at the Great Embarrassing Fair, and we’ve barely made fun of it at all. Though to be fair, all the good jokes are already taken. And besides, you gotta hand it to him. More: Yahoo News

Note four: HUGE congratulations to the U.S. men’s soccer team on their big win last night. We’re still pissed off about that red card, but this sure is exciting. Thank you again to the women’s team for showing us the way! More: ESPN

Note five: Normally we’d be against this asshole giving a long speech on the Fourth of July. But if he wants to have a goddamn heat stroke, then we’re sure not gonna stop him.

Note six: Trump said he’s going to have a threesome with his sons. So now that piece of shit has ruined threesomes too. Also, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DUDE?! More: HuffPost

Note seven: Well done to The Onion on its re-launch of InfoWars. Their first move? They gave $100,000 to the Sandy Hook families. See? Good people can still win. More: NBC News

Note eight: We weren’t invited to Taylor and Travis’s wedding, but we suppose we are still happy for them. More: AP

Note nine: The New York Times is reporting that even Saudi Arabia is sick of Trump’s bullshit. Hear that? The bonesaw killer guy thinks Trump is too deranged. More: New York Times

Note 10: We got some really exciting polling from Fox News yesterday…

Note 11: And that ain’t all! In Iowa, Democrat Josh Turek is leading Ashley Hinson 50-46 for the U.S. Senate seat that Joni Ernst is giving up. And Democrat Rob Sand is leading Republican Zach Lahn 53-44 in the governor’s race. Are we about to flip Iowa? More: Fox News

Note 12: Jared Polis is either the world’s biggest fucking idiot or he’s lost his mind. Not only did he free election denier Tina Peters so she could go spread her lies from the Oval Office, but now he’s fired the members of the clemency board who spoke out about what a stupid thing he was doing. So when is this asshole switching parties? Because he’s done in ours. More: CNN

Note 13: Here’s the most charmless man in the world lying to our troops like he lies to a sales associate at Living Spaces after the display couches are ruined…

Note 14: We’d like to send love and respect to Active Duty Air Force Maj. Jason Watson, who yesterday was arrested on the Capitol steps after calling for the impeachment and removal of the commander-in-chief. This is a ballsy move, and we are grateful. More: Yahoo News

Note 15: Looks like Mitch McConnell will die soon. Or he died already and nobody noticed. Oh well. Whatever. More: NBC News

Note 16: A bunch of conservative Bishops tried to fuck with Pope Leo. They forgot he’s from Chicago. More: AP

Note 17: Try to imagine the coverage if Joe Biden had ever said anything this idiotic…

Note 18: Even the Wall Street Journal thinks it’s gross that “the Trump clan is cashing in on the Presidency in big and sketchy ways.” And those assholes are usually pro-cashing in with big and sketchy ways. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to the soccer pitch. The first player to score for the U.S. last night was our badass striker Folarin Balogun, a birthright U.S. citizen. Not only would we like to thank Fol for his goals this tournament, but we’d also like to thank every single person who pointed out that Trump’s stupid bigoted ass would have had Balogun playing for someone else. Go USA! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that winning note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing holiday weekend and don’t get shamed and cussed out by a dead former president. Love y’all!

Donald Hoover

If you’re like us, you’ve been wondering how the hell the economy kept creating jobs while Trump fucked everything up. Well, it seems like his luck — and ours — is about to run out. Last month, the economy added only 57,000 jobs, coming in well below expectations. We also saw pretty significant downward revisions from the last two months. We had assumed that Trump was starting to cook these reports, but today’s numbers suggest we are still getting the truth. At least on this.

More: NBC News

Don’t Breathe

Donald Trump is planning to celebrate America’s 250th birthday by destroying the air in Washington. First he’s going to ruin it with a long speech that nobody asked for, and then he’s going to blow up the city and make it impossible for people to breathe. Not only is dumbfuck’s fireworks show starting at 11 p.m., but National Park Service documents obtained by the Washington Post reveal that Trump’s plan to launch more than 800,000 fireworks will cause hazardous levels of pollution and create “very unhealthy” conditions in D.C. In a way, this isn’t news. Trump has been choking that poor city for years. But this is still so fucking dumb we can’t stand it.

More: The Independent, Washington Post

Today’s clips

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is throwing her support behind former Wayne County health director Abdul El-Sayed in the hotly contested Michigan Democratic Senate primary. More: NBC News

SAN FRANCISCO — Martial arts icon Bruce Lee, who was born in San Francisco, will become the first Chinese American in California history with an annual namesake day. More: NBC News

CATIA LA MAR, Venezuela (AP) — Rescuers pulled a 43-year-old security guard alive from a collapsed basement early Thursday, ending a grueling days-long operation that became a symbol of hope after the devastation of twin earthquakes that struck Venezuela eight days earlier. More: AP

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — A rush rescue mission to save a NASA space telescope remains grounded, this time because of a last-minute launch problem. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — A daredevil couple scaled the Empire State Building’s antenna Wednesday and unfurled a banner about “the power of love” and peace, apparently as part of an audacious, high-altitude marriage proposal — soon followed by their arrest. More: AP

Comedian Kathy Griffin called out Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday for bringing on his show MAGA-friendly UFC fighter Conor McGregor, who in 2024 was found civilly liable for sexual assault in Ireland. More: HuffPost