‘Reckoning and retribution’

It’s Tuesday. There are 294 days until the midterm elections. Jack Smith to speak, a walk-out at DOJ and sending love to occupied Minnesota.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because “Fudge ICE” sounds stupid.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya today? Well you look and smell terrific, so you definitely don’t work for ICE. Seriously where the hell did they find these morons? Were there mass layoffs at the fugly dumbfuck factory? Are these the people who were too shitty to be in the Klan? We don’t know. But we do know they didn’t find them in the Ice Capades…

LOLOL!!! Oopsie! Goddamn that’s funny. In fact, our new favorite television show is watching ICE scumbags eat shit. It’s just so hilarious. They think they’re so tough with their paintball guns and fourth grade educations. You know they’re probably listening to pump-up music and putting on their uniforms in fake slow-motion like they’re badasses. And then they go out and bust their fascist asses in front of everyone. And we all laugh and laugh and laugh while their nazi asses turn black and blue. We suspect that’s why the SS (Stupid Shitheads) are buying these ass pads on Amazon…

OMG. What do you get for the hog-fucking neo-nazi in your life that has everything? Ass pads. Yes, Ass Pads — Because karma, motherfuckers. And because we’re not heartless, we actually improved these ass pads. Yeah, we cut holes in the back so they can stick their heads up their own asses and eat shit. You’re welcome, nazis. Y’all have a blessed day. And fuck ICE.

Note two: It turns out that it’s Jeanine Pirro going after Jerome Powell, and we can’t rule out that she was three-sheets-to-the-wind when she did it. It’s a move so stupid that even Republicans are calling it out. More: The Hill

Note three: It’s a little early in the newsletter for sports, but we just had so much fun mocking Aaron Rodgers after he lost last night. But now he has plenty of time to freebase ivermectin and drink his own pee. More: NBC News

Note four: Remember how Americans traded their democracy for lower prices? Well inflation is still here, but democracy is hanging on by a thread. Next time let’s at least try to get some magic beans. More: NBC News

Note five: We’re sorry to show you this. It’s a murderous little bitch boy gloating about Renee Good’s death. But we thought you should hear this nutless little freak’s voice…

Note six: How desperate is Trump to get prices down? He called Elizabeth Warren for advice. LOL! More: NBC News

Note seven: Speaking of Liz, we are so in love with her decision to roast Sinema to hell and back. Eat shit, Kyrsten. More: Mediaite

Note eight: Mark Kelly is fighting back. Yesterday Kelly filed a lawsuit against Pete Hegseth. We assume the process server hit all the bars in Pentagon City. More: Associated Press

Note nine: SCOTUS is planning to fuck with trans kids some more today. It’s a good reminder that they’re not just corrupt; they’re also really cruel. More: NBC News

Note 10: Words matter. Thank you to Sen. Gallego for being clear that Renee Good was murdered.

Note 11: Republicans are going to be looking for Democratic votes to stave off a shutdown at the end of this month. Any Democrat who votes to fund ICE will instantly be on our shit-list. Either rein in ICE or shut it all down. More: CNN

Note 12: The EPA no longer gives a fuck if you live or die. That’s not even hyperbole. It’s an actual policy change. More: TruthOut.org

Note 13: Lindsey Graham is really losing it. He really needs to quit drinking… dictator ball sweat. More: Mediaite

Note 14: It really tells you everything you need to know about Hegseth that we’re all having to learn the names of new war crimes. More: DailyKos

Note 15: Here’s a helpful video on what to do if ICE scum show up at your door. If they don’t have a judicial warrant, they can eat shit.

Note 16: Thanks to Scott MacFarlane for reminding us that the Epstein files were legally required to be released 25 days ago. So the president of the United States and his Justice Department are covering for pedophiles. (Social media)

Note 17: Trump wants to fire Bullshit Bondi because she hasn’t done more to arrest people he doesn’t like. Pam is about to get the Tiffany treatment. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Finally! Some good news! HUGE congrats to our dear friend Mary Trump on her recent marriage. Mary is a voice of courage, and we’re so freaking happy for her. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Roosevelt High School in Minneapolis. The kids did a walkout to protest ICE. And they filled our hearts with hope along the way. Thank you to the Teddies (yes, that is their real mascot — we looked it up)!

Note 20: And on that life-affirming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far. Unless you work for ICE. Then we hope you bust your sorry ass. Love y’all!

Git ‘em, Jack
Molester protector Gym Jordan has relented, and the American people will hear directly from former Special Counsel Jack Smith. This is great news for anyone who cares about truth and law and shit like that. Smith is scheduled to testify next week on 1/22. Are we crazy or is Trump so fucked over Epstein that he’d rather be talking about different old crimes? Regardless, we’re excited to finally hear from the guy who was about to put President Asshead in the clink. More: Associated Press

DOJoke
Human garbage Harmeet Dhillon is refusing to investigate Renee Good’s murder. But that’s only because Dhillon is soulless Trump scum. In response to this cruel and heartless decision, four leaders of the DOJ’s Civil Rights division abruptly left the department. Thank goodness for people who still have morals and a conscience. We hope Harmeet eats shit, fucks off and then kisses our ass. More: MSNOW

Occupied Minnesota
Minnesota and Minneapolis officials filed suit yesterday to try and stop the military occupation of their city and state. It speaks to just how desperate local leaders are as the federal government continues to invade and terrorize local communities. And we fear it’s only going to get worse. This morning, the president of the United States again attacked the state’s political leaders, declaring that “THE DAY OF RECKONING AND RETRIBUTION IS COMING!” Um reckoning and retribution against Minnesota? What the fuck? Despite these nonstop attacks, brave Minnesotans continue to show up to protest and record ICE abuses. We are in awe of their courage. Give ‘em hell, Minnesota. More: NJ.com, The Guardian

Today’s clips
Donald Trump appeared to blank on a vow he previously made to Americans during an interview with The New York Times.

In audio from the sit-down last week that has since gone viral, Times reporter Katie Rogers asked Trump when Americans could expect to receive the $2,000 checks he had promised, funded “based off of your tariff revenues.” More: HuffPost

The Trump administration is ending temporary protected status for Somali immigrants, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed in a Tuesday post to X. More: NBC News

As open enrollment for Affordable Care Act insurance comes to an end, people are moving to cheaper plans or dropping their coverage entirely, according to state and federal data. More: NBC News

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) had some pointed remarks for Elon Musk after the billionaire claimed that the lawmaker only gets reelected because of the Somali Americans in her district. More: Mediaite

Billionaire Bill Ackman is one of more than 8,000 people who have donated to an unverified online fundraiser to support the federal immigration agent who fatally shot 37-year-old Renee Nicole Good in Minneapolis last week. More: USA Today

Rep. Randy Fine (R-Fla.) is facing backlash after announcing plans to introduce legislation that would allow President Donald Trump to take control of Greenland for the United States. More: HuffPost