Putting Cheese(cake) in the Rat Trap

It’s Thursday. There are five days until Election Day. America loses a giant, the NYT tries to save the Senate for Republicans and Big O’s Cheesecake Factory trap.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s so ready to kick some dirtbag ass next week.

Note: You know what they say, Sexy Patriots — denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Mike Little Johnson has never heard that expression because it hasn’t made its way up Trump’s ass just yet. So he continues to go on television and lie about polls, lie about the election and lie about Trump. He seems to think he’s still gonna be speaker of the House next year. We think that’s adorable…

LOLOL!!! Look at all those people! That man is a draw! We’ve seen roadkill draw a bigger crowd. There are more people monitoring Mike’s porn habits than there were in that room. To follow up on that ghost town appearance, Little Mikey was on Fox and Friends this morning insisting that Republicans are going to win the House. So yeah, he’s delusional AND full of shit. But just to be sure, we went in for a deeper look. Here now is an interview with one of the seven people who showed up for Mikey’s rally yesterday…

Us: Hey buddy!
Random Rally Goer: Name’s Billy. Love your newsletter.
Us: Gosh. Thanks, Billy. So why did you go to Mike Johnson’s rally? Do you think Republicans will hold the majority?
Billy: What the fuck are you talking about? I’m just trying to catch that sonofabitch so he has to take me to his pot of gold.
Us: Oh so you don’t know he’s the Speaker of the House?
Billy: I’m confused, fellas. He ain’t the speaker of my house. But I’m gonna get that gold even if I have to chase that little shit all the way back to Ireland.
Us: Ok, Billy. Good luck with that.

We think both Billy and Mike Johnson are a tad confused. Because there’s a big blue wave coming, and the only pot of gold will be the look on that little fucker’s face when we put him in the minority. Fuck Mike Johnson. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We did some therapy yesterday because we really, really needed it. If you were unable to join us, you can get caught up here…

Adam shows off his new shirt

Note three: Hey Milwaukee! Congrats on your Brewers winning the World Series! Now keep that winning streak going by voting Blue! More: Yahoo Sports

Note four: We got new Senate poll results from CNN today, and we kinda don’t want to show them to you. We don’t handle good news well, and we all need to be ignoring the polls. So here they are… More: CNN

Note five: We were not familiar with Robby Roadstreamer’s game. But this is some top-notch trolling. Respect.

Note six: It’s hard to describe how disappointed and disgusted we are with the Democrats who are treating Abdul El-Sayed like shit. These people should be condemning Trump’s bigoted attacks, and instead they’re giving them a pass and sticking knives in the back of the Democratic nominee. We sure as shit won’t forget it. More: Yahoo News, Yahoo News

Note seven: Man, Trump sure loves that ad with Amy Acton’s scumbag mom. Probably because he’s a rapist who hates women. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Little Bolsonaro says he’s the leader of Brazil. He said it from Miami. LOL. Sure you are, buddy. More: NBC News

Note nine: Oh and Bibi is accusing Arab voters of stealing the Israeli elections. What a fucking asshole. More: Politico

Note 10: This is the kind of disgusting bigotry Abdul El-Sayed is up against. Sadly, it’s not just coming from Republican buttwads like Tedly Cruz.

Note 11: Speaking of Cruz, remember the asshole who had him as a guest on ESPN’s College Gameday? And remember how that same asshole claimed he’s not involved in politics? Well, he’s a goddamn liar. More: Awful Announcing

Note 12: This is so fucking funny. These two right-wing assholes wanted to show everyone how much fraud there is in Minnesota elections, so they committed fraud. And now they’ve been charged for it. LOL. ENJOY THE PRISON TOILET WINE!!! More: AP

Note 13: If you spend time on twitter or just read the MSM, you’d think this guy was underwater and hated. But that ain’t the case…

Note 14: Trump’s efforts to cheat in California ain’t going so great. More: AP

Note 15: Bari Weiss says she doesn’t care about the ratings at CBS. That’s good because she’s sure tanking them. More: The Guardian

Note 16: Have y’all seen those fucked up ads that say liberals are the new racists? And here we thought we were the New Coke. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Hey WNBA fans! Does Golden State finish it off today? Remember that you have an official excuse to miss work thanks to the efforts of Flavor Flav…

Note 18: How the fuck is Todd Blanche going easy on Ghislaine Maxwell not a bigger fucking story than Obama’s Cheesecake Factory riff? More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Texas, where a brave protester called out Ken Paxton for being a pedo-protector. Get his creepy ass!!! More: Twitter

Note 20: And on that enormously satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Or at least better than Mike Little Johnson. Let’s make him ugly cry next week, shall we? Love y’all!

Rest in Power

America lost a giant yesterday. Dolores Huerta passed away. Huerta was co-founder of the United Farm Workers. She was an American icon, leading both the feminist and the union workers’ movements. And in recent years, she showed even more courage, revealing that she had been sexually abused by Caesar Chavez. That poor woman fought like hell for years while keeping her own pain to herself because she didn’t want to hurt the movement. We honestly can’t say enough good things about what a legend this woman was. We need more like her, and we need them now.

More: AP

Fake Tears

The New York Times swooped in at the last minute to try and help Republicans save the Senate. In a questionable piece published yesterday afternoon, the NYT reported that Mary Peltola’s staff was involved in finding a candidate with the same name as the Republican incumbent and getting him on the ballot. What the NYT mentioned in the eight paragraph is that this ain’t illegal. And what they mentioned in the 20th paragraph is that Republicans do this shit too. But Trump and his scum didn’t read that far, so they immediately started calling for Peltola to be prosecuted, for the election to be canceled and for Sullivan to be named the winner. Congrats to the New York Times on aiding Trump’s assault on democracy. Fucking pricks.

More: AP, The Hill

Got ‘em

Barack Obama hit the campaign trail for Jon Ossoff yesterday, and both of those dudes brought the heat. But our favorite part was this riff Obama did that made clear he laid a trap for Trump and his media friends with that Cheesecake Factory joke. We love this guy, and we especially love watching him peel a few coats of paint off Trump…

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

BELGRADE, Serbia — Serbia’s student movement on Thursday demanded the resignations of top officials in the police, intelligence agencies and the judiciary as they prepare to take power after a historic election win last weekend against former strongman leader Aleksandar Vučić. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — An inflation gauge closely monitored by the Federal Reserve accelerated last month, showing that prices remain elevated less than a week before midterm elections in which affordability concerns have become a central issue. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — U.S. officials have told several Middle East countries and regional allies to be prepared for potential renewed military action against Iran after next week’s midterm elections in the United States — as well as the possibility that Iran will attempt to retaliate against them, according to two diplomats briefed on the matter. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has fired the Pentagon’s top military planner, a defense official said Wednesday, the latest in a series of generals to be ousted and one that comes even as President Donald Trump is weighing renewed strikes on Iran in the eight-month-long war. More: AP

IOWA CITY, Iowa (AP) — For nearly a year, immigration authorities have detained and sought to deport a mentally ill man whose mother, lawyers and public records say was born in the United States and not Jamaica as he claims, a review by The Associated Press found. More: AP

Democratic Party voters are changing the way they cast their ballots while turning out in huge numbers ahead of the Nov. 3 midterm elections, reacting to President Donald Trump’s threats against voting by mail and moving past habits formed during the coronavirus pandemic. More: HuffPost

New York Gov. Kathy Hochul (D) appeared stunned on Wednesday to learn from reporters that rapper Nicki Minaj called her an “evil woman” on social media and demanded she resign, spending a few beats in silence before firing back at the MAGA darling. More: HuffPost