President Piggy

It’s Tuesday. There are 350 days until the midterm elections. Trump rages at Indiana, an idiot’s healthcare plan and the survivors speak.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity, That must be why the internet broke this morning.

Note: It might surprise you Sexy Patriots to know that we can be a little old-fashioned. Sure, we publish a cussing newsletter that regularly has fake interviews with God and shit, but there are some things we’re old school about. One of those things is that Christmas shouldn’t suck. We don’t care when you start playing holiday carols, and we sure as shit don’t care when your lights go up. The earlier the better because Christmas is awesome and shouldn’t suck.

So we are really goddamn sorry to have to tell y’all that Trump killed Christmas this year…

Well that sucks for grandma. And why is she so happy about crappy Christmas? And what happened to the fucking golden era? We were just coming to terms with the fact that we only get two dolls now. And it’s only going to get worse because the president of the United States is a fucking moron. In fact, here are some other holiday tips from the Trump administration —

*Instead of peppermint bark, eat tree bark. It tastes awful and will make your whole mouth bleed, but hey, we’re not gonna have trees forever.

* Instead of a Christmas tree, just go stand by the wall and feel fucking merry ok?

* Instead of a Christmas goose, try a Christmas goose. And what we mean is it’s way cheaper to have someone grab your ass than it is to eat these days.

*Tell your kids Santa has diabetes and they took his foot. He doesn’t need more cookies. Leave him a nice motivational note to help him lose weight. But don’t be surprised if he shits in your stocking and your kids write books about you when they grow up.

*Instead of watching the Grinch, just watch reality and remember the dumb motherfucker who really stole Christmas.

Of course none of those things are about the true spirit of the holiday season, which we’ll all be forced to talk about when we don’t have a goddamn thing to unwrap. Thanks, Trump. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: So we read the comments yesterday and it was pretty unanimous — Marjorie Taylor Greene sucks, and she can’t sit with us. We heard you loud and clear, Sexy Patriots.

Note three: We’re not gonna show you the clip of this. We debated it, but honestly it made us so fucking mad and we didn’t want to do that to y’all. But here’s a story about President Fuckhead calling a woman reporter “piggie.” What a fucking asshole. More: People

Note four: We have been wondering for a while how accused rapist and human trafficker Andrew Tate and his brother got in the country this year. Well it turns out that a Trump administration official, the guy with the “nazi streak,” helped them out with DHS, and even made sure their devices were returned. There has never been an administration that works this hard for disgusting sex criminals. More: Pro Publica

Note five: We’re going to talk about the Epstein survivors in the news section, but we were watching them while we were writing and we are just blown away by their courage. Let’s hope it’s contagious.

Note six: What is the price for murdering and dismembering a Washington Post columnist? Well you get a fancy dinner at the White House and a bunch of F-35s. Cool country, right? More: NBC News

Note seven: International soccer star and Saudi bitch boy Ronaldo will be there too. So now we know that guy sucks. More: Yahoo

Note eight: Speaking of garbage celebrities who suck, Nicki Minaj is apparently all-in with Trump. So we won’t be listening to that shit anymore. More: The Guardian

Note nine: Larry Summers says he’s “deeply ashamed” and going to step back from public life. But he’s going to keep teaching?! More: HuffPost

Note 10: The Onion doesn’t miss. Megyn Kelly sure does though.

Note 11: We swore we were gonna ignore this gross Olivia Nuzzi shit. But it’s so gross that it pulled us in. So Nuzzi, who had an affair with RFK Jr. while writing about him, has a book coming out. Her ex-fiancee, Ryan Lizza formerly of Politico, wrote a response last night. And in it, he says she had an affair with Mark Sanford, who was also running for president. Yikes. This press corps certainly helps explain how we got Trump, don’t it? More: People

Note 12: Oh and Nuzzi was living with Keith Olberman, who apparently gave her jewelry and an apartment when she was very young. Double yikes. More: Yahoo

Note 13: We need a cleansing note after that one. So if you haven’t watched Sister Act in a while, it’s on Netflix. Sister Act 2 is too. Sam watched this weekend, and it was the wholesome entertainment he was craving.

Note 14: Fox News completely ignored the Epstein survivors this morning. We don’t know if this will work, but maybe you should call them at 888-369-4762 and ask them while they’re covering for child rapists.

Note 15: President Dipshit did his double jerk-off dance at his “affordability” speech to the McDonald’s owners. He sure feels our pain, doesn’t he?

Note 16: You can’t turn around these days without finding another child-abusing sex creep who has benefitted from Donald Trump. Maybe the mainstream media should start treating this like the fucked up pattern that it is. More: The Intercept

Note 17: LOL. Trump isn’t ruling out sending troops to Venezuela. Go ahead, orangey. We fucking dare you. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Remember when those terrible Texas floods happened and the FEMA director was nowhere to be found? Well he’s resigning. But is it technically resigning if you never did the fucking job to begin with? More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Capitol Hill where Speaker of the House Mike Little Johnson has just finished doing a 180 and will now support the release of the Epstein files. What’s happy about this embarrassing level of hypocrisy and transparent political gamesmanship? Everything. It means the survivors won and beat his little punk ass. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that gloating note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far and preparing to make some lovely gifts this holiday season. Try making a wreath out of pine cones and tinsel and then telling the president to shove it up his ass. Love y’all!

Hoosier daddy
Trump appears to be making headway in his campaign of publicly threatening Indiana Republicans to push through a crooked redistricting map. Yesterday he went off on the whole state party, and today he’s only singling out individual state senators. We’re sure this is making their lives hell, and we really appreciate that about Trump. There is some really good news in all of this rage — Trump is scared. His behind-the-scenes arm-twisting isn’t working anymore, so he’s had to resort to bat-signalling his online lynch mob. You can see how utterly terrified he is that Democrats will win control of the House next year. Because that means investigations, charges and probably another impeachment. Good. He should be scared. More: The Hill

Don’t get sick
In one of his trademark Truth Social posts, Trump said that the only healthcare bill he will sign would be one that sends money for health insurance directly to Americans so they can negotiate and buy their own health insurance. There are about a billion things wrong with that proposal, and we’re damn excited to watch this fucking idiot keep telling the American people they should spend more time trying to figure out how to get health insurance. From a political perspective, we’re really enjoying watching Trump walk this plank. From a human perspective, someone tell this fucking idiot what he’s doing to people! More: The Hill

Listen
This morning, survivors of the Jeffrey Epstein-Ghislaine Maxwell child sex trafficking ring took to Capitol Hill to call for the release of the Epstein files. They called out Trump. They called out his party. And they called for justice. The vote is today. It will pass. Then we will wait to see if the Senate takes it up. We know Trump is never going to let the really incriminating stuff see the light of day, but these survivors have taken on the rich and powerful and shocked the world at every step. So while we are skeptical we will ever get to the truth, we sure as hell wouldn’t be against these brave women.

HuffPost

Today’s clips
Many popular internet destinations appeared to be suffering from service issues Tuesday morning after a major web infrastructure company said it was dealing with “an internal service degradation.” More: NBC News

A bill that would allow judges to sentence women who get abortions to decades in prison and could restrict the use of IUDs and in vitro fertilization goes before a small group of South Carolina senators Tuesday. More: Associated Press

Miami Herald investigative reporter Julie Brown scorched efforts by Republicans to claim that the Democrats could have already released the Epstein files by pointing out a key fact about the timeline. More: Mediaite

The Justice Department engaged in a “disturbing pattern of profound investigative missteps” in the process of securing an indictment against former FBI Director James Comey, a federal judge ruled Monday in directing prosecutors to provide defense lawyers with all grand jury materials from the case. More: Associated Press

The world is facing a deepening hunger crisis with resources falling far short of needs, the United Nations World Food Programme warned on Tuesday, citing sharp declines in humanitarian funding. More: HuffPost

National Public Radio has secured a legal settlement restoring a multimillion-dollar contract that was revoked under pressure from President Donald Trump’s administration. More: Mediaite